Lil Gup, Big Apple

Algeciras: Day Fifteen

2008-10-19T15:45:00.015-04:00

Woke up at 10AM. I had wanted to get up at 9AM and go for another run, but I was beat. It´s a shame, though. Madrid was awesome and seeing it in just one day was a biatch. Anyway, had a bit of a breakfast snack. Internet caféd a bit. Took a train from Porta Atocha at 2:30PM to Córdoba. The train was AVE (Alta Velocidad España) and was awesome. So quick. This is basically what I did all train ride (annoyed the Papa and read):

Córdoba was alright. We were only there for an hour or so. Then, we took the train to Algeciras. We were scheduled to arrive at 8:30PM.

We got to Algeciras after the most grueling, annoying train ride ever. This one family kept talking and letting their daughter run around and shit. Ugh. I hate that. She just kept staring at me and trying to play and wave. Dude, f off 5 year old. Just cuz I´m a girl doesn´t mean I want to be maternal to you. I just kept making myself fall asleep - which is what I do when I´m bored and/or annoyed on a plane, train or in a car. It´s a really helpful habit. Anyway, we made it to Algeciras at around 9PM. It was whatever.

It´s kind of just known as a transient town. You´re only there to jump over to Gibraltar or Morocco. We shacked up in a nice ass hotel and rested up for our trip to Morocco the next day. I was stoked and could barely sleep. Good thing there was football and "Interview With A Vampire" on t.v. There was also a news special about all the prositutes in Barcelona. Apparently the act of prostitution is legal there, but public humping is not. So, they try and hose them that way. Interesting. I´ll have to do some field research when I go there. Holla!

Um, PS, I´m usually not at all boy crazy, but dudes in Europe are hot. What the f?! Plus, they´re al fútbolistas. I should live here and become a WAG and eat churros all day. It´d rock. OH! PS, Pt 2. On the train, I leaned over to my dad and was like: "You know what´s awesome? I came out of your balls." He liked that a lot. He responded with "That really is awesome!"

Alright, peace outside, vaginalips(es?)!
(p)Terodactyl

Madrid: Day Fourteen

2008-10-16T23:35:00.013-04:00

After a 4AM wake-up call, a teary eyed cab ride (I miss my Suozzle), a 45 minute bus ride to Beauvais and a 1 1/2 hour plane ride, I stumbled off the plane and into Madrid. I was so exhausted, I felt drunk. I took a 1€ bus ride to Avenida de Americas near the Salamanca district of Madrid and walked 10 minutes to my hotel. (I booked a room at "Aparthotel Eraso" on Calle Eraso and Avenida Almadens. Rad!) With great luck (things always work out for me, seriously), I ran into my dad in the lobby. He was stoked (who wouldn´t be after not having seen me in awhile?) because he didn´t think I was coming ´til later - AND I was paying for our room. Ha! Dude, my dad said he paid 30€ for a cab ride form the shmairport to the hotel. He got balled! Um, I think I just made up that term, but I like it and am gonna stick with it.

We dropped off my ish, went to get some bomb ass food and made our way to downtown Madrid. (Um, sidenote: it´s fucking awesome that people are SO into soccer here. It´s on 24/7 and people on the street aren´t weirded out when I comment on their jerseys. However! I loved that in London and France I "fit in." Most young kids had multi-colored hair and "weird clothes" but in Madrid everyone kept giving me the up and down stare and just gazing at my clothes and hair. F off. Quit tryin´to ball me! I'm sorry I´m not some dry ass Spaniard. Maybe it´s different in different districts, but whatever. It pissed me off for awhile, but Madrid is so radical it didn´t last for long).

Now, the last time I was in Madrid, I was about 5 or 6, so everything was new to me. I kept telling my dad "I could totally live here. I don´t want to leave." Navigation was SUPER simple. I felt like I HAD lived there or was currently.

We went to El Retiro (kind of like their Central Park) and hit up El Museo Nacional del Prado. Totally famous. Totally Awesome. Totally worthwhile. I saw REAL Rembrandts, Goyas, Riberas that I had only seen in textbooks. Radical! I also forgot just how f´ing smart my dad is until he kept spewing off facts about all the pieces that caught my eye. Whorelando was so happy - he´d never been to el Prado and hadn´t been to Spain, in general, in years. "When did I think a little boy from El Salvador would end up here" he kept saying. I thought it was cute.

We hopped on one of those double-decker tours (the ol Papa gets tired walking around all day) and saw some awesome things. I love Madrid. I took so many damn pictures, but none of them are that good. Lame. Oh well. It was beautiful, just take my word for it. One crazy phenomenon I noticed while in Spain (starting with Madrid), though, is that a lot of dudes have fucking BOILS - especially on their bald spots. It´s f´ing gross and intriguing. I tried to sneak a photo of a dude with one on his head that was poking out of his hair, but it´s a little dark. Click on the picture to enlarge it. Tell me if you see it...

After the double-decker tour, I took my dad to check out El Estadio Santiago Bernabéu - where Real Madrid plays. We had a fun time on the tour. We met a few (upstate) NYers, I practiced Portuguese and nearly creamed my chonies seeing the pitch where tons of my favorite players worked. It was f´ing tighter than Chris Walters´ vagina. Chris, do you even read this anymore? Ha! Owned. We took a few pictorials. Now, you´ll see from where I get my dumb picture faces:

There is something about a fresh, football pitch that gets me pumped. Dad and I kept clapping and pushing each other and laughing. It was really fun. It made me wish I could give my eyes to my brother. I think he´d really like to see it... Also, Papi and I seriously contemplated buying tickets to go see Real Madrid play Juventus IN Italy for like 295€ each. It was ridiculous, but it included airfare, tix, bus, etc. If we were just a tad bit more idiotic we would have, but we obviously decided against it.

We got back to Aparthotel Quo Eraso and I went for a jog. It was really pretty. I ran through a park and up and down one of the main drags in Madrid. Um, running in Madrid = way easier than Paris. NO stairs and people don´t stare at you (as much). I ran back, showered, and took my Papoo to dinner at a little place nearby.

We had fun. I basically just asked him a bunch of questions about his childhood that I kind of knew already, but not entirely. We laughed a lot and kept remembering vulgar stories about things people in our family have done or said. My family rules. For dessert, we went across the street and ate chocolate or dulce de leche dipped churros. BOMB. Fucking stellar. We walked back, called it a night and got ready for our train trek to Algeciras (in Southern Spain) the next day...

Halfway done with my trip. Boo. See you later, homies!
T-Pain

Paris: Day Thirteen

2008-10-15T22:48:00.012-04:00

Do I even need to mention that I woke up late? Well, I just did... so... yeah. I finalized my plans for my departure the next day and made off to Notre Dame Cathedral. Before I left for my trip someone told me that the Paris metro utilized a complicated system, but they are obviously an idiot because I had no problem (and couldn´t remember having a problem last time I was in Paris).

I got to Notre Dame and felt intense déjà vu. It´s so weird to think little tomboy(er) Tanya was at that exact location 5 years ago. I hadn´t enjoyed Paris then but I was definitely enjoying it this time...

I walked around the courtyard a bunch before I went inside. I noticed a few things: London and Paris (and Rio de Janeiro) are the city of lovers. Everyone´s coupled up and walking arm-in-arm (cute) and making out (not cute). London and Paris are fairly clean. I had yet to see any rats - although I know they exist. Lastly, I saw this NASTY dude with DISGUSTING pigeons (I acquired a pigeon phobia awhile back, remember?) before I went in the cathedral.

The inside was nice. Duh. Not much else to say about it really... I decided to peruse Paris a bit more before I had to return to meet Bobo. I found myself in little quaint nooks and crannies. It was loverly.

On my way back, some old dude yelled at me for taking pictures in the metro station - because I´m obviously going to use them for evil purposes. Old pissed off French dudes are funny. For the most part, people left me alone - which was wonderful. I love alone time now.

I met Bobo at our usual spot on the stairs (aww, we have a spot!) and lounged at the apartment for awhile. As we were fussing with some lamp that wouldn´t turn on, I "fixed" the "problem" and Plus gushed "Plus! Not just a pretty face!" HA! I LOVE MAGGIE! I kept repeating that back and laughing. We were full of one-liners our whole time together and loved repeating them. Other top faves: "Yeah, my fucking ballsack!" (Fernanda) "How could you... NAZI... it?" (Me)

We headed off to our farewell dinner and it was wonderful. We shared a bottle of Rosé and some French cuisine. We beasted. We got dessert(s). We beasted again. It was great conversation - as it usually is with my Plus. Dogs walked in and out of the restaurant - one of which had the biggest dog-bunghole Maggie or I had ever seen! Plus (because she loves me so very much, duh) got me a Chupa Chups for my plane ride the next day. It was "Peaches and Cream" flavor. Clearly, many 112 and gay jokes were made... Then we made our trip back to the shmapartment:

We saw that weird metro advert with the dude finnagling the man´s nipples and Maggie joined in on the fun! Oh! And! I´m so bummed. I accidentally erased the video I took of Maggie on this broken chair as we waited for the metro. It was fucking squeaking and breaking everytime she moved. People were GLARING at her because it was so loud. In true Tanya fashion, I kept asking her to squirm about as I took video and laughed me ass off. DAMN ME FOR DELETING IT! I suck turds.

Speaking of sucking turds, I am really going to miss Maggie. We got sentimental toward the end and as we fell asleep. Maggie claimed she was going to have a nervous breakdown when I left. I told her to mourn me and lament me so much she could not eat. Honestly, Plus has been more than hospitable and lovely to me. I've felt a strong connection with her since the first time we really spoke. I fucking love that girl. If I had the funds, I´d go back and visit her like, I dunno, tomorrow... She´s a great, beautiful, intelligent, funny broad. I love her style and I love her person. If you don´t know my Plus, it definitely sucks for you.

Paris: Day Twelve

2008-10-14T17:46:00.002-04:00

I added something to the London: Day Ten entry. Enjoy!

Per yooj, I woke up late. Whatever. I´m on fucking vacation. At first, I felt badly about it - like I should be out exploring Paris, but whatevskis. I´m le tired. Regardless, when I woke up, there was a choir practicing in the courtyard. Plus had warned me about this. She said "it´s like living in a Woody Allen movie - people just burst into song." I love Plus.

As I showered I remembered that during my post-jog shower last night, I had tried to dry my hair with the whiplash method. Girls know what I´m talking about. I didn´t have another towel and I didn´t want my hair sopping wet. So, I threw my head and hair forward and back violently. However, I threw my head too far forward and slammed my forehead on the bathtub area. Yeah, I´m flexible and yeah, I´m an idiot. When it happened a loud empty thud rang in the air. I laughed really loudly thinking "Did I really just do that?" Hilarity.

I walked around Plus´ area - which she told me they call Bobo (for bourgeoisie and bohemian). I decided to start calling her that. I read on some steps when I was done walking and waited for Bobo to get back from work. People kept trying to talk to me, but I felt a fool when I could only reply minimally. Usually I´d just ask if they could speak Spanish. If not, then English. I´d rather be a "Spaniard" than an American abroad...

Bobo showed up and we had decided earlier to make a nice hearty salad for us and some of her friends for dinner that night. We got prosciutto, figs, goat cheese, nuts, baguette, etc. It was going to be awesome. Bee-tee-dubs, I like that everything has its own shop. Bakery. Cheese shop. Etc. It´s fun - as long as they are all close to one another.

Plus and I lounged before her friends arrived. When they showed, we got to "cooking." Her friends brought wine(s) and dessert. The whole meal was delicious. We talked a bit. We ate a lot. We watched some "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and her friends called it quits at midnight. Maggie talked on Skype for a long while as I packed and did the dishes. It was perfect.

I needed some time to digest physically - and mentally, seeing as though today marked 3 years since Manni´s passed. I´ve decided against devoting a separate entry to him/it/whatever. I´ve pretty much said all there is to say about it: It sucks. He was great. He was loved. I miss him... I´m glad Maggie was preoccupied because maybe it was the wine or the upcoming lady days (sorry dudes) because I teared up a bit, but was happy to know I got to experience Manuel in a way most people had not (not in a gross way, sick-os). Maybe later I´ll blog about the AMAZING lunch I had with a great friend of his Olayinka... that´s how I´ll celebrate him instead.

Maggie and I chatted about how much we love each other, basically, and how great of a time we had had thus far. We fell asleep and braced for our last day together...

Paris: Day Eleven

2008-10-13T07:40:00.001-04:00

After much drama with Eurostar that I won't even get into, Maggie and I left for Paris on the train at 6:40AM. We arrived in Paris at 10:40AM. Maggie had to rush off to work so she gave me her keys and explained the way to her home. Before she left though, I pointed out a huge turd in the corner of the metro station to which she replied "Welcome to Paris."

I made it to Maggie's without incident. However, I should point out that I had 1 hour of sleep (in a bed) under my belt, had napped on and off throughout the duration of the train ride, and had nothing whatsoever in my belly. Whilst lugging my bags and climbing a bajillion stairs to Maggie's I wanted to cry, pass out and sleep all at once. I was beat.

I really love Maggie's 'hood. It's pretty, relaxed and quaint. I basically did nothing until about 3:30-4PM and then walked around her area until about 5:00. Then, I sat on some steps near her apartment and read until Maggie arrived from work at 6PM. Maggie and I were super tired but begrudgingly decided to go for a jog.

Stairs(x20) + no sleep + no food + hatred of running = total suckage. We ended up at a beautiful vantage point of the city where people hang out, drink beers and listen to minstrel's. We sat and enjoyed the music and view for a bit. We kept joking about how romantic it was and that we were on a date. We jogged back.

We got home, did some sit-ups and took showers. We walked around Paris a bit more and found a place to eat. We sat outside at a secluded table and had a fun time. This basically seemed like another date. I can't blame Maggie for wanting me, but I mean, come on, who wouldn't? Kidding, obviously.

We stayed out until about midnight, retreated home, and collapsed onto the bed. We were exhausted. I swear I'll take some pictures tomorrow, kids. I know you miss my face. Take care, b-words!

T-Mex

London: Day Ten

2008-10-12T06:33:00.005-04:00

Maggie, Fernanda and I all woke up fairly late. It was amazing. I had been fairly stressed the last few days with all the wedding stuff and all the transportation headaches. So, sleeping in was a godsend.

Fernanda's mom (alongside the rest of the fam) was very hospitable and bought brunch food for us that morning. We all helped set up the table and sat down for a lovely brunch. It was so fun! Fernanda and her family are so funny and open and educated and warm and lots of other positive adjectives. I hadn't had a family meal like that in a long time. I felt so welcomed and the company, discourse and overall meal felt so natural.

