Reflection. I think that's what most of my life has been. Always trying to figure out where I've been, what I've done, why I do it, etc. It's been a year since the red-eye dropped me off at JFK. Luggage and father in tow. I remember sitting on my new bed a few days later, telling my father I kind of wanted to go back with him. I admitted my insecurities: I was afraid. I didn't want to be a "failure," I said. I missed Sam. I missed comfort. I missed home. I missed knowing who I was...
But, friends, this is who I am. Like most people, I am evolving. I like it, but it's hard.as.fuck. To consistently look at yourself from the outside and see your faults, see what you want and see what you must change to get there, it's frightening. But this is me. I always want to step out of my comfort zones. Well, I don't usually want to, I just feel that it's best for me and/or that I should.
Overall, I like New York. I'm so glad I moved here. Sure, sometimes I get nostalgic, but I know that realistically, my life is much better than it would have been if I had stayed in Santa Barbara. I've accomplished so much here - even though sometimes I don't think I have. But, hey, I'm 23, I'm working in the industry I definitely see myself in for the long haul, I am cultivating a few new friendhips that I see as imperative to my life right now (mostly with this lil lady named Ariane), I am taking a certain dude-time-out to see what I really want from relationships, and I really know how to navigate myself around here.
However, there are still a few things that I haven't accomplished:
1. gotten a writing gig
2. dabbled farther in the boxing ring
3. discovered every little neighborhood/borough
I kind of feel like I'm back in the same position I was when I first got here - fresh out of a "break up," wondering what I want to do next, wondering who I want to shape myself into and somewhat wondering if I've made the right decision in staying. I have. I'm glad. Sometimes this place can bum me out, but I like it so much here and I've had amazing sights and times. Besides, for what other reason would I have a blog?
Today, I ran a few errands, got my eyebrows did, met Ariane at Union Square to watch The Darjeeling Limited and have dinner accompanied by another one of our amazing conversations. I like her lots and I couldn't have asked for another friend in this city that I'd want to be with tonight... See, look how much I like that lady!
Thank you to anyone and everyone who has visited or in some other fashion helped welcome me and situate me in this city. I really appreciate all of you and our friendships - no matter how recent, lengthy or far away. Take care, kids. Thanks for taking part in this journey with me.
Your protagonist,
Lil Gup
PS. Today, as I walked by some urban gangstas, one called out "Yo showdy, you gotz a big dumper for a lil girl!" I laughed a lot. Oh, New York.
2 comments:
"...motor in the back of her honda..." would have impressed me more.
that you haven't accomplished those things just means you need to live there longer!
You got a good virtual safety net in our little vag crew in SB. Hang in there kid! You've already done so much.
ps, i would like some fries with that shake.
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