Wow. My friend Emily told me once that as women get older they become more lactose intolerant. I believed her then and I - even moreso - believe her now. Holy Jesus. I am writing this blog entry as I sit atop my porcelain throne; it's hollow belly echoes the tumultous methane bellowing from my anus. The acoustics are quite nice, really.
I swear - it's not usually this bad, but wooo-eeee! I started my day off with a small bowl of cereal. Big deal. That's not uncommon. I do that fairly often. However, this morning I really wanted a hazelnut steamed milk. So, I dragged my ass to a Starbucks AKA the devil's moist, sticky butthole and ordered a skim version of said milky pleasure. That usually doesn't upset the ol' tum too badly, but! when asked what size I wanted, well, that's where I blundered, my friends. I got the fucking hugumongous size. (Rough. Look at it towering over the other sizes with it's looming presence.) I don't know what it's real name is because I refuse to utter such idiocy. I just said "Uhh, give me the biggest." Anyway, now, my butthole is paying for it.
I am so incredibly gaseous right now and my ass feels like it wants to decorate the inside of my toilet bowl with a neutral shade of brown plaster. Jen Dentoni - a good friend to me in my time of need - has been holding my hand (vis-a-vis internet) through it all:
YourHero: JEN! MY BUTT!
Jentoni: haha whats wrong with your butt?
YourHero: it's imploding, exploding, downloading I DUNNO!
YourHero: it's gaseous!
jentoni: too much milk it sounds like
jentoni: thats my thinkin'
YourHero: yes! BAAAAAAD idea.
YourHero: milk does NOT do a butthole good.
jentoni: go sit on the pooper with a magazine
YourHero: i am on the pooper - with my laptop. i'm at home now
jentoni: hahahahaha
jentoni: i've done that
YourHero: it passes the time.
jentoni: it really does
jentoni: so tomorrow you will invest in lactaid pills and milk
YourHero: haha oh yeah.
My stomach is making the noises I'm sure only a volcano can be heard grumbling before it emits it's highly toxic and disastrous elements, but it's such a tease, this colon of mine; I'm barely pooping. It's all bark, (pain) and no bite! I pretty much have - as Michael Showalter so eloquently puts it (in Pizza) - the farts. Ugh. Lame.
Hearts & (tremendously over-powering) farts,
Tanya
PS. Big-ups to Erica(s) Yoon and Gonzales, as well, for listening to me as I complained about the status of my disintegrating, itchy bungushole. You are angels.
3 comments:
i love listening to all your grunts when you're really trying to maneuver one loose through the cheeks. and the sounds of splashing are heavenly
I had issues a couple nights ago sleeping because I had two whole meals in a day and my stomach couldn't handle the load (it's normally operating on three cups of coffee and a shot of your dad's cumwad.) Boyo was it unhappy. Coffee does it too. It makes pretty symphonic music all the way down the line and resounds a booming grand finale. Train your ass to sound like a trumpet and we'll have a kitschy band.
holy shit. (pun not intended)
so yesterday i was super gassy at work. maybe it's because i'm used to the old secluded reception desk i used to occupy, or maybe it's cuz i had headphones on, i thought i'd be okay to just let them rip (silently).
well, i was doing this all morning, and not noticing any sort of stench (we all like our own smell, don't we?) when it hit me after lunch.
did i mention my desk faces away the very end of a hallway? aka my ass is projecting gas down the hall straight into the copy room.
so after lunch, not only do i notice the strong presence of what could be egg salad, but i overhear co-workers discussing the horrid fog of methane that's circulating...not only in my area, BUT IN THE WHOLE BUILDING.
plus i think one of them saw me do a nervous head jerk upon hearing the word 'fart'
two hours pass, and i'm stressing out because
1) i think they know it's my fault
2) i can't concentrate on my work and my boss keeps stopping by to see progress
TURNS OUT: a pipe was busted in the men's potty and the smell was drifting through the ventilation.
...part of me kinda wishes that i had created it tho...
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