We spoke of politics, travel, economy, the future, funny differences between cultures, etc. I really had a blast. Shortly after brunch, Mags, Fern and I got driven into Central London by Fern's mom. We met up with Maggie's friends Gagen and Maya. Let me just take the time to say: all of Maggie's friends that I have met in London have been awesome. Maggie, herself, (my Plus, my MaGadamia Nut, my fake gay lover) is pretty f'ing splendiferous herself. I dunno, there is something about girls who have gone to all-girls' schools, man. I can just mesh with them so much more... Maggie and I talked about it and decided yes, the schools could be catty and cliquey, but so many young women who attend are fucking amazing. This sisterhood forms between certain girls and it remains for years...

Regardless, we all chatted at a pub and for a few hours. It was a fun time. Then we all split up. Fern went home to Chorleywood - and Maggie and Maya joined her (so they could move Mags/my stuff from there to Maya's place) - and Gagen and I went towards Ealing/Hanwell. I still had to pick up 2 bags from Doobs'. I had a lovely conversation with Gagen until our routes split. Then, it took me FOREVER to get to Doobs' and back to meet up with Maya and Maggie because trains weren't running to Hanwell.

Since I am ridiculously great and have a good sense of direction, I maneuvered my way there and back. By the time Maya, Maggie and I met up, it was about 10:30PM. We took the bus to Maya's. She'd invited us to stay there because we had to get up super early the next day to catch the train to Paris and she lived closer than Fernanda.

We got there and Maya fed us. It was delicious. We also had THE greatest fucking time chit-chatting and joking. Around 1:30AM (with Maggie and I having to wake up at 4:30AM), we all went upstairs to go to bed. I jokingly told Maya to tuck Maggie and I in. Instead, she climbed in the bed with us and we all joked around for another few hours. I love those girls. I haven't laughed that hard in so long.

The thing I like most about these girls is that not only are they really funny, they are intelligent as well. The discussions we had all weekend were smart. We didn't talk about boys. We didn't talk about shopping. We talked about current events. Shit like that. I felt intellectually stimulated AND we cracked some of the funniest jokes I have heard in a long time. I like that... I feel like too often I am just joking around with people and talking about EMOTIONAL things, but not things that actually intellectually stimulate me. I miss that and I miss people who can do that for/with me. I feel so incredibly indebted to Maggie for her presence and that of her friends during my stay in London. This is exactly the type of vacation I had needed.

Maggie and I napped for an hour and then had to get up. It was worth it, though...

Later, friends!
-The Tanyameister

PS. I forgot to add that Maggie and I walked past the Sherlock Holmes Museum and took some pictures:

London: Day Nine - Wedding

2008-10-11T09:28:00.023-04:00

Holy f. Maggie and I got up at 6:30 and just barely made it to our train (and only shot to getting to the wedding) at 8:23AM. The doors closed right as we ran up to the train and the conductor felt pity (thank God!) and opened them back up. It took us nearly an hour to make it to the hotel in Central London where we met the other guests. We all piled onto a private bus and headed off to Surrey.

Maggie and I wrapped our presents in the bus because we are classy. We also did a lot of laughing and napping. When we got to Clandon Park (an old estate where the wedding was held), the day was bright and beautiful. I actually got a tan IN OCTOBER IN LONDON! Anyway, we shmoozed in the marble room and waited a few moments while the string quartet played some pretty awesome hits.

The ceremony started and it was very short but lovely. I was so incredibly moved for Jaymee and Dan that my heart felt like it wanted to explode with love, happiness and pride. They are an awesome fucking couple and no one could have even tried to find a better dude than Danimal to shack up with the ol' Flores - well, now Wright.

At the conclusion of the ceremony, we went back to the Marble room and had champagne for breakfast - followed by some appetizers. We took a bunch of pictures with the wedding party and alone. Many important things happened at this point: 1. Olivia and I took awesome pictures that urged Maggie to point out "You guys are demonic together." Yes! 2. Maggie met her future husband, Gustav, (or so we've named him). He kept filling up our champagne flutes and refused to be photographed with us. This only made her want him more. 3. This really sweet girl walked in with her boobs served up on a platter in a really short dress. I turned to Maggie nonchalantly: "I've got two words for you - 'tit-tays.'" 4. As Plus and I passed through the (now) empty Marble room we heard the quartet playing Radiohead. Imagine 4 60-70 year old woman rocking out. Awesome. 5. Some other funny stuff I can't remember...

Maggie and I tried to sneak pictures of her hubby (whilst moustache-ing) during the lunch/dinner but were fairly unsuccessful. The speeches were amazing! The wedding was a lot of fun and the table at which we sat was fairly entertaining. I met a "relative" of mine. He is from the Spanish basqueland as well, lived in Mexico, is super hot (and married, lame) and pleasant.

Then Jaimie and I had a bit of an awkward fashion shoot:

After the wedding, Plus tried to commandeer the shuttle bus but was thwarted by the driver. Before he even said anything she hopped out of the driver's seat, pointed at me and said "She made me do it!" Ha! Treason! Bus driver didn't care. Thought it was funny. The bus (with the help of the driver) took the guests to a bar in Waterloo where we hung out in a private room. This was really fun. I had 2 drinks - both paid for by others (it rules being a girl) - and I hung out talking to Dennis, Jaime, Olivia and Maggie most of the night. Maggie's friends Fernanda and Gagen came through. Jaime got really drunk and I found it funny.

We stayed until about midnight and then took the underground and train all the way back to Chorleywood. After some chatting and beasting, Maggie, Fernanda and I fell asleep around 2:30am. We decided to sleep in as best we could the next day.

Overall the wedding was very organized and entertaining. I wrote thank you notes to Mama Flores, The Wright Family and Jaime's dad to say how appreciative I was to be invited, treated well and how excited I was for the union. I thought it was awesome of Maggie to buy Jaime's dad a drink at the afterparty. Well done. I had a great time in general and was super happy I could share the day with the Himie-san. Also, I bought her the clip she wore in her hair for the wedding and she told me "Now, despite my best efforts, you're always going to be remembered on my wedding day." Brilliant. This is why she and I have been friends for so long...

Hope you enjoyed the pictorials and such.
-DJ Tubular T

London: Day Eight - Pre Wedding

2008-10-10T06:31:00.004-04:00

Like a proper scum, I woke up at noon thirty. I was really worried I was going to be late for the Ladies' Tea in Central London at 3PM. However, by the time I got out of the shower and was ready to leave, I was right on time. Now that day I was to move to a different house with my friend, Maggie aka MaGadamia Nut. I decided the best thing would be to pack my outfits for the dinner, wedding and next day, along with toiletries and leave the rest at Doobs'. This proved to be an excellent idea because once I got to the bus stop, I was very nicely informed by some guy that the bus drivers were on strike. I trotted over to the overground rail station - which was running slower than ever because of the influx of passengers. The young dude and I ended up across the tracks talking about Portugal, Mozambique, London and New York until our respective trains arrived. We bid each other farewell and I rode the train as deep into Central London as I could - hoping to make up some time. It provided futile. All the undergrounds were f'ing packed as hell and late or packed as hell and slow.

I got to the tea at 3:15 - not too shabby - but poor Jaime-san got trapped in the underground and didn't make it until about 4PM. The tea was really beautiful. I met Olivia - she fucking rules. It was great to see Lucy and Mama Flores too. Lots of pictures were taken. PS. You know it's a short group when I'M one of the tallest...

I don't usually have caffeine - so you can imagine how loopy I was after having like 7 cups of tea and a shit ton of scones/sammiches after not having anything in my body at all. I was way more ridiculous than usual and my hands kept shaking when I passed someone something. It was kind of hilarious and kind of embarrassing at the same time...

Olivia is radical because she not only likes silly pictures, she likes to be in them. We liked the look of the old dude up top, obviously.

So, this is where I am so f'ing thankful I didn't bring my other bags with me to the tea/dinner. We all decided to accompany Jaime back to her place, run errands and "pick-up" Dan for the "rehearsal dinner" that started at 8:30. It was 5:30 when we left the tea. Due to the strike, the incredible rush hour and underground fuck-ups, we didn't get to Jaime's until 7:15PM. I had to battle onto every crowded train (and through every crowd) with my duffel bag. It was obnoxious.

I called Maggie to tell her I would be a bit late (we were scheduled to meet outside the restaurant at 8:30PM) but once again, we got hosed by the underground and didn't get there until about 9:00PM. It was annoying and I felt really badly for MaGadamia Nut.

To make matters worse, once we all sat down (there were 40 or so at the dinner), Jaime's dad asked that we all stand one-by-one, introduce ourselves and explain how we knew the lucky couple. Maggie turned to me and said "I'm literally going to kill you." I was cracking up but felt TERRIBLE for my little Souzzle. She basically had to get up and say "Um, I don't know them. Tanya said they said I could come..." She made due with a little joke and it was fine. Maggie referred to herself as my escort for the evening or my +1. So, we started calling each other "Plus." "Ohhh, Plus! I'm so happy we're here together, Plus!" Ha! I like it.

At nearly midnight, Maggie and I rushed on the train to meet up with her fucking awesome friend, Fernanda. We showed up at some bar/club thing - dressed nicely with my bag in tow - and hung out a bit until we got a ride to Fernanda's.

I must say that being American is shit in London (and tons of other places). For some reason everyone thinks it's completely okay to ask you what you think about your govt, your country's policies, your leaders, the election etc as if everything is your fault - and that you not only personally elected George Idiot Bush, but you now have to defend him and yourself.

I started saying in a Southern accent: I got George Bush on mah mind, baby Jesus in mah heart, an' a shotgun in mah hand. These colors don't run!" Shit like that. MaGadamia Nut kept pretending to be in support of McCain. It was kind of funny.

We got to Fernanda's at around 2AM and had to get up the next morning at 6:30AM for the wedding. Yep, we were going to be happy campers in the morning...

-T Money

Scotland: Day Seven - Part II

2008-10-09T21:09:00.024-04:00

Edinburgh was magnificent. I flew in at 8:15AM and flew out at 7:30PM. I didn't think I was going to find enough things to keep me occupied, but it was such a serendipitous adventure; I just kept stumbling upon the coolest things. (OH! FYI, before I forget, my inner monologue sometimes has a British accent now. It's so weird!!) One of the first things I walked past was the Scottish Museum of Art. It was free but not open yet. I wanted to go back and check it out, but I ran out of time. Bummer. However, on the steps leading up to the building I saw a small sticker that I would see a few more times in Edinburgh. It was just a plain white sticker (that looked like someone made it at home) that read "Lionel Ritchie owns this." Awesome.

Next I went to Edinburgh Castle and crossed through to the ticket booth, took a few pics inside and left before they asked me to pay. What? Whatever. I think it's brilliant. I get awesome pictures and a quick glance without having to pay some ridiculously over-priced fees. Plus, Colin (who lived in Edinburgh) told me there isn't really much to see inside anyway. I rule. You better believe I practiced the same technique when I went to Holyrood Palace (the residence of the Scottish Queen) later on that day.

On my little jaunt through Old Town Edinburgh I came across The Writers Museum. It was SO great - and it was free! I bought a few postcards and learned a lot. I spent a good hour or so there even though it was super small. I got excited to start reading some Scottish literature. I also took my first crap of the day there. It was refreshing. They encourage you to read some of the featured writers' works in this little den like area. Instead, I brought it into the john with me and was neither remorseful nor embarrassed when one of the museum workers walked into the bathroom as I was exiting with their copy.

I walked past a group of little Quaker kids when I checked out the used bookstore in the Quaker Meeting House. It was adorable and weird all at once. Dude, the bookstore was selling books for 20 pence! So cheap! I didn't buy any though. I already overpacked in the books department. Plus, a lot of their books were from 1980 and super outdated or smelly. There were a bunch of Almanac's from 1993. Weird.

Right afterward, I walked past St. Giles' Cathedral and was really drawn to go inside. I love gothic architecture. Flying BUTTresses rock my brain. Anyway, strangely enough, when I walked in Palma Ceia Presbyterian Church Chancel Choir from Tampa Bay, Florida was warming up. They were to perform during a morning service at 11:30AM. I decided to stay. They were f'ing good. I kept thinking about how much my dad would enjoy listening to them and sitting in that beautiful church. Then, I fell asleep. Ha! Oops. People probably thought I was just really into my "worship." Nope. With only two hours of sleep under my belt, I was exhausted and woke up periodically.

I went to Mary King's Close - which has this awesome haunted aspect to it. It'll take too long to type, but you should look it up! I went to The People's Story which was (another!) free museum about the history of Edinburgh's population. They had these lifelike creepy looking wax statues and I kept almost screaming. They stretegically placed them right around corners and shit like that. It was informative, though - and even moreso because I found out just how big of a wuss I was...Nearly screaming because of dummies. What a nincomshit.

Also, I saw this street:

I passed Scottish Parliament on my way to Holyrood Castle. I made tons of stops in "Authentic Scottish Souvenir" Shops. However, I didn't really buy anything for anyone. I'm wayyyyy too popular, brah, and couldn't POSSIBLY have decided which friends would be graced with presents and which wouldn't. Plus, I've really been having fun with my own company lately and haven't really thought of buying anything for myself even. But, I changed that today. I bought some postcards for y'all and a few cheap things for myself. I got this awesome glass ring - and since I still haven't found a hat for the wedding, I got a headband type thing.

I came across another Close and followed it deep into this hallway that fed into this beautiful little garden that was surrounded by houses. I took some pictures as I got caught in the rain. I liked it though. I stayed there for a bit and then moseyed onward...

Don't I look like I should be an actor in The Fiddler On The Roof? A few Muslim guys were super nice to me when they passed. I think they were confused - or maybe they were turned on by my rock-hard, veiny, throbbing cock!! Maybe not...

When I saw the city backdropped behind The Scott Monument I wanted to run to an internet cafe to tell my mom to book a trip to Scotland. I think she and my dad (and loads of other people) would really like it in Edinburgh, at least. I had such a great time and just happened to stumble upon the coolest things. I feel so lucky to have even had the seed planted (by Jaime) to visit Edinburgh. It was definitely worth the measley £46 roundtrip fee. So worth it. So cheap.

The weather had been nice. I had some haggis and mashies. I walked a lot. I enjoyed my Tanya Time - and can I just let you know how utterly wonderful it is to not have a phone. No one can contact you unless you want to find a phone and contact them. It's glorious! Regardless, my day filled up quite well in the land of Nessie and I'm really fortunate to have seen all I did.

I only wish I had gone to see the Zoo, but I didn't have enough time. Luckily for me, though, I came upon a rare breed of shrap metal giraffe on the street. Alright, love you guys!

A wise man once said:"I'm Doug and I'm outta herrrre." (If you get that reference, marry me).
Love Ya Like a Sister! Muah! puke puke puke,
T. Zo (loves giraffes!)

