A Catholic & A Jew Walk Into A Racquet Club...

...And get married.

My brother, Brando, and his (now) wife, Jessie, got married on June 9th. I haven't been to very many weddings and was actually not looking forward to being in the wedding (the standing, the looking nice, the buying matching dresses, etc) but luckily all that b.s. was not involved. I was in the wedding party, but all the bridesmaids just had to wear a black dress and heels. We just had to match colors, not dresses. It was was grand.

The boys looked pretty sharp in their black matching penguin-tailed suits and black/white adidas. I liked that we didnt have to be super serious for the wedding. It was a nice wedding, but it was actually really fun, too.

Since they didn't want a religious ceremony, Jessie's Godfather "presided" over the ceremony. It was really cute because he made it super (quick and) personalized. He made some funny jokes. "Today we have something borrowed, something blue, something old, something Jew..." I really liked him. He's in the picture (to the left) with my brother. He made a few other jokes, too but I can't quite remember them all. Sidenote: I liked, in general, the mix of cultures during the wedding. My brother and Jessie signed the Hebrew Marriage Contract, my brother crushed the glass under his foot as we all yelled "Mazeltov", there was an impromptu chair-raising of the new couple on the dance floor, there was tons of great latin music during the reception, my grandma sang and spoke in Spanish to everyone at the reception, etc.

Here are some great shots of my brother prepping before the wedding ceremony (As with all pictures, click on them to enlarge):

Here are a few shots of us before/during the ceremony:

The reception was pretty comical. It was great to see a bunch of people I hadn't seen in a long time. During the Dollar Dance (when you pin money on the bride or groom to dance with them) my mom (being the baller that she is) called me over to hand me a $100 bill to pin onto my brother. In my true (disgusting, perverted) fashion, I tucked the Benji and my ATM card in my bra and sauntered over towards him. I bent him over, swiped my ATM card up his butt - making sure the magnetic strip was facing towards me, or else it wouldn't read correctly, duh! - and proceeded to pin Benjamin Franklin onto the crotch of his pants. (I'm sure our Founding Father would be proud). Then, we danced, but it was kind of awkward because he was holding me so close and I kept saying "What the f! Quit trying to make out with me." I also felt him get a boner. I let him rub it on my outer thigh. SIKE! GROSS!

After that, my brother, Orlando, got in on the action and kept giving Brando quarters (like a jukebox) and pressing against his body. Check out his face to the right! The Dollar Dance was fun, needless to say. Also, my sister's friend, Laura, rummaged through her purse - only to find the greatest thing you could possibly pin onto someone. No, friends, not money, not Cheez-its, but...

an Olive Garden gift card - which I think was partly used. Oh, that's not all my friends! As more legitimate dollar dance patrons lined up to dance with my brother or his wife, I rallied my brother's two drunk friends: Marcus, and (my Mexican-Albino brother) Ross, to join forces with me. I gave them each a dollar to pin onto my brother and instructed them to form a tight circle around him and then hump him into an oblivion. I must admit that although this was very funny (and disturbing to the onlooker), they ended up giving me the front - which I found highly inappropriate. However, it did not stop me from humping away.

Here we are gearing up for our performance. (Sidenote: Why is it that us suburban kids always like to act so "gangsta." I think it's because it's so funny to us because it's not a reality at all in our area. I mean, sure, I've met some "ghetto" people, but I would never act this way in Oakland, Compton, or Harlem or something. Whatever, I'm a puss, apparently). My sister, Vanessa, was smart enough to know that everyone would want visual evidence of this said humping trio, so she posted it on the internets. Enjoy:

The Humpty Dance

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My favorite part is that my sister, Vanessa, keeps yelling "ew" in a myriad of tones, but continues to record, zoom and even capture thrustful humps from different angles. Also, I like that Marcus looks like he cums at the end. OH! And!! Later on in the night, Ross wanted me to punch someone in the balls and when I responded with "No! Ross, why would I do that?" He said, "Come on! I humped your brother for you today -- I humped your brother for you on his wedding day!" HAHAHAHAHA! Priceless.

Later on, my dad and Vanessa's godfather started dancing together in a sexually suggestive manner. I've never seen my dad's hips gyrate so beautifully - except for when he does his Shakira impression. It was pretty ridicunuts! I love my family! There was a lot of perversion, which = hilarity.

At one point I started freaking Brando and I heard his wife gleefully tell one of her astonished friends "Do you know what their family saying is? Incest is best!" Is that weird that that's true - our slogan, not that incest is, in fact, best? Gross, I also heard one of Brando's friends say "I don't see why you'd ever want to marry out of this family." Ha, grosser! I guess people agree that we should all be incestuous. Well, audience, as Brando jokes "Incest is best! Put your sister to the test!"

Oh, right, and during the Father-Daughter dance, Jesse and her dad had a really nice moment, while during the Mother-Son dance, my mom and brother grabbed at each other's asseTs:

Here I am with my sister, Jessica, my Mexican-Albino brother, Ross, and Sarai and Ezra - the curly-haired babies:

Here are some more random pictures:

Who said cake cutting can't be fun?

And to tie together this post's theme (no, not wedding): incest and gangsta youth, here are a few pictures of the wedding rehearsal dinner and the wedding brunch (both of which my mom singlehandedly cooked for. If you've ever had my mama's cooking, you know how delicious it was. She was getting shout-outs all over, son):

Appropriately enough, the picture of Brando and I grabbing for each other's junk was Wedding Picture #69. Gross. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this (pervy) blog post. You've learned a bit more about my (disgusting, but hilarious) family.

The End.

PS. Sorry about the lack of posting, too. I'm still waiting on Nicaragua pictures. Also, my digital camera is busted and I hate posting without pictures. Later, friends!

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