Let me begin by attempting to defend myself. I'm delirious - not Eddie Murphy "Delirious" - having the symptoms of delirium, delirious:
"a more or less temporary disorder of the mental faculties, as in fevers, disturbances of consciousness, or intoxication, characterized by restlessness, excitement, delusions, hallucinations, etc."
With this LSAT coming up I feel like I need to try - regardless of if I want to go to law school in the immediate future or not. (I blame my Catholic guilt). Hence, I go to sleep @ ungodly hours of the night after doing logic game after logic game. (Here is a very simple example game). Last night was no different. When I woke up, I groggily stumbled to the subway - which was so late that I...(sigh)...I joined the ranks of the homeless...
I was sick, my head hurt, my eyes were watering...I grabbed some newspaper, allowed it to be the buffer between my body and the dirty subway floor, leaned against a pole and took a cat nap until I heard the subway coming. Others followed suit. Am I disgusting?
That's not all! During the day I ran an errand. Innocent enough, right? First, I passed a man in a nice suit squatting against a building, reading the paper and taking a dump?! I. dont. know! Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't. My brain & eyes couldn't tell. I need sleep.
Second, I came across a tall caucasian male with a pretty dog. Why, I don't know, but in a jewish new yorker accent I said to him "What a bee-yoo-tifawl dowag!" I bent down to pet it. As I stroked the dog, I laughed maniacally (because I remembered a comment I wrote on Jaizi's myspace picture of a donkey - lame, i know), looked at the dude in the eyes and said aloud "Oh my God. I want to fuck it." WHAT?!? The man courteously smiled, sharply tugged at his dog's leash and off they went hurriedly! I was joking!! I don't really want to hump a dog! Ugh.
Fuck. I need sleep. Goodbye.
7 comments:
Yes, please, get some sleep, Tanya. For the sake of all humanity, get some sleep.
Get some sleep and stop saying you want to hump dwags. Beastiality is not becoming.
;)
Hahahahahahahahah, hahahahahaha. Thats awesome. Whenever I get really tired I always think I see cats lurking in the shadows. I will be sitting there and all of a sudden, I think I see a cat out of the corner of my eye. hahahahahaha . but that is even cooler. I bet that guy is sitting there, telling his wife about this RIGHT NOW and then they are going "tsk, tsk" but you have actually done this man a favor as he now has a story to tell at whatever really boring dinner parties he goes to. In fact, this is probably the most notable thing that has happened to him in decades, so really you have done him a huge favor. And he can look at himself in the mirror and say "man, I would be THAT kind of crazy person if I had kept taking LSD, thank god I met Marie and settled down." So really, you have increased his self-esteem as well as providing an excellent story, except when he re-tells it, he won't say the word "fuck." Instead he will say, "she said that she wanted to, you know, the 'eff word' poor Mocha!" So really, telling people you want to engage in intercourse with their beloved pets is kind of a public sevice.
i'd hump a dog if it meant we could go to dennys and bitch RIGHT THIS INSTANT. xoxoxo miss you. sleep sleep off to sleep with you!
I whole-heartedly agree with Arden...in fact I think you should start a suicide help line where you spout off crazy phrases meant to make people feel better about themselves. "Hi this is Tanya, I ate donkey shit and chased it with a cum shot of hobo goo." "Wow. Gee, thanks, you really put things in perspective for me. You know, my grandma died and I was diagnosed with cancer; couldn't cover the medical bills, of course...lost my job. But donkey poo...wow. That blows my mind." "Nooooo problem, dingaling fuckfart!" "ok now you gotta stop, you are out of this world with it."
i cannot believe you actually said that to a stranger. joking or not, you are a nutjob. for the love of god, get some nyquil!!
ps, you're amazing. my jaw literally dropped upon reading this masterpiece.
I know this is from several years ago, but I just wanted to say: Awesome.
J Dilla
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