Scotland: Day Seven - Part I

2008-10-09T20:02:00.004-04:00

Today Colin and I woke up pretttttty damn early. We ended up leaving for the airport at 5:15AM. I have to be really honest, Internet Audience, I was really nervous last night and barely slept. I kept thinking about how dangerous motorcycles were and how I hadn't been on the back of one (which is more nerve-racking than being the actual driver) for years. I basically threw them aside when Manni passed. I especially hadn't been on a motorcycle on the freeway since a little bit before October 14th, 2005.

Lately Manni has been in my thoughts a lot because: 1. both his younger brother and father have commented on my blog about some of the past entries I devoted to him (Death's Anniversary, Happy (would-be) Birthday, Manni!, Goodbye, Again), and 2. his "anniversary's" coming up soon. I don't usually think about just his death, I mostly laugh about his antics. However, putting myself in nearly the exact situation Manni was in when he passed away couldn't help but make me feel trepidatious about the situation.

Needless to say, I know motorcycles can be dangerous but rides on them don't always end tragically. I knew I was just being (rational, yes - dying was a possibility, but mostly) overly-sensitive. I mentioned none of this to Colin and, instead, opted to hop on the back of his bike and brace (the bitter cold and) myself for the 45 minute trek to Luton airport.

I kept freaking out once the wind would hit us - not gonna lie. I'd see Colin's head bobble against the wind, I'd take a peak at the speedometer - cringe - and keep thinking: if I even look up one inch too high, the wind will catch my chin and launch me off the back of this shit and under the wheels of the big rigs riding beside us. I realized how small I am against the elements. I don't know I used to handle bikes on my own. More disconcertingly, I couldn't help but shake that impending feeling of death upon me. I was gripping onto Colin so tightly that my legs and fingers hurt when we arrived.

I had noticed during the ride that Colin was really punching it a couple of times. When I'd sneak peaks at the speedometer we'd easily be going 80-100 MPH - not Km/h., mind you. MPH! Colin proved to be an adroit rider, but I remember being a little pissed that he was testing our lives. It was just us on that thing - no metal shield of a car body to protect us. In fact, the metal car bodies would completely annihilate us if given the chance. I kept remembering that most motorcyclists actual mode of death after a crash is choking on their own vomit because they can't open the visors on their helmets. So, every time we hit a bump or I'd start sliding off of the passenger's seat (which was terrifying and happening quite often), I'd simultaneously stabilize my feet and get ready to unclick my visor. It was pretty sad that I was preparing so readily for death.

I kept telling myself to think of the ride as "exhilarating" and not "frightening" but I couldn't help but hear my mom's words to me when I got my motorcycle license: "You're my last baby, Tanya. I can't have any other ones after you. I don't know what I'd do if you got hurt. There is no greater loss for a parent than losing one of their kids." I started feeling really guilty. It's weird. I was more upset for my parents and family if I died - because it would have been my own idiot fault...and they'd be the ones left to grieve. Who knows maybe they'd throw a party! Kidding.

In the end, I got myself over all the negativity. I said a prayer. I said one for Manni. I tried to enjoy myself. Funny, it's probably one of the first times I've been more afraid of a ride to the airport than a ride on a plane... I started looking at the desolate city and the countryside. I started realizing I was experiencing London like I hadn't yet. I still clutched onto Colin for dear life, though...

When we got to the airport I thanked him a million times over and let out a tremendously huge sigh of relief. I was proud of myself. I hadn't been on a bike since Manni's accident. I overcame some psychological wall in a huge way and I was ecstatic to spend the day alone in Edinburgh, Scotland.

London: Day Six

2008-10-08T17:32:00.006-04:00

I barely did anything today. Chatted with Doobs this morning at 9:30. Went back to sleep and woke up at 12:30. Pretty much pissed the morning away. Laura and I went to the market to pick up some food to cook. Came back. Had breakfast. Max had left a very apologetic email to me. He had gotten out of work late and couldn't contact me since I have no mobile. He said he wants to meet up still and it's "on him." Not necessary - what a nice kid. Laura went to meet up with Jaime and Olivia for a late lunch/early dinner. I opted not to go. I needed some alone time. Also, I took care of all the other details of my trips: how to get to Paris, where I'm staying this weekend, how to get from Paris to Madrid, etc etc. I also cleaned Doobs and Colin's place a bit - just as a little "thank you for letting me stay here." Colin came home around 5PM and we talked about my trip to Edinburgh, Scotland tomorrow. He's Scottish and used to live in Edinburgh, so he gave me some great pointers.

I mentioned to him that in order to catch my 6:55AM flight out of Luton Airport, I had to leave at 2:30AM take a bus to Central London and from there take an hour-long airport shuttle. He also SUPER kind and offered to take me on his motorcycle tomorrow. It's only a 45 minute ride. He warned me it'll be cold, but a lot better than traveling by public transport. He's SO awesome for offering. I thanked him a million times and then we continued to talk shop about American politics and soccer...

Laura came back around 7:30PM. We made dinner for Colin and enough for Doobs - who hadn't returned yet. Doobs came home - was stoked about the food. We watched some t.v. and had a great time poking fun at things and cracking jokes. I really like Doobs. She's silly. We retired soon after. I had to be rested for my 5:30AM journey.

I'm super excited to see Edinburgh (alone!) tomorrow and to get to the airport by a vehicle that won't take longer than the entire plane ride. However, I haven't riden a motorcycle in quite sometime and it makes me a little nervous. Moreso, it makes me think of Manni more than ever... I've been missing that kid a lot lately - the 14th of this month marks the third year he has passed. I'll be fine though and I'll be back to blog about how f'in radical Scotland was! Toodles, bitches!

Your hero,
Tanya Lasagna

London: Day Five

2008-10-07T06:13:00.010-04:00

Today I switched abodes. I'm staying with Phoebe's friend in Hanwell - a little ways away from Central London. Doobs rules. I showed up a bit late - by 10 minutes - and apologized profusely as I managed to shove myself and my bags through the front door.
After saying "thank you" about a million times, I let Doobs know I didn't want to be an inconvenience and had found a place to stay tonight and tomorrow in Notting Hill with some dude named Ben off of the Couchsurfing website. I explained when I'd be back and that I'd just come to drop off bags and pick up keys. Doobs stopped me and said I was being ridiculous. She wanted to help, she said, and Laura (when she arrives) and I would be no trouble at all. I was really touched. It's so nice to have people treat me the way I would them.

Doobs (real name Emma) and I chopped it up in the kitchen for a bit. She showed me around. Told me "Mi casa es su casa. Is that right?" She left for work and I watched some telly. I was so excited to meet Laura in Kensington later in the day. I imagined seeing her with her bags and I literally started tearing up. I probably haven't seen her since 2004 and have had a hell of a time keeping in touch with her.

I took off to Kensington. I arrived early and hit up an internet cafe place to call my parents for the first time since I've been here. After that, I hung out in Gwendwr Garden. It was really tranquil. I just read some Bukowski don't I look so scholastic?) for about an hour. Then, I parked myself in front of the hostel at which Laura and I were supposed to met and continued to read 'til she arrived.

It was so strange to see here after such a long period of time had elapsed and it feel regular. We basically caught each other up on the past several years as we made our way to Doobs' to drop off her things. We got home, showered, met Doobs' roommate (Colin) and went out to eat. Then we decided to go into Chelsea area together, walk around and meet up with Max.

Max got me onto a VIP list for a really posh club here and wanted me to join him, but I opted not to. See, the tube stops running after midnight and doesn't start again until 5:00am. Max wanted to rage until 2 or 3AM and then take a 3 HOUR BUS RIDE to get back to our respective places. Um, no thanks. I did appreciate his offer, though.

Anyway, that's all moot because Max didn't show up. I figured he must've had to work late - he was meeting up with us after a photography gig - and at this point we were hungry and decided to eat. We went to this restaurant nearby that was so super busy that the bartender had to hop from behind the bar and join the 2 waitresses in taking orders.

We were there forever and happened to notice our waitress visit this table of 2 cute guys 3 times before we could even flag her down for water. Oh well.

Laura and I decided to head back and made it by midnight. We went to bed at 12:30 and slept hard. I think hanging outside in the cold tuckers me out... Anyway, tomorrow will be low-key. I love you, kids!

Hearts and shit,
T Dizz

PS! I forgot to mention my idiocy last night! So, at Jaime's you have to heat the water about 20 minutes before you take a shower. I did as instructed, but was quickly sidetracked by some Curb Your Enthusiasm with Dan and Jaime. I jaunted to the shower and was petrified the water heater would stop heating water halfway through my shower and a cascade of freezing cold icicle water would rain upon me. That's exactly what happened. I let out a gasp as the freezing fluid splashed all over me. I retreated to the back of the shower but, seeing as how I was covered in soap and my hair was a shampoo house, I had to finish. I climbed out and cranked the water heater. Keep in mind, it was so cold I could literally see my breath. As Arden would say: my nipples were hard with displeasure. I got back in the shower and had to bend backward to wash the shampoo out of my hair so the water wouldn't hit me. When I was done, I was flailing about to find the refuge of my towel, and in doing so, I managed to knock my shirt into the open toilet bowl. Ha! I just started laughing at my misfortune/bonehead mistake. What an idiot I am sometimes - but you all knew that already!

London: Day Four

2008-10-06T18:46:00.005-04:00

Hey, friends. I didn't do much of anything today. I got up at f'ing 12:30! Granted, I went to bed at 4AM - gChatting with Max, trying to figure out if I could meet up with him or not on Monday or Tuesday. The current "drama" - if you even want to call it that - is that I need(ed) a place to stay from Tuesday through Monday morning. My friend, Laura, (who is arriving tomorrow! Can't wait!) booked a hostel for herself for those days. I was going to book with her. However, I don't believe in paying 38 Euro a night to share a dorm style room with 5 other CoEd strangers. Well, 4, because I would know Laura... So, last night I was up late navigating Couchsurfing.com to find some strangers to stay with for free (and bring Laura along because I find it ridiculous she pay 38 Euro a night as well) and sending out emails to friends/friends-of-friends trying to find a place to crash... and that's how we got the 4AMness.

Anyway, I woke up tired, but decided to push forward. Why sleep longer when I could be exploring? I got up and ran a few errands. Exchanged some currency. Bought a worldwide power adaptor to charge my camera battery and phone. Stretched my legs.

Then I hopped on the tube to King's Cross to explore. Hopped back on and went to Arsenal's Emirates Stadium. It was HUGE and awesome. Oh and I've been using Jaime's camera (with my memory card in it) because I didn't have a way to charge my US outlet-style battery thing, and guess what? Her camera battery f'ing died RIGHT as I was about to snap the most perfect picture of Emirates. I was so annoyed. My fault, I know, but annoyed still. Earlier Jaime had insisted I take her celly cell - in case I got lost or something - so, I just snapped two pics with the camera phone instead. I'll email those to myself soon and post them later.

I stopped by the Arsenal shop and bought a few trinkets. I was also "hollered at" by one of the young(er) Arsenal players who is on the developmental team. He followed me in the store and was just kind of watching me. So, I asked "Are you just going to stare or are you going to say something?" He apologized and said something douche-y like "You know, I could get you a discount on that if you wanted..." Ha! Radical! Ummm, yeah, he was really cute - despite his douchebag answer AND duh, he's most likely going to play for the legit squad at some point. So, that makes him cuter... Jaime teased me (when I told her later) that I was going to be a WAG (wife and girlfriend) of a football star. I guess that's a term here. I like it - and yeah, I wouldn't mind being one. That'd be radical.

It was about 4PM at that point so I started to make my way back to Jaime's flat - she had an appt to go to and I needed to get back before she left in order to be let in. However, I decided to hop off quickly at Convent Garden.

It was during my quick stroll around Convent Garden I realized London no longer bores me. (Who am I - Holden Caulfield?) I've really enjoyed walking around on my own (and with Jaime). Travel is super easy on the tube - I just hate that it stops running at certain times. People are friendly. AND it's so damn clean!

I got back in good spirits - and was in even better spirits when I found out that Phoebe's friend Doobs agreed to house Laura and I starting tomorrow through Friday. Wonderful! I promised to cook dinner for Doobs at least twice. It'll be perfect. I leave for Scotland Thursday for the day and can crash at Doob's that night. The place is super close to the airport. So, that helps me out a lot. Then, Friday-Monday I'll be with my friend, Maggie, and we're going to stay at her friends' place(s). I'm thinking I MIGHT go visit Rhys in Ireland Sunday through Monday morning with all the money I'm saving from not having to pay for hostels. We'll see.

Bye for now, friends. I have to meet Doob's to pick up keys and drop off my bags at 8:30AM. Hooray for 5:30AM alarms (sarcasm font).

Love you guys!
Tanyasaurus Rex

PS. Thank you all so much for your help contacting your friends to see if Laura and I could stay with them. You guys are awesome! Thank you soooo much. I owe you some hugs! Oh, and Fern, at which restaurant did you work? Maybe I can stop by and send your regards...

PPS! My brother responded to my email where I sent him the picture of me sitting on the dumb "bench" with the soccer team he hates. He wrote "You are a dumb bitch! I hate your face. What other stadiums did you go to? Jess said the look on your face was like, 'This is so stupid, but I have to do it just to piss off Brandy.'" Precisely.

Wales: Day Three

2008-10-05T19:01:00.028-04:00

I went to bed at 3AM and woke up 3 hours later. I made myself an egg sammich, ate some yogurt and packed a hearty lunch. At 7AM, I made my way to Wimbledon Station. My trek to Swansea, Wales was an estimated 4 hours and 35 minutes. I knew I'd be able to nap on the train, but I wanted to stay awake so I could make my transfer and, more importanly, see the countryside.

The Scottish and English countrysides are ridiculous! I did get a little bored at times, but I listened to a mix Annie made me for throughout most of the ride(s) while I happily watched the rolling green and myriad of farm animals. As we crossed over into Wales I realized something: Wales kicks f'ing a.

Neath seemed rustic and modern all in one. I would have gotten off the train to muck around a bit, but I feared I wouldn't catch another train to Swansea at a reasonable hour. Regardless, Swansea was beautiful in its own right, though. It had the same juxtaposition of old and new buildings sitting side by side in temporal harmony.

Well, Internet Audience, unbeknownst to me, I basically traversed nearly all of Swansea by foot. I had studied a map of the city the night before and sketched a miniature version in my notebook. One of the first things I noticed was this fortress wall and leaf-boat sculpture. I liked them. Hence, I photographed them. Duh.

At this point I knew one of my top sites (Swansea Castle) was to the Southwest of the rail station. Now, Swansea proved to be a very small city - which was not drawn to scale on the map I perused the previous night. It looked fairly spread out. So, I decided to walk in the general direction where this Castle might be and was sure I'd hit up some other sites along the way...

I haphazardly stumbled upon Swansea City Football Club's (old) stadium: Vetch Field. I wanted to find Liberty Stadium (their new pitch - and supposedly the biggest in all of the UK), but according to the map I perused the night before, it seemed far from the city limits. So, I resigned myself to eyeballing Vetch. While walking around the neighborhood, I found a prison. Yes. It was weird and it almost just blended in.

I kept walking and hit the coast and some sort of library/community center with a serene view of the ocean, a government type building and a funny Jesus sign. I've decided when I self-photo, I just want to take pictures where my face lurks in the lower corner of the frame. It's funny to me - and uncomfortable for everyone else:

I walked and walked and kept getting excited when I'd see some stonewalled building - thinking it was the elusive Swansea Castle. However, after walking for a good hour, I decided to start walking northbound in case I had missed it. I made a huge loop back toward the "City Centre" and finally asked someone where the damn castle was. She told me I had to walk a ways down and I'd run right into it.

Strange. I'm usually really good with directions. I didn't know how I could have passed it. I also noticed when I spoke to the woman it was the first time I had spoken at all that day. It was 2PM. It felt kind of nice. I felt so happy and at ease. I was really enjoying my alone time. I wasn't even listening to music - just listening to Swansea and taking it all in.

Once I got closer to the City Centre, I felt too close to the rail station and feared I'd passed it again. Then there was a sign that pointed to nowhere that simply read "Castle." I decided to just start walking South at this point and try to find some familiar-sounding streets.

I ended up walking to the water again - and passing Plantasia. Plantasia had SOUNDED awesome (a greenhouse with tons of exotic and rare species of flowers/plants) but when I walked past and looked through the window, it was retarded. It looked like the garden section of Home Depot. Good thing I hadn't set out to find it first.

I then walked into a mall and just asked a dude with glasses and a blazer. He seemed trustworthy. I mean, a dude wearing a blazer and spectacles. He had to know his shit. AND of course he gave me excellent directions. Told ya, bitches. He said Swansea Castle was located just in front of the shopping mall. Strange, Part II. I had already passed the shopping mall on my initial walk from the rail station.

Then I saw it - at least a wall of it. As I walked around this wall, I was expecting to find this spectacular and epic castle. I slowly walked around the first wall of it. I took my time and debated whether I should eat a sammich on the lawn before I entered. I figured I'd searched for it for so long, I might as well enter, walk around and then eat. So, I literally skipped around the wall to get to the front. I was so stoked. However, imagine my anger when I saw this:

It was just that fucking wall I had seen next to the fountain when I had first arrived! What the fuck?! It wasn't a standing castle; it was a fragment! Instead of getting pissed, I laughed hysterically. The first words I said to myself aloud all day were "You've got to be fucking shitting me!" I sat on the fountain and ate a sandwich, took some pictures and laughed intermittenly. Swansea schooled me hard. That map had lied to me. Swansea was tiny afterall. Tomfoolery! I felt like a buffoon. Whatever, I saw so much of the city because of this comedy of errors.

At that point, I felt rested and decided to walk toward the Swansea Museum, the Waterfront Museum and a few other little nooks and crannies to take awkward pictures. Big doi. Awkward faces, awkward mannerisms and awkward pictures are what I do best. Why would a different country change that about me?

I was pretty tuckered after that. I had arrived in Swansea at noon and left at 5:30. I was definitely on my feet walking in the cold from noon until 5:15. Whatever, it was rad. I mean, all in all, Swansea was fun. I got to see a lot of stuff on foot and napped like crazy on the train back. However, I think if I had had a car, I could have seen all of Swansea in about 15 minutes. It's small.

I sat on the train(s) and napped and read and napped and read. I got to Jamie's flat at 10PM and have been tuckered ever since.

Jaime and I were going to trek to Stonehenge tomorrow, but I called Laura (in Hawaii) and she's down to go on Wednesday so we can "bond." I haven't seen her in years! I can't wait to have a reunion in London on Tuesday and then again with others on Friday.

Also, Hilo: Max and I are meeting up for drinks tomorrow night. It should be super offensive and super fun. He can't wait to "hear [my] dirty little accent." Ha! He's hilarious! I can't wait to launch into Offend-o-con 3000 with him. I have been really tame here with my language. Yes, people, Tanya has limits and social tact that she SOMETIMES adheres to.

Anyway, I'm done being on the internet while I could be doing something better. See you soon, guys! I'll let you know what me and the Jaime end up doing in Londontown tomorrow! I hope you are all well.

Hearts and farts,
Tanya Lasagna

PS. I only spent 3 pounds today. I rule!

PPS. I saw Liberty Stadium from the train on my way out! Rockage!

PPPS. I don't think I hate Bukowski afterall. I read "Women" from cover-to-cover in like 5 minutes. However, I still think he was an asshole.

London: Day Two

2008-10-04T19:19:00.024-04:00

Day Two was off to a late start. My fault. I told J-Flo I just wanted to wake up when my body was ready. I went to bed at 3AM and woke up at 11:30AM. Guess my internal clock is just like it is in Jew York... We didn't leave until about 2PM. We had breakfast and did some laundry. I planned some day trips. Once we finally got on the tube, I was super stoked to see this gorilla picture. I love goriilas. They're great - and don't you f'ing fight me on this! Gorilla's future was so bright, had to put mah stunnas on. (I'm kidding, idiots).

Anyway, I only had two things I wanted to see: Craven Cottage (Fulham football stadium) and Stamford Bridge (Chelsea football stadium). We did a lot of walking and a lot of exploring today. We serendipitously stumbled upon some awesome gems. One is the statue to the left.

J-Flo and I decided to walk along the Thames and hit up the Cottage first. I was really excited to see where one of my favorite players (Carlos Bocanegra) used to play and also see the surrounding ritzy neighborhood. I was pretty impressed with most everything I saw in Fulham. The stadium was beautiful and the pitch was gorgeous. It made me want to slide tackle some bitches.

We pussyfooted around the stadium a bit and made our way towards Chelsea. As we were leaving Fulham we came across a red Vespa that I really wanted to jack. Jaime wouldn't let me. Good call. I haven't ridden any type of motorcylce/scooter in years and would probably stall or fall... or go to jail.

We made it to Chelsea unscathed, but walked a shit ton around those districts. Once we made it to Stamford Bridge I realized my brother would probably murder me. He loathes Chelsea. So, like the truly antagonizing asshole I am, I took a bunch of pictures for him (which I've already emailed) and kept laughing maniacally just thinking of the Skype conversation I would have with him.

They had this really dorky but hilarious photo of all the starting players for Cheslea FC where you could sit down and pretend you were part of the team. Of course I partook in the idiocy - this is me we are talking about afterall.

Here is a close-up and then an equally dorky picture of me with the paper-version of Michael Ballack:

We decided to quickly trot home (to Wimbledon), grab some groceries and I'd cook for Jamie - but not without taking a dumb, touristy picture in a phonebooth first. On our way back, we decided to walk through Brompton cemetary. It wasn't until that moment - after knowing each other since we were 14 - that Jamie and I realized what wimps we are...

Dusk was rolling in. Rain fell from the sky. We were walking with the dead. Jamie chastised me because I had earlier made mention of a terrible smell coming from a nearby park. Without even thinking I yelped "what if they are burning the corpses from a nearby cemetary" and laughed at what a horrible thought that was.

Now, we were IN a cemetary... and it was scary. Jaime insisted the spirits were irate with me because of my earlier comment. All of a sudden a little golf cart with flashing lights came careening toward us. The two guards told us the cemetary was closing and told us to move toward the exit as soon as possible. We still had a bit of a walk to get to the other side. We IMMEDIATELY started freaking out that we were going to get locked in. We put a pep in our step. I kept thinking some asshole was going to jump out of the bushes to scare us. Jaime said the guards were going to bury us alive. A raven landed near us and we froze. We were SUCH little pussies. It was embarrassing.

Regardless, we made it out alive. Big shocker, right? After waiting a bit for the tube, we made it home to cook, clean and watch some comedy. We watched some Jimmy Carr and Ricky Gervais. Gervais is so brilliant!

At the end of Day Two, I can definitely say I've been able to see so much of London already - and seeing as though I still have another week here, I've decided to take some day trips.

I bought train tickets to go to Wales tomorrow because, why not? It's about a 4 and a half hour trek. I'll go it alone. It'll be awesome. I've really been looking forward to some alone time - especially since I was feeling so damn spread-thin in New York. I'm stoked. I'm hoping to stay about 5 hours and see: Liberty Stadium, The Murmers, Swansea Castle, Plantasia and other ish. We'll see how I do.

Alright, I love you, guys! Sorry these posts have been so terrible - I don't care to proofread or write well. Honestly, I think I've gotten exponentially stupider since I've graduated college. Oh well, maybe some Bukowski will help me. I'll have a LOT of time to read on my way to and fro Wales...

Mmmmbye!

PS. This is my favorite sign I have found in all of London. Enjoy!

London: Day One

2008-10-03T21:10:00.005-04:00

After some brief catching up with Jaime and Daniel, Daniel left for his bachelor party weekend in Amsterdam. In turn, I have sequested the Jaime. I'm sure we'll be doing absolutely nothing as debaucherous as what the boys are up to in the 'dam.

Quickly after I arrived, Dan's mom was picking us up for a quick drive to Surrey - where the wedding will take place. Jaime was going to have a meeting at the wedding site to finalize some last minute deets. I was super blown away by the impressive acreage and serenity of Clandon. It's going to be a beautiful wedding for sure.

There is so much to do on the grounds as well. I can't wait to be dressed up and at the petting zoo after the ceremony is done. It's going to rock! Dan's mom, who is one of the nicest people ever, explained to us the idea behind Clandon and how it came to be acquired by the government. Then, she drove us back to Jaime's and past the famous Wimbledon tennis courts.

Once we got back, I took a nap of the ages while Jaime ran some errands. I woke up to a tanner, shopped-out Jaime. It was pretty funny. Once the grogginess wore off, Himie and I decided to explore.

Jamie and I walked around East London. Saw tons of stuff. Buckingham Palace. London Eye. Parliament. Big Ben. Picadilly Circus. Lots, duh. Then, we had the most delicious fish 'n' chips ever. I ate until it, literally, hurt. My digestive system said no, but my tastes buds disagreed. I pressed on until my plate was clean and my stomach was stretched.

While we walked around I took a few silly pictures - as is my nature. Here are a few...

1. Nelson Mandela('s statue) thinks I'm silly. 2. I scaled Parliament:

It started getting super chilly so Jaime and I retired to her flat. We floundered on the couch since we'd eaten so damn much and I started planning what we could do the following day. I didn't get much done though, because I was extrememly distracted by gChat and the entire first season of "Little Britain." It's pretty funny.

We'll see what the Himie-san and I get up to tomorrow. Lateskis, brosefs!

T-Bag

Resurrection in Wimbledon

2008-10-03T04:08:00.003-04:00

Hey-o, homies! I've resurrected the blog! I'm in foggy ol' England. What the f is this - San Francisco? This entry is going to be short and to the point (something that is not my forte). However, it'll look like a little monkey with the Down's transcribed this because I'm too tired to try and be articulate.

My plane arrived at 6:00AM London time (obviously) and I quickly made it on the tube and by foot to Wimbledon/Woodside area of London. It's 9:00AMish and I'm sitting in my friend, Jaime's, apartment right now and getting ready to go explore on my own (she has wedding stuff to take care of). I'll let you know what I end up doing later. It's weird though. People totally know I'm American just by looking at me. Granted I had my backpack and bags, and Poland Spring water in hand. Whatever. I think it's funny. I'll just talk about how I love baby Jesus and George Dubya.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:
-Football stadium tour
-Losing weight by eating nothing
-Trying to only spend 19USD a day
-Watching awesome british comedy series: Peep Show, Little Britain, etc.
-Using a terrible fake English accent
-Pooping

Speaking of which... bye!

Tanya Lasagna

Nica Party: Day Three

2008-01-25T11:32:00.021-05:00

Today Greta woke me up before she went to work to let me know that the driver could take me to el Mercado Oriental if I wanted to. Perfect. I woke up right away and looked like complete ass. I hadn't taken a shower and I looked all tired and gross. The driver, Pedro, Greta and I all went down to her work, dropped her off, filled up the tank and then zipped over to el Mercado.

I felt kind of like a jerk because the guy had to drive me around and I was just a guest at the house. Regardless, I talked him up a bit and he even offered to walk me around el Mercado, seeing as though I hadn't been there in eight months, and it's super crowded and busy. It's not dangerous but if you're not careful (and if you're kind of an idiot), you could totally get pick-pocketed.

At first I declined the offer, but then the more I thought about it, maybe it was a good idea. I said something like "Well, I know how much guys like to shop. So, if you want to join me, Pedro, that would actually be a good idea." He smiled and accepted.

I was done very quickly at el Mercado. I bought roughly 15 yards of fabric (in 5-6 different colors/styles) for a little less than $20/300 cordobas. Radical. I also bought two pairs of nice shoes for $10 bucks each.

When I was done shopping, I asked Pedro to take me to Pollo Campero. (It's a KFC-esque fast food chain in Central America. I used to LOVE it when I'd visit El Salvador). I asked Pedro if he wanted to eat, but he declined anything except for a soda. I trotted in, ate, and realized "Wow, maybe this isn't as good as I remember it being..." It was decent, but I think it's more the good memories that surround Pollo Campero that I miss and not so much the food. I've defected the country of PC, sadly.

Pedro took me home as we sipped our sodas. (That's is another thing! I don't drink soda, except when I'm here - and it's makes me burp like crazy!! Also, another weird thing about Nicaragua that I learned when we bought gas, they don't accept any American dollars if they have the slightest of tears on them. They have to be in pristine condition. Weird).

As Pedro drove me home, Elin called me (Greta lent me her cell phone so that I'd be more accessible). She invited me to go with her to La Playa de Apollo - less than an hour's drive from Managua - to go tanning. I graciously accepted. She said she'd come to pick me up. Not five minutes after returning to the house, I was jumping into Elin's car with my bathing suit and flip flops in tow. It was rad.

Elin and I had a nice talk driving there. She's really a nice girl. When we got there, I was amazed. It was beautiful and very resort like. (Strange, now that I look back on my travel experiences, I've had a lot of opportunity to go to these luxurious lodgings and feel like it's almost normal. I feel incredibly lucky to experience that. I mean, I know I sound like a little brat "You know, some people never get to stay at 5-star hotels! Isn't that crazy?!" but it's just incredible to me that I've gotten to see such things).

(I look like a hippy backpacker. Gross).. The view was beautiful and it was nice and hot. Also, Elin('s mom) was friends with the owners. So, we got to met the husband and his son. It was nice to have some form of welcome there. Anyway, we sunbathed, swam, ate and then left. It was a quick little trip that lasted about 5 hours with travel.

On our way back, Elin stopped by el Volcan Masaya so I could stop and see it. It was kind of funny - you have to back up your car ass-first into the parking spot so that in case the volcano erupts, you can get out easier. It was hard to view because of all the smoke, but I climbed up to the top of the lookout point regardless. It was really rad.

Anyway, we decided it'd be best if I stayed with Elin until Greta got off of work. Then, she'd pick me up and we'd go see the seamstress so that I could get some custom-made clothes. Elin and I went to her house, I met her mother and we took off to a small coffeeshop. It was nice. They had apple fritters (not exactly like those from home) but still delicious. I hadn't had one in years.

It started pouring rain for about an hour. So, we fled back to the house and played on Photobooth for awhile until Greta came. Photobooth is hilarious. Some of the distorted photos of me actually look like realy people I've seen in my life before. HA!

Once she came we hustled to the seamstress', I got fitted and she told me to come back on Monday night to see if the dresses needed any alterations. She's really busting her ass to try and get them done before I leave. In total, I'm getting two dresses made from her, two dresses altered (which I brought from home), 3 pairs of pants made and 2 vests. Guess how much it will cost me? Roughly $55/900 cordobas. Ridonkulous!

When we got back, Elin let us take showers there (Greta had brought my things), ate dinner and then left for a night out. It was insane. We got there and a round of drinks was ordered for us right off of the bat by some mysterious gentleman. Then, it happened again (but this time from a friend of the girls). After that, a girl named Xiomara haphazardly came to join us. I don't think Elin was that fond of her, but I thought she was pretty fun. We went to the bathroom together and she kept dancing in there. Hahaha, I asked her if she was ready to go and then said "Um, you know this is the bathroom, right?" To which she retorted, "Yeah, I know." Brilliant.

After that we went to Moods - this dance club/bar I'm a fan of. Anyway, Elin parked herself at the bar and merely stated "I'll sit here and see how many guys come up to me." Seeing as though she looks (and is) foreign, guys are really attracted to her. Greta and I scampered off to dance. When we turned around, nearly 7 dudes were all hitting on Elin. It was insane! I've never seen such a thing!

Anyway, we danced a lot, Greta got severely burned with a cigarette, we saw these really awkwardly dressed Americans (whom we dubbed "The Missionaries"), we drove home - blasted "Total Eclipse of the Heart" (twice) and I, for sure, got out to ghost ride the whip. It was great because Elin kept saying "You guys! This could be really dangerous!" Haha, but actuality, it really could have been...

We got to Elin's and stayed there that night. We woke up very early the next morning and left for another adventure.

Ciao for now,
Lil Gup

Nica Party: Days One and Two

2008-01-24T14:05:00.011-05:00

So, I came to Nicaragua to visit Greta last May and never ended up blogging about it. Well, here I am, 8 months later and blogging with each and every day -- that's the plan at least. I left NYC (and it's 30 degree weather) early in the morning. I got to Miami and waited for about 3 hours for my connecting flight. The flight to Managua was rad. I went first class and got fed. They kept trying to pour booze down my throat. I ended up arriving in Nicaragua at 7:30PM.

Straight away Greta took me to eat and meet up with this girl I met last time named Elin. She's a Swede and her mom is the Swedish ambassador here. Their house is phenomenal. Anyway, we ate and then from there, Elin's driver (yes, nearly all the rich people have them here) took us to various dance clubs/bars. That's one thing that is kind of weird for me.

In Latin America (if you're wealthy), that's what you do: you go out. A lot. You go out and dance and drink and have a driver take you around town. This isn't really my style. I don't think I'd ever want to go to a dance club in New York or anywhere really. However, here it's fun. People actually know how to dance and they have fun with it. Granted, I'm not a big drinker and I don't really like going out much when I'm on vacation - I'd rather climb things and sunbathe and go on adventures - but once in awhile it's fun. Especially so in Nicaragua. I guess it's because I really like the music they play: some American stuff, Reggaeton, TuPac, Juanes, Hispanic pop, etc. It's a really great mix!

Anyway, here are a few pictures from the night:

I basically got off of the plane, ate dinner at this mall/going-out complex (where we met up with Elin) and just went around from there. We got home at around 2:30/3:00AM. Poor Greta had to get up and go to work the next morning and be there all day.

That next day, I just hung out at Greta's house all day. I had possible plans of going to el Mercado Oriental (basically like a flea market) to buy fabric and shoes, OR to hang out with Elin, but both of those plans fell through. I had a great time, though just lounging by the pool and g-chatting with people. I seriously just hung out, ate, hung out some more and then played Guitar Hero with Greta's little cousin Chele. He whooped my ass.

Greta came home at around 6:30PM and we all hung out and just had a good time until we fell asleep.

It was good to relax today. I really needed it. Not that my job was that hard or the job search is that intensive, but I really felt like I needed a break from New York for awhile... Today, and this trip in general, will be good for me.

More to come, friends.

**I am blogging semi-live. I am just saving all these blogs as drafts because I really want to add pictures to the posts, but the wireless internet is a little slow here and it takes too long to upload each picture. (Not like you care about this information, but whatever).

Arrested Development Marathon: DAY 2

2008-01-17T15:33:00.000-05:00

My sister already blogged about Day Two.

Vanessa and I got up a little bit late and started around 9:15AM for our second and final day of our AD Marathon. We researched a little bit about AD/AD cast/AD episode plot-lines/references etc and realized our marathon could not have been done at a a better time:

1. I recently spotted an AD cast member in my neighborhood -- I will blog about this soon.
2. Monday, January 14th (the day before our marathon began) was Jason Bateman's birthday!
3. The series finale was held on my upcoming birthday (Feb. 10th) just a few years ago.

I started the day off with a hearty breakfast. As Vanessa and I watched, she got upset that I was online checking my mail and chatting with a few friends. However, I had seen the episodes just a few nights ago at my friend, Ari's, apartment. I got off of the 'puter and noticed that Vanessa was awfully quiet. She had started to nod off! How dare she! We decided we needed to take a break.

Vanessa and I had a funny conversation that went something like this:

Vanessa: Tanya, I have a confession to make. I need a break. During the first two episodes I was barely keeping my eyes open.
Tanya: I noticed! Yeah, we should take a quick lunch break and I'll shower.
Vanessa: That is sad when you think about it: We need a break from TV WATCHING!
Tanya: Well, if you think about it, there is half-time in soccer. There are time-outs in basketball. We need a break, too.
Vanessa: Yeah, but that's running. This is laying on a couch all day. It's like we need a break from an already leisurely activity.

We got back to the watching straight away. During another one of our breaks we debated who was cuter or who we'd rather date: Will Arnett or Jason Bateman. I opted for GOB while she opted for Michael. We, also, noticed during our small break that in order to finish our marathon, we'd be up for a long while. We charged on.

We finally ended the series finale at 12:28AM. However, we were not ready for it to be over. We watched a bunch of the extras and kept making jokes that our lives were over...

We tabulated our respective tallies and came to these conclusive findings:

ALLUSIONS TO TOBIAS' WAVERING HETEROSEXUALITY: Season 1: 27
Season 2: 50
Season 3: 71

Season 1 Average: 1.227273 per episode
Season 2 Avg: 2.777778 per episode
Season 3 Avg: 5.461538 per episode

Series Total: 148
Series Avg: 2.792453 per episode

"I'VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE": Season 1: 7
GOB: 5
Marta: 1
Michael: 1
Season 2: 4
GOB:2
Michael: 1
George: 1
Season 3: 4
GOB:1
Steve Holt!: 1
Michael: 1
Lucille: 1

Season 1 GOB Avg: 0.227273 per episode
Season 1 Total Avg: 0.318182 per episode
Season 2 GOB Avg: 0.111111 per episode
Season 2 Total Avg: 0.222222 per episode
Season 3 GOB Avg: 0.076923 per episode
Season 3 Total Avg: 0.307692 per episode

Series GOB Total: 8
Series Total: 15
Series GOB Avg: 0.150943 per episode
Series Total Avg: 0.283019 per episode

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN: Series Total: 10

Yes, I understand that I am a huge nerd for calculating all this crap (minus "The Final Countdown" - which my sis did), but it made my viewing more enjoyable. Also, it made me feel like this lazython was more professional...

Overall, I am really glad Vanessa and I undertook this massive marathon. It was a fun two days and I finally saw all the episodes in their entirety and in order. I recommend all other (lazy) people try it, too! Happy AD watching!

Arrested Development Marathon: DAY 1

2008-01-16T14:01:00.000-05:00

Vanessa has blogged about Day One as well.

Hello, friends. My sister, Vanessa, and I decided to have a Two-Day Arrested Development Marathon (which I previously blogged about). We took it very seriously. For example, since I am quite a night owl, (to my sister's request) I brought 2 herbal-sleeping aides to work that night. That way, once I finished work at about 10:30PM, I could take the pills and take the train home and by the time I got there, be ready to sleep. Thus, I would be able to get up early the next morning. Similarly, Vanessa bought green tea for the following morning as an energy boost. Also, the night before we started (Monday, January 14th), she sent me a text that read: You should buy yourself some snacks for tomorrow. I did.

Vanessa and I woke up early and started watching at roughly 9AM. The series has 53 episodes, so we wanted to get through (at least) 23 (the entire first season) the first day. We wanted to partake in "active viewing," so we each chose to tally how many times a certain joke/phrase occurred during the series. Vanessa chose to tally how many times Europe's "The Final Countdown" was played, while I tallied whenever there were "Allusions To Tobias' Wavering Heterosexuality" and when the line "I've Made A Huge Mistake" was uttered.

We took a very long break at 1:30PM - where I ran errands and bought AD-related snacks. Also, since we have a futon, Vanessa and I pulled it out to lounge on whilst marathon watching. However, we accidentally broke the 3-pronged surge protector that was plugged into the outlet behind the futon. We didn't notice until we took our break. I guess when we extended the futon, the back end smashed against and dragged the plug down. This snapped one of the prongs off of the plug, but it stayed in the outlet.

Vanessa and I were delirious with laughter and had to turn off all the breakers while I tried to wiggle out the metal from the outlet with two pencils (because I was scared I'd get shocked). Vanessa became angry (but not really) when I admitted that I had broken the third prong off it before (in a similar situation), but just kind of pushed the prong back in the plug and left it.

Anyway, we continued at around 5PM and finished Season One around 9:30PM. We both took our herbal sleeping aides and then cracked into Season 2. We only watched about three episodes, returned to our sleeping chambers and recharged for the next day...

I definitely had Arrested Development related dreams that night - as did Vanessa. Awesome!

What a great life I lead...
-Lil Guppo

Arrested Development: In Progress

2008-01-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

Hello, friends. Long time no blog. My sister and I are in the middle of our "lunch break" during our Arrested Development marathon. She doesn't know yet, but I just returned from running errands and stopped by the supermarket to buy a pseudo-AD-related treat for us. In the second episode, Buster was eating popcorn and my sister commented on how delightful that sounded. Also, when the banana stand popped up, I realized we both were oggling the phallic treat (in a wholesome manner). So, I bought popcorn and some frozen-banana-like treats. It was the best I could find at the ghetto market.

FYI, this first part of the marathon was riddled with comedic events on our part. I'll fully blog about this later. FYI, Part II: We are keeping running tallies of how many times certain occurrences (well, um,) occur throughout the series. We really are partaking in active DVD-watching!

Onward to hour 7!

Lil Gup

Christmas Dream

2007-12-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

This Christmas morning, I had such a peculiar dream. Now, I usually remember many dreams I have, and most of my dreams are fairly normal. However, this dream that I had was weird. On Christmas Eve, I perused my old 1995 World Almanac. Perhaps this had something to do with my dream...

The setting for this dream was during a track & field match for something smaller than the Olympics, but bigger than a professional sporting event. I was on the track team as the anchor (the fastest person saved for the end of the heat). On my team was a girl, Caroline, from eighth grade (that I haven't seen since), some random girl that I knew in my dream (but not in real life) and ... Mike Tyson! Strange, I know.

The audience for the race sat to the left of the track and not in bleachers, but in tables with umbrellas like they were in an outdoor-patio-area of a restaurant. We each had to run about 200 meters, tag a wall at the end of the track and then run back. Yes, very professional.

As the race started, Caroline took off first. As she ran, I screamed and screamed! "Thatta girl! Faster, Caroline! Go! GO!" I noticed that the next girl in our relay team started before Caroline fully crossed the finish line. It seemed as though all the relay teams were doing that and it didn't matter. As the other girl got back, Tyson got ready to run. When I ran, I remember thinking "God, I remember being much faster than this!" I was running my heart out, but I felt like I was pulling a lot of weight.

I got back (in first place, I might add) and was winded yet triumphant. However, I saw Caroline take off running again. I remember feeling panicked. Where was she going? What was happening? I was, then, informed that we had to run two heats. I was so worried; I had just gave my all. I knew my next heat would be very hard.

When Mike Tyson took off running, he got confused or something and stumbled into the spectators area. People started taunting him about being a rapist (which I'm sure came to mind because of the almanac I had read). They were yelling at him and he seemed like Lennie from Of Mice and Men (which I was also reading just before I fell asleep). He was just stumbling around oafishly. In the dream, I thought: This must be around 1995 because they are yelling about the rape charges.

Anyway, I started yelling at Mike to finish the race. I was getting super pissed because everyone was catching up on us. He finally stepped back onto the track and started running, but at this point I was too impatient. I took off running. I was running as hard as I could, but it was too late. The race ended and we had lost first place. I was incredibly pissed. I blame Mike Tyson.

I don't know what all that means or if it means anything at all. Oh well. Just thought I'd share!

Your weird friend,
T-Baggins

I'm A Wuss

2007-12-19T02:20:00.000-05:00

So, I'm a wuss when it comes to flying. I'm fairly superstitious. I do the sign of the cross at take-off and landing. I say a specific formulated prayer with nearly every Saint's name that I can remember. I tend to try and be on my best behavior and be very contemplative before a scheduled flight.

It makes me feel like a hypocrite lately. I don't really know how I feel about institutionalized religion. Well, I know how I feel about it: I don't like it. I'm not really sure that I believe in a heaven or a hell. I'm 99% sure I believe in God. There are things I've seen or felt that have yet to be explained by science or common sense. However, I worry that I just want to believe in God...

I guess I'm bringing this all up because I'm getting on a plane in about 5 hours. Yup, I'm going (going) back (back) to Cali (Cali). I hope I get there safely. I hope I get to see lots of you. If I don't, please don't take offense. I'm only going to be there for six days or so. I'll try my best to see people, but I've been rather, I dunno, weird lately. I like hanging out with people, but the idea of doing so seems burdensome sometimes. It's very unlike me. Well, we'll see... Anyhow, take care, friends! Have safe holidays! I love you all. I really, really do.

I miss California. It'll be good to go home...

Well, I'm off! Wish me a safe trip!

Your pal,
Tanya to the E.

PS. This picture made my heart smile. Hey, you know what? You make my heart smile!

Co-Workers Are Fun

2007-12-18T00:41:00.000-05:00

One day at work, we were bored whilst the show ran its course. A co-worker, whom we affectionately (and jokingly) refer to one another as "girlfriend" wrote lists about me... I shall share them with you here, Internet Audience. I found them quite funny.

Tanya Is The Best At:
-Pooing
-Farting
-Sexual Harassment
-Eating Pad Thai
-Making Up Songs
-Imitating Derek
-Haggling Passionately
-Leaving Bottlecaps On Bars
-Cursing At People

Of course, the other list, which I'm sure you could have guessed, is:

Tanya Is The Worst At:
-Girlfriending
-Comebacking
-Listening
-Explaining
-Remembering
-Being Human
-Living

I guess I'm bad at the important things in life. Oh well, at least I'm good at farting!

Later, gators!
Lasagna Lady

BFF Visit: Day Seven & Eight

2007-11-26T17:18:00.000-05:00

I met up wih Erc again on Sunday night. She had slept over Kristen's the night before while I worked. Erc came to my work and we went back to my place from there. She told me that she had gone to Coney Island and what not earlier in the day. Sounded pretty cool.

As we waited for our transfer on the subway ride, this crazy hobo just kept yelling weird shit. "She was foaming out the mouth! She ate yo' kids!" Erc and I kept giving each other looks that basically read as "What the FUCK?" We would continue to talk and then we'd hear him yell again. "Grandma, why'd you eat me? You already ate seven of us. You ate Freddy. Why you gotta eat me, too? 'Cause I'm fat?...What happened to my kids? I dunno. I bet they got kidnapped."

Yeah, he was a strange one. He got on the same subway car we did and I had a revelation! I had totally seen this guy before. He rode the J train with me once when I went over to Jeremy's. He seemed normal then. He walked around the car saying this certain speech (which he did for us then, too) stating his name was Santiago and that he was homeless. He asked for any help possible to get "a hot meal today." Then, he'd end it with "whether you give or not: thank you and God bless."

I remembered him because I liked his name and because he seemed so sincere. I gave him money on that train ride, but on this one, he kind of scared me.

Erc and I went to The Library (bar) for a drink and then went home. The next morning, we woke up and took Erc to the airport. We said our goodbyes, and I left for work.

I should mention, though, that Erc got to see one of my favorite subway performers on our way to the port of air. He is this Hispanish man who "plays" the panflute along to a CD of pop-panflute songs. A favorite of his is "My Heart Will Go On," by Celine Dion. Basically, he doesn't really play the panflute, he "lipsyncs" it and randomly will play a little here and there to "harmonize." He has a microphone and speakers set-up and everything - like he's ACTUALLY playing it. He's AWFUL. AWFULLY AWESOME. His showmanship is amazing! (This time he was rockin' a recorder, guitar and panflute. What a performer!) Here is a picture and a video that only captures an inkling of his greatness. There is a dumb hipster who gets in the way of my filming. It's kind of funny.

Anyway, having Erc here was really nice. I'm sure we got annoyed at certain points, but she really is like a sister to me. She's still the only person to have come to New York JUST to see ME. I love her. I can't wait to see her when I go home for Christmas. She and I have seen each other through some shit, and I could not be happy enough that she came to visit me. You're the best, Erca Whale. Now, quit trying to be my girlfriend. I told you, I don't swing that way.

Kidding,
T Bag

BFF Visit: Day Six

2007-11-25T10:37:00.000-05:00

Erica and I got up fairly early and made our way on the train to the Brooklyn Brewery. As we sat on the short ride, there was a blind man who kept bumping into everything and tapping people's feet with his cane thing. Erc and I were trying not to laugh or stare, but she leaned in and whispered, "Did he just become blind because he's sooo bad at that." That's exactly why I love Erca Whale!

The Brewery was alright. The tour was literally one room and we just stood there while the tour guides entertained us for a half hour. I'm not a beer connoisseur, but they had quite a tasty array of beers there. We got to sample some. I only had two. I had to work later that night.

After the tour, Erc and I met up with Jeremy to eat at this really good Thai restaurant in Williamsburg called Tai Thai.

Erica and I took the train together and then parted. I was off to work and she was going to hang out with and sleep over at Kristen's place. I didn't want to have to go to work while my BFF was in town, but, you know, Mama's gotta make a livin'.

We settled that Erc and I would meet up the next day...

'Til then, friends
-The T

BFF Visit: Day Five

2007-11-24T19:27:00.000-05:00

I woke up early-ish on Friday and didn't want to wake Erc up. I left her a little love letter on the pillow next to her that let her know I was going to run some errands and would be back in about an hour and a half. I went to the tailor (yes, I'm short and had to hem all my pants) and then to buy much-needed groceries. (I didn't want Erc or I to spend too much money eating out. I had meant to buy groceries before she arrived, but I was an idiot and didn't).

Erc woke up, got ready and I made us food. Then, we made our way to Chinatown again. Friends, I love to haggle and I wanted to buy (what Jeremy taught me was called) a "Jesus piece." Jeremy joined us and off we went to haggle my way to a heavy bust of Jesus around my neck. We went to a jewelry store in Chinatown, but I was floored by their ridiculous prices.

While we were looking at one, I asked how much it was and the dude said something near $150. "$150?! That's a little too expensive for a joke." Jeremy asked him, "Do you have one where he looks a little bit more dead?" I nearly pissed my pants. The guy looked around for another one. We said forget it and looked for something cheaper in the store.

A young girl showed us one that was smaller, and only $80. (Sarcasm font). Jeremy asked "Can you hook us up with the Christian discount?" She said that was the Christian discount. I retorted, "Well, but, see, I can get Jesus in church for free." She jokingly said "Why don't you go to church then?" Regardless, we decided these were too expensive and made our way to the street vendors to find a cheap one.

As we walked, Erc and I decided to count how many times someone would ask us if we wanted knock-off purses. Tiny, aggressive Asian women, lean into you as you walk down the street and ask you if you want "Gooshii (Gucci), Plada (Prada), DeeShee, (D & G)." If you say yes, they take you into a sweatshop (no joke) and into a backroom where they have a myriad of purses. However, Erc and I didn't want any. So, being asked repeatedly if we did was annoying. After about 10 minutes, we stopped counting at 15.

Erc & I began recanting to Jeremy my insane bargaining skills/tactics. On our first trip to Chinatown, I was going nuts over buying these shitty little-kids watches. At one point I talked them from $5 each to 2 for $6. The lady said, "No! Tuu fo' say-vuhn dolla!" Then, I retorted quickly "$6.50!" and she got pissed and shooed me away.

I had seen other Jesus pieces for sale and people wanted like $50 because they were "silver." So, I'd bend them to the point where they almost broke and say "This isn't silver. This is almost breaking, is what it is. I'll give you $15" and they'd get pissed and I'd toss it on their table and walk away. Finally, I found my Jesus piece. I talked him down to $10. I rule.

Jeremy, Erca Whale and I all went to Union Square 'cause Erc and Jeremy wanted to look at shoes. While walking through the park, we saw this rad dude to the right. Also, Jeremy and I have the habit of making dumb jokes and laughing to our nonsensical remarks. I guess I should say, Jeremy and I have the habit of being really annoying. I think we were annoying Erc. She said we weren't. But, I'd be annoyed if I were her. Shit, I was annoyed and I was the one doing the annoying.

Erc and I left to go home and it started pouring rain! We had to hide under an awning and then run to the subway station. When we got there, we realized that Erc had taken 8 shits that day. Amazing. I know. Impressive. Indubitably.

While we waited to go out, Erc's friend Kristen joined us at my apartment. From there, we all went to Welcome To The Johnson's. I played NWA and Run-DMC on the jukebox (to right the wrong from our jukebox war from the other night).

When I went to the bar, a dude who looked like a young David Cross was having a hard time getting the bartender's attention. I told him I'd get him a beer. I got us beers and then told him, "I'll buy it for you since you remind me of comedic genius, Mr. Cross." He smiled and said "I hope not as ugly, though." We laughed, but I did not negate his fear. I ran back over to Erc & Kristen.

I don't remember what fueled it, but I laughed so hard I spat my drink back into the can. Then, that's right, I continued to consume it. Also, ET was playing on the tv in the background and we all got sucked into it.

Jeremy met up with us and we took off to another bar called Iggy's. There were SO many hipsters and most of them smelled horrid. I took a picture of this dude's back because it was all dirty (you can't really tell in the picture) and he was part of a duo that I dubbed "Team Terrible Smell." They kept bumping into people and being annoying. They bumped into Erc and she spilled some of her drink. Jeremy had to tough guy them a little bit and tell 'em to calm themselves.

At Iggy's, we took some sweet gangsta pictures with the Jesus piece - which I was fo sho wearin!

There was this Indian girl who accidentally bumped into me and after she apologized I noticed she had a huge bag with a yoga mat inside. She said she came straight from ditching a yoga class. She was nice, but extremely insecure. She kept talking to me and Jeremy and would say "I bet life is so easy for you guys, you're both so good-looking. I'm fat." I would tell her to stop. I bought her a beer. I actually really liked her and thought she was funny, but she'd revert and say really sad things. Oh well.

It was ridiculously crowded, so we all decided to walk up a few blocks to The Library. From there, we all decided to go eat Korean food. We took a cab. I was so confused. All of a sudden we were immersed in Korea Town.

I didn't even know a Korea town existed in Manhattan - let alone midtown - but it does. The food was just alright (I like Korean food, but just not the prices or the taste at this place) and my friend, Joe, met up with us. He sent me a text when he was outside that said "Motherfuck. Everything is korean here! What is this?" After we ate like beasts, Kristen made off to her apartment and Joe, Jeremy, Erc and I all decided to share a cab. We climbed into one that just pulled up. I noticed that the previous passenger got out, looked confused and started walking away. As we all piled in, the cabbie said "Hold on a second," and left us unattended in the vehicle with the engine running. Apparently the last guy didn't have money and was trying to find his friends for fare. I think he was just trying to bounce.

Regardless, we spoke of stealing the cab and then decided to just find another one. We all hopped out and got in a new one. As we entered, we were still laughing about how the cabbie ditched us in the cab. Jeremy asked our new cabbie "Hey, do these cabs have cameras in them." I laughed. "That's not a scary question for the guy or anything," I joked. Our cabbie stayed silent and I noticed he kept watching us in the backseat suspiciously.

After we dropped off Joe at Union Square, we passed Astor Place - the home of the Astor Place cube. I told Erc and Jeremy that the huge cube could actually be moved. They didn't really believe me. At the upcoming light I told the cabbie, "Don't leave me, I'll be right back!"

I ran across the street to the cube, warned some kids sitting next to it that I was going to push it, and asked them to help me start it up. They did. I did about two laps of moving the cube and then noticed the cabbie driving towards me. I let go, said bye to these random friends and hopped back into the cab.

That pretty much was the end of our night. It was fun, random and full of hijinx. Yay.

'Til later,
Tanya Lasagna

BFF Visit: Day Four

2007-11-23T15:17:00.000-05:00

I live in New York. Sometimes there are rodent "issues." Now here is a little story my BFF, Erca Whale, will not have known about until reading this blog...

My sister and I hadn't had mouse issues in our apartment for awhile. However, as Erc and I watched tv on the couch in the morning, I heard a high-pitched wailing "mousey" sound - you know, one it'd make if its body was stuck to a glue trap. Yep, that one. However, sometimes the birds that chirp outside the window sound that way. I told Erica it was birds. Erc has bad hearing anyway, so she didn't hear anything, but I raised the volume on the tv anyhow. When it was time to start the day and take showers - which I insisted she take one first - I dealt with this mouse issue. I didn't want Erc to feel gross about our apartment or uncomfortable in any way, so while she showered, I took a broom handle and kind of jimmied the trap from behind the fridge. I somehow finnagled it onto a dust pan and then dropped it into a trash bag. (I've performed this method a handful of times, but this was the most difficult, I think). I placed the trash bag outside my apartment door to take out later.

After we got ready, Erc and I left the apartment to check out Economy Candy. As I carried the trash, Erc was completely oblivious to the fact that I was carrying a dead mouse walking, figuratively. I tossed him in the trash bin outside, walked out of the building and didn't say a word. See, Erc, I love you so much I didn't want you feeling the least bit uncomfortable. I know you wouldn't really care, but if that had happened to me, I'd feel kind of gross about sleeping on the futon again...

The plan had been that we'd go grocery shopping as well and have a picnic or something somewhere. So, Erc pushed the little old lady cart that'd we'd use to transport the groceries home. I liked trying to photograph her using it. Doesn't she look like she's well on her way to becoming a bag-lady? I kid. I heart her with my whole (holed, murmured) heart. She couldn't navigate it very well. Instead of helping right away, I let her struggle because I thought it was cute and funny. Mostly, I thought it was funny...

Erc and I bought some good sweets at Economy Candy. That place has nearly any type of candy you could ever imagine. One of the most laughable finds is pictured to the right. Oh man. Why'd they have to name it that? Didn't anyone at the pitch meeting think this might sound a little pornographic?

Also, Economy Candy was publicizing in their front display that they were good samaritans who helped out communities globally. HAHAHAHA Look at this dumb picture:

After the candy shop (read like 50 cent), Erc & I decided to skip the grocery story and go to the American Museum of Natural History to check out their exhibit Mythic Creatures. We were both way excited about & had been looking forward to it for awhile. Also, I had yet to go to the AMofNH (bad Tanya) & couldn't wait to see what they had.

The exhibit, itself, was fairly fun. Griffins, hydra, pegasii, dragons!, chupacabras! It was great. At the end, you could "build" your own dragon (on a computer screen). That made me happy. I just felt a little silly when moms would ask me if I was in line, or if I was done yet (I was picking my dragons characteristics with tremendous thought) and I had to say "Yes, I'm in line" or "Sorry, not done yet" in an unembarassed manner. God, I am lame.

What made me really happy, though, was the idea of going to find the dinosaur exhibits! I think I've said it before, but I will say it again, I love dinosaurs! I want to be one when I grow up. I know a lot about them; I took a class on them in college and paid extra types of attention. Yes, I am a nerd.

The museum was smart and split up the fossils (or casts of them really) into two separate exhibits: Ornithischian and Saurischian. These were the two types of dinosaurs. (Read in nerd voice: It has to do with a few skeletal differences, mostly with a forward pointing pubis bone - ask me later if you really care to know). We decided to stumble through the Ornithischian exhibit first.

Now, Ornithiscians are not my favorites, but they are still pretty cool. While the Whales were looking at some of the fossils, a peculiar looking man was spotted. He was wearing a little cargo vest and was explaining many facts and bits of trivia to some of the patrons in the exhibit. I was listening to him and noticed that his vest had a pin on it that said "Fossil Explainer." HAHAHAHA. Really? They couldn't come up with a better name for his job?

Anyway, he's a volunteer at the AMofNH. I told Erc that I wanted to be his best friend and that she needed to take a picture of him. I initiated conversation with our dear friend. He was extremely knowledgeable. As we spoke, he stopped me during one of my questions and said "You sure know a lot about dinosaurs." Is it sad that I was secretly happy? I'm so lame. However, the most important part is that Erca Whale took two phenomenal stalker pictures of us conversing. The second one is my favorite.

Check out this funny picture of Erca Whale with her hand making a fake duckbill. She's silly.

After we perused the Ornithischian exhibit, I nearly gallavanted to the Saurischian exhibit. I was really excited because the Saurischian Exhibit would house some of my favorite dinos. As Erca and I rounded the corner to enter, we noticed there was a security guard in front of it and a strange sign out front. It was the worst sign I could have seen that day. Below is a close-up of it.

F you, private party! How do I get into such a special event? Regardless, Erc and I were super bummed because we could see some of the fossils in the entryway and they were rad. We took crappy pictures (because they were fairly far away and the flash wasn't working that well). Look at the awesome shit we were missing out on!

The security guard walked away and was talking on the phone a bit. Erica said something like "Well, I guess that's it," and in a moment of heroics and dramatics I stated something like "That's not it; I'm going to take a picture of the T-Rex!" I kept anxiously waiting for people to scurry away before the security guard got back. Unfortunately, I'm sure we looked a little suspicious and he came back to check up on things.

I asked him if I could just cross the rope a little bit to take a picture of the T-Rex. He asked me if I had ever seen The Mummy. I nodded yes and he said "Well, you know those flesh-eating bugs that swarm over you in the movie, that's exactly what happens when you cross the velvet rope. It's a bacteria, actually. It lives in there, but never crosses this line." I was laughing hysterically because the whole time he was telling us this b.s., he was texting or whatever on his phone. I shook his hand and asked for a photograph together.

Erc and I stumbled into the taxidermy area. I dunno what it's called really. There I am posing like a gangstAR with the Impala diorama. Why do gangstas always want a '64 Impala?

Here are blurry/funny pictures of Erc posing with the baboons/gorilla. (I wish it were with Julia from our zoo visit).

I saw this diorama with this funny little creature and thought it was posed in a hysterical manner. I'm pretty sure Erc thought I was nuts when I made her snap a photo of me acting like it.

Don't you see the resemblance? Anyway, Erc and I got angered because all the exhibits we wanted to go to at that point were all either closed or inaccessible. So, I took this lame photo - which I didn't mean to look like I was trying to be "bad ass" or something. I was just very frustrated and we thought it was comical, as well.

After we left the museum, Erc wanted to walk through Central Park. I kind of didn't want to. I was really tired. We walked a little bit and then I sat on a bench (like a lazy fuck) while Erc tromped around the grounds. She returned in about 20 minutes and we took the subway back to my apartment.

We rested for a bit and then made our way back towards Central Park to attend one of the lovely Miss Ari's dinner/Office Parties. (Might I add, it's so nice to have someone throw "Office Parties" - viewings of the tv show The Office. I used to do it in Santa Barbara and I like carrying on the tradition somehow).

We had a good time and Erc was a good sport because I'm not even sure if she's really into The Office - or my friends here - but she came and all that jazz.

When we got back home Erca Whale and Tanya Beluga just stayed in and read books. It was nice. We had been doing a lot since Erica landed. So, it was nice to just chillax (hahahaha) and stay in.

More later, faithful readers!
The T

BFF Visit: Day Three - Night

2007-11-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

Erc and I got ready at my place to go to meet up with Jeremy in Williamsburg. The plan was to go take Erc to a bar she read about in my blog (about the first time I went into Willy B) - the one with the mini-golf course in the back. I looked up the address, and that of Barcade. So, off we went.

When we made our way (via subway), I heard the train we needed to get on approaching the station as we took the last steps to arrive underground. We still had to swipe our Metrocards, pass the turnstiles, run down another flight of steps to get to the other side of the tracks, turn the corner below, run up the stairs to get on track level again and board the train. I knew that if I only heard the train approaching that we'd definitely have enough time to run through the maze and make it. Like I said in the first day of Erca Whale's visit, I have these ideas in my head, but don't articulate them to Erica as well as I should. In my head I was thinking "Shit, it's around 10PM. If we don't make this train, we're going to have to wait another 10-15 minutes just to catch another one and the train ride itself only takes about 10 minutes. Let's run for it; we can make it."

So, I just turn to Erica and I said something like "Hurry up; that's our train!" and took off running. She didn't know the route. She was just following me. Now keep in mind, there is no train in sight at this point.

Again, I figured I'd run full force to catch the train and hold the doors open for Erc in case she was far behind - not because she'd be slow, but just because she wouldn't know the way and would have to follow me. We were running like bats out of hell - skipping steps, keeping balanced by holding the wall as you turn past it, etc.

We literally ran into a few dudes at the bottom of the stairs (as we were rounding the corner) and one of them said "Man, they're runnin'!" Then he made a comment that Erc was a little bit behind and she said "I don't even know where I'm going!" Hahahahahaha!

Well, we made it to the train with a little time to spare before the doors closed. When we got on the train, Erica just looked at me like "WHAT. THE. FUCK. WAS. THAT?" I explained our 200 meter dash and as we both sucked air (not dong). We laughed and shook our heads in disbelief.

When we got off the train, I told Erica it would just be a 10 minute walk. Lies. I didn't want to tell her it would be like a 25-30 minute walk because I knew if I told her that up front it would make it feel like a century-long journey. So, every few blocks she'd ask "Wait, how much longer?" and I'd say "Oh, you know, just about more blocks," but then we'd keep on walking... and walking... and walking. (Here's a map of where we walked). I 'fessed up when we got there. I think she hated me a little bit.

Anyway, we got to Anytime, ate a little, and then made our way to Rosemary's - a bar Jeremy and I like to frequent often. The jukebox is great (except for one occurrence we found that night - more to come in the blog) and the price of drinks is really tolerable. Plus, it's run by this little old lady (Rosemary, duh). On the way, Jeremy and I got into a heated discussion over the social repercussions of places like Hooters or stripclubs, and we decided to squash it when we got to the bar. I desperately wanted to play a specific song on the jukebox as a joke. When I made my way to the jukebox, some chubby Jack Osbourne-looking dude stopped me.

Chubby Jack Osbourne Dude: "What songs are you gonna play?"
T-Pain: Um, I dunno yet. What does it matter?
Jack Osbourne: We just put like 25 dollars worth of songs in there and it's all really good. I wanted to make sure you wouldn't play any crappy music.
T-Pain: Oh, well, I was going to play Spice Girls and Ace of Base, oh and Kelly Clarkson.
This dude was pissing me off. He was one of those elitist hipsters with their knowledgeable and distinguished musical tastes. (Sarcasm font).
Jack Douche-bourne: [Fake laugh] Like I said, we already put tons of songs in there. Your songs might not even get heard.

I went back to the bar. I told Jeremy and Erc what happened. This is precisely why they are my friends. They both were like "Ohhhh FUCK THAT. Put money in that jukebox and pay the extra fee to bump their songs. Let's play some rap!" So, we scrounge some dollars up and I make my way back to the jukebox. A jukebox war was about to unfold.

As I searched through the lists of viable songs/artists to play, I couldn't find any rap. None. At. All. Jeremy and Erc didn't even believe me. You can (pay more to) search the internet and "download" a song to play on the jukebox and even in the internet world I could not find any rap. Lame! So, I picked the song James Brown's "It's A Man's, Man's, Man's World" to make light of the fiesty discussion I had gotten in with Jeremy. We started cracking up.

Regardless, our song war tanked and chubby Jack Osbourne got to hear his music. Well, at least my James Brown cut through their ridiculous amount of songgage. We made our way to the Bushwick Country Club - the place with the mini-golf in the back.

On our way to the subway, I told Jeremy I'd give him a piggy back ride - which I can do, cuz I have thighs like tree trunks (which is not sexy at all). However, I told Jeremy he HAD to jump off of my back when I was tired. Usually he doesn't and at certain times I've had to bash him against a wall so that he'll let go. Anyway, he told me to try and do squats while I carried him.

I tried.

I failed.

When we got to the subway station, Jeremy returned the favor. He kept squatting, too. The face he's making in the picture makes him look like he's pooping.

The subway stop left us near Barcade. We stepped in. The drinks are too pricey but it's a bar + an arcade. Hence, barcade. So, for a quarter (sometimes more), you can play all these awesome old games like Contra or Rampage. Erc mostly loved the place because they sold beef jerky, and really, who loves beef jerky more than Erca Whale? (I actually bought her some for her birthday one year - speaking of which Happy Belated Birthday, Whale! Did you get my present yet? Oh, no? Oh, right, that's because I still haven't mailed it. I suck. You too, Hilo. God, I'm terrible).

We made our way to the Country Club. They had Jim Beam slushees there - and they were actually really good! Erica and I kept sharing them, but I think we might as well have just gotten our own; we both beasted them down. Yep, beasted. We were beastin'!

We tried going outside to play mini-golf, but everybody was out there giving us shitty looks because we're not hipsters (and they are/were) and wouldn't move so that we could play. We went back indoors. Erc and I don't have many pictures together. So, we tried to alleviate this problem.(By the way, I have to apologize that a lot of the pictures on BFF Visit blogs have been of myself, but Erc hates letting me snap pictures of her sweet, succulent smile - maybe because I describe it as such).

Usually when I get my picture taken, I do a big or weird smile and Erc sticks out her tongue or doesn't smile. So, true to ourselves, we took the first in said manner. Then we laughed at each other's idiocy and mocked each other in the subsequent shot.

We took a few other shots. I hate most of these, but Erc looks precious and I wanted the internet world to see her.

Jeremy sequestered the camera and took a weird photo of his eyeball area that creeped us all out. Why you creepin', Conley?

Check us out making dumb faces below.

Erc and I then took a few pictorials in the (get ready for it, Bee) photobooth. While we waited for them to develop, we had some more slushee and helped ourselves to the snacks at the bar. As always, there were some "neckers" (which could sound really funny - and mean something completely different - in a Southern accent) at the bar. They were really playing tonsil hockey. Of course, I asked Erc to follow me with her camera.

I posed with them while they didn't notice. Then, what with the flash and all, they totally noticed me and I said something like "Oh don't mind me or the entire bar, just keep making out." They did.

I went to the men's bathroom ('cause I have a huge hog) and saw the "dirt graffitti" to the right. Rad, huh? Anyway, that was pretty much our night. I just didn't want to put this all together on the Day 3 blog. I hope you kids enjoyed the long and thorough posts about The Whales third day together.

Later homies,
Tanya Lasagna

BFF Visit: Day Three - Day

2007-11-21T21:29:00.000-05:00

This will be a loooong post. You've been warned.

I may have mentioned this before, but on Wednesdays the Bronx Zoo's admission is free/by donation only. Erca Whale and I obviously made our way there. We left for our zoo excursion at 12:15PM and got there at 1:40PM. We were like excited little children. I love zoos especially the Bronx Zoo. Erica and I made it a point to find the Gorillas (rad), Giraffes (my favorites) and Penguins (her favorites).

Hey, let's make this an interactive blog, shall we? Here is a map of the zoo. Open it in a different browser window and follow our journey...

We entered through the Asia Gate and passed the Camels (toe). From there we walked towards and past the African Plains. As we reached the Somba Village, we decided to walk towards the Baboon Reserve.

While watching the baboons, these two little kids came running towards the fence we were watching from. They were loud and a little obnoxious, but hey, kids (and I) can be that way when they (I) get excited. Their older siblings (whom were acting as chaperones) noticed how annoying they possibly were and stated "Guys, you have to be quiet. Baboons eat children. Ask that lady next to you." The two little boys looked at me horrified. "Do they?" Erica and I smiled. I wanted to say "No, they don't" but I didn't want to derail the older sister's tactics. So, I just kind of giggled with the Whale (yes, giggled) and shook my head a little bit at the boys.

I love primates! I like animals, in general, and I know way too much about them. I'm a really big nerd with stuff like that. So, Erca Whale and I made our way past the giraffes and into the Congo Gorilla Forest. When Erc and I entered, we were face-to-face with the Colobus monkeys. We were dying because Erc said it looked like he was wearing a little hat! AHAHAHA I've always thought that. Look at his dumb Russian-looking "hat!" It's so silly. I love it.

Also, because I love my Mega Day, I've gotten really into Okapis. There's a picture of one below. It's blurry 'cause it kept hiding and running away from us Whales, but we caught him on film!! Doesn't the okapi look ethereal? It looks like a mix between a zebra and a horse, but believe it or not, it's closest living relative is the giraffe. I told Mega Day that that is why we get along so well.

After that, we made our way to try and find Julia at the Gorilla Forest. Now, Julia is a special gorilla to me. I "met" her on my first visit to the zoo. I told Erc all about her and we both couldn't wait to find her. On our voyage to see her, we saw this informational display to the right. It's actually really terrible - poachers kill gorillas and decapitate them for show. Erca Whale and Tanya Beluga thought this looked really silly. We looked like sick fucks because we were trying to take pictures, but also not look like we were, and the flash kept fucking up, so we had to take multiple shots and keep changing the cameras settings. (PS. Most ungrammatical sentence ever).

We finally rounded the corner in the Congo Gorilla Forest to the gorilla habitats. We saw some precious lil bebes "fighting" & chasing each other. Aside: Might I add, people are really rude. Some adults were all up on the looking glass and pounding on it as a gorilla was sitting just on the other side. Umm, one: make room for the little kids/short Tanyas that can't see over your dumb head, and two: gorillas/most animals don't like you tapping on a glass five inches from their heads! Idiots. As we went through this little corridor where most people don't bother to look at gorillas from, I knew we'd come face to face with

Julia!

Look at how statuesque she looks! I want to be her handler! Anyway, Julia did her awesome trick where she tips herself forward (so she almost looks like she's doing a headstand), sits back upright and then vomits food into her hand. Then, to the horror of most onlookers (and merriment of myself and Erica) will eat her vomit out of her palm and then repeat this cycle. Also, Julia likes to stick her tongue out at you whenever she deems it necessary. This is why I love Julia. It was hard to photograph her in the process of either puking or sticking her tongue out, but here's the best evidence the Whale and I could conjure up for you:

After the western lowland gorilla show, we made the trek across the zoo to the Aquatic Bird House - home of the Penguins. Erc was really happy. On our way, we stopped at the Bronx Zoo Store and she bought a little penguin snowglobe. I bought some sweet ass shirts: One of giraffes and the other of two baby gorillas wrasslin'.

When we finally got to the damned Aquatic Bird House, it had been a long walk; our feet were tired, but Erc really wanted to see los penguinos. So, by the time we finally get there - and neglected half of the other shit along the way - we noticed a sign that said the goddamned thing was closed!

Erica was SO bummed and, of course, I thought this was hysterical. You've seen the map! It was a damn odyssey in getting there - only to find out it was shut down!! Erc was (jokingly) pretending to wail and scream. It was hysterical. Pictures of me laughing at and mocking Erica can be found below:

As Erica literally crawled toward the entrance, crying "Why?! Why?! WHY?!" (in a near Nancy Kerrigan impression), I took a picture because I am a jerk. However, as she crawled and I followed, I jokingly said "F it, let's go in anyway." When we reached the door, we made a serendipitous discovery. (Read the sign for said "serendipitous discovery," Faithful Reader...)

Erica was instantly elated and we made our way to see her little baby penguins. They were kind of unimpressive, I'm not gonna lie about it... Well, we were pretty much done at the zoo, but we wanted to ride the Skyfari. First of all, here's the thing, like I've stated before in Bee's Visit, I'm slightly afraid of heights. Go ahead and think I'm a puss; I could give a shiite. Regardless, I didn't think the Skyfari would be too bad. Boy, was I wrong. And I wasn't the only one to think so!

First off, all you could really see from the gondolas were the parking lots and tiny, tiny, tiny images of the animals. It kind of blew. However, the worst part was that the gondola would kind of swing in the wind in a really creepy way. Also, at the points where the cables connected overhead to the tall poles that held them up, a really scary drop was felt in the gondola and Erica and I were equally worried we'd fall to our deaths. She took some pictures of me that I feel portray me "enjoying" the Skyfari ride pretty accurately. I like the half-smile, half-oh-shit-we're gonna-die look...

When we were finally done with the zoo, Erc and I rode the train to Times Square and then to the Top of the Rock - which I prefer more than the Empire State Building for a few reasons. One: The line is less dense/long. Two: You can see the Empire State Building in Manhattan's skyline while atop the Top of the Rock.

Anyway, after seeing these sights, we went back to my apartment and got ready for a night out on the town...

This post would have been wayyy too long if I hadn't broken it up into "Day" and "Night." You're welcome. I know you care. (Sarcasm font).

More soon,
The T(-Rex)

BFF Visit: Day Two

2007-11-20T22:05:00.000-05:00

Erca Whale and I got up and out of the apartment RIDICULOUSLY late this day. We didn't get a move on until 3PM. We went to Chinatown so Erc could buy some shirts. Because of the time, on the train ride there, there were tons of kids/pre-teens around. All of a sudden one of them near us smelled her friend and said "You smell like straight-up pussy!" Erca Whale and Tanya Beluga were DYING. I laughed so hard. I dunno why. It was hilarious to us.

When we set foot onto the smelly streets that are Chinatown, I instantly remembered how much I love to haggle. I bought a ton of worthless shit that I don't really need, but felt justified in buying it because I had haggled the prices so low. At one point I haggled a figurine of a giraffe (don't ask) down to $5 and then paid with a $20. The vendor got all pissy, "You said you didn't have that much money." "No," I retorted, "I said I WOULDN'T spend much money on THAT." Man, I'm more and more like my dad. I'm even getting a thick moustache.

Erc and I ate at a Vietnamese restaurant that I like to frequent. After that we went back to the apartment and got ready to meet up with some other kids. Ari, plus the two friends she had in town (which one of them, crazily enough, I had a class with back in SB), Jeremy and my sister. We were all going to Sweet (a comedy show I go to lots). The show was fun. I ran into some comedy friends.

Afterwards, Jeremy, Erc and I all went to get a slice. The pizza dude was the meanest human being on the planet. I don't know what his deal was but he was just a rude sonofabitch. Whatever. When I meet people that mean, I try and give them the benefit of the doubt that they're just having a bad day. So, I tried talking to him a little and he seemed alright, but still. Kind of a dick.

Jeremy went back to Willy B while Erca Whale and I made our way to the Essex Ale House. Apparently they had just opened under new management and the bartender was nice, but really bad at pouring beers. Also, she didn't know any of the prices of anything - even though they were clearly written on the wall. The jukebox kind of sucked, but we played it anyway, and we were just about the only people there...

I kept taking pictures of what I'd look like with a beard/mustache, but I just looked like I had on a chin strap:

Here's Erc working the jukebox...
Anyway, after that we went back to Piano's for some serious Guitar Hero competition. (The first time I went was during Bee's visit). It was way fun. To continue the tradition Jeremy and I set the first time, I would sporadically request which song to play next by obnoxiously yelling "Holy Diver! Play Holy Diver!"

Finally, the MC yelled, "Who are you Ronnie Dio's sister?" I laughed and clapped (like a little retard) and then he said "C'mon, Ronnie Dio's sister. Come play 'Holy Diver.'" I said something to the effect of "Only if I play you," and he responded with "NO! I'LL play YOU." What a bad ass answer.

So, he and I played. I was fairly awful. It was the first time I had ever played. Erca Whale and Tanya Beluga battled; we were both bad. Erc took some pictures of me having fun (but sucking terribly) against the MC - I forget his name. I should go back and challenge him next Tuesday...

Afterwards, we made our way back to my apartment to sleep. I forced Erica to sleep in my bed with me and then we cracked up about how fake gay we are, but how far apart we actually slept in the bed. I love that little monkey.

More to follow,
Tanya Lasagna

BFF Visit: Day One

2007-11-19T15:45:00.000-05:00

I started blogging about this nearly a month ago and then got sidetracked. With what, I don't even really know, but here we go...

Erca Whale (whom I've many a time brought up - and whose white ass leg is pictured above next to mine) came to visit me in mid-September. She came for a whole week. It was really fun. I picked her up from the airport and could not stop smiling on my way to pick her up. We're so fake gay for each other. I was honestly counting down the days, then the hours, then the minutes until I saw her cute lil face.

The pick-up was a little awkward. Finding her, I mean. I gave her a big hug when I saw my BFF and then we had to dart off to my work. It didn't take too long because of rush-hour (and seeing how the trains run so quickly during it); we got there right on time. Here was our route. I kept darting from and to trains while Erica lugged her shit behind me. I felt bad, but my logic was that I would dart to the approaching train before it took off, and hold the doors open for her until she made it in. However, I wasn't very good at communicating this plan and Erica probably just kept thinking I was running away from her or being inconsiderate. HAHA Oh, fun!

Anyway, the show was alright. Afterwards, Erica and I went and dropped her stuff off at my apartment and headed off to Piano's - which I might add, was really loud. After Piano's we were hungry again and decided to hit up the fake Gray's Papaya right by me. We ate like beasts. I think we both had two chili dogs and then headed off to bed.

It wasn't a tremendously note-worthy day we spent - seeing as though I had to work and such - but it was really great to have the Whale in cheek-pinching range.

More later,
The T

A Long (Over-Due) Tribute

2007-10-22T12:13:00.000-04:00

I love my sister. I moved to New York because she proposed the idea. She's a brave little toaster. We've lived apart for at least seven years of our lives (she went to college, I went to college, she moved to Mexico, etc). I was telling her today that I am disgusting. She agreed. She told me I should re-read all the comments I've posted on her MySpace page. I did. I will share most of them with you here. This is how I say "I love you" and "You're a great big sister," apparently...

Aug 27, 2005 4:16 PM
um, hello. you are grand...of course you are, idiot, you are related to me. speaking of idiot, i like the incorrect grammatical punctuation I have used. Quit talking about my mammaries on the internet. you werent complaining when they were in your mouth! JEW LIKEDED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aug 30, 2005 1:42 PM
Remember when my fart penetrated your anushole?! hahah i do. Do i have to become a registered sex offender now? that would be kinda cool.
Aug 31, 2005 11:58 AM
Vanessa, why and when did we stop having sex? Incest is best!
Sep 4, 2005 3:57 PM
My sister is a great person and a lovely human being...

FOR ME TO POOP ON!
Sep 26, 2005 11:43 AM
I love my sister...especially when she tickles my Puhgina.
Oct 2, 2005 10:23 AM
My sister is the brave little toaster. I'm going to miss you when you leave for Meh-Hee-Co. See, I am actually being nice and un-perverted. Weird...
Nov 3, 2005 5:23 PM
I miss my sissy pot pie...

...YOU BETTER BE READY TO MAKE ME THANKSGIVING DINNER WHEN I VISIT YOU, BITCH! I mean, I love you.
Nov 5, 2005 11:37 AM
Lately, Vanessita's been all about the rape threats. I like it.
Nov 18, 2005 6:32 PM
I can't wait to see you, you stupid bitch!

I mean....yeah, read above.
Dec 2, 2005 8:52 PM
Vanessa, I love you and I miss you a lot more than you miss me, you idiot.

Will Ferrell = death
Dec 5, 2005 11:49 PM
...I just popped what I thought to be a small zit. BOY, WAS I WRONG! It was on my chin. It appeared to be a small little thing, but it hurt like the dickens. When I applied force with my two pointer-fingers' nails, it released a confetti of the longest white, strung-together hard yet fluid puss I have ever seen! It was like when you have those tiny, fake, plastic champagne bottles for New Years that you hold upside down and pull the string...Then out pops the coiled streams of paper. Just like that. It was mega ultra full too. I had to keep squeezing til my fingers hurt. I think there still might actually be puss residue inside that little abyss. He proved to be a worthy adversary. I congratulate him. I bid you adieu.
Dec 18, 2005 11:42 AM
I miss you. I cant wait to see you, you silly little queef!
Jan 4, 2006 11:41 AM
I miss you. Now come unpack my shit. I'll give you a dollar.
Jan 7, 2006 7:30 PM
I was going to write something here. Then I forgot what it was. Oh well.

I NEARLY sharted today, but I pinched my sphincter closed, then went to the john. It was fun.
Jan 13, 2006 9:34 AM
I miss you more than I miss my penis.
Jan 26, 2006 2:13 PM
I died laughing with the past three comments. I've resurrected and have to say...
Feb 14, 2006 4:41 PM
Happy V-Day from the bitch who loves you the most! By V-Day I mean vagina day.

Call me again soon. I miss you...and my chonies get wet when i hear your voice. hahaha
Feb 17, 2006 3:06 PM
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDIOT! I didnt do anyhting on V-Day, I'll have you know. I was as sick as a somalian newborn with HIV. No, I didnt watch the L-word, you faaawking moronitic. I watched Farenheit 9/11 and watched Sam study for a midterm. Then we sipped tea...cuz we're fuckin lame. Then I had fever dreams about weird stuff that I can't remember...but i have a vague recollection of you being there and it was soft. It was artistic. It was sensual...and when I woke up, my chonies were crusty from the wetness they endured.
Apr 21, 2006 12:39 AM
Your picture makes it look like you and David Wain are an item, but a very unhappy one - look at his serious face. I bet he beats you. Don't let him; you're better than that.
May 7, 2006 1:17 PM
Vanqueefa!
It was so good to talk to you yesterday! I lobe jew so much. Come back to America, my little coochiefart.
May 13, 2006 1:35 AM
I wish you lived in the continental united states so I could call you. By the way, Lisa has the greatest posts ever.

May 22, 2006 5:22 PM
I miss you. I love you. I want to rape you.
Jul 6, 2006 4:30 PM
I miss you, big sissy. Yeah, you heard me. You big sissy!!

Once again, my sister, the brave little toaster moves to a foreign land. This time this foreign land consists of jews and hot dogs. What will the jews do with such a pork byproduct?! Stay tuned for the Adventures of Vanessita in Nova Iorque!!!

Jul 20, 2006 11:33 PM
I missed your call tonight cuz I'm a jerkasaurus rex. However, I am not extinct. You may not use me as fossil fuel. As a matter of fact, you should really try and find some alternative energy sources. Pass that along. Thanks.

This public service announcement was provided by "Tanya was trying to be funny and it just turned out to be lame and/or weird, Inc."
Jul 30, 2006 1:44 AM
Vanessita! Mom told me what happened! Do you have my phone number? I hate that criminal. When I move to NYC, I'm gonna hunt him down and mug him. Then, I'll punch him in the labias. Are jew okay? Olive juice.
Aug 6, 2006 2:38 AM
Nechita,
It is imperative that I tell you this:

))<>((

Please tell me you remember that from "Me and You and Everyone We Know"

"Back and forth." Hot.
Nov 4, 2006 11:37 PM
The world should know that at a comedy club a comedian specifically addressed Vanessa in the middle of his set. He said "You look like the quiet one of the bunch. You got dat look dat sez you'll burn my house down if I forget yo' birfday. You got that Carrie look in yo' eyeZ." HA! Priceless.
Nov 26, 2006 1:03 PM
I want to dance like this for you:

Just let me know when and I shall.
Dec 11, 2006 12:41 AM
1. In regards to Hector's comment: I want to find out where his X-Mas party is so I can show up and punch his vadge again. Oh man. That would be so great.
2. The poster of "The Kiss" is my ultimate worst nemesis. I saw that thing in roughly 90% of all lame shitty people's homes in Slutta Boobra. Ugh. AND it was made by some girl named Tanya. What a twatsicle.
3. I want to hump you til it hurts or until I go raw...although I imagine those two will probably occur simultaneously.
4. In reference to No. 3: I'm dead serious.

Love,
Your sister
Mar 9, 2007 2:58 PM
I can't wait for you, me and mom to have a threesome tomorrow!
Mar 19, 2007 11:08 PM
Man, mom got so mad when you would call that stripper all the time from the house. The phone bill was outrageous!

PS. COME FEEL MY BONER! It's pulsating!
Aug 20, 2007 2:41 PM
Awww, you cutesters are weird. You love me BOTH more than I would EVER love you two - combined.

SIKE. I miss you guys. I hope Brazil is nice and hot - and I don't mean your sex lives. Dad's a married man. Leave him alone.

BY THE WAY, The King of Kong is open in New York already. I was going to watch it tonight, but I just realized I saw Superbad without you already and I'll wait 'til you come back! now THAT'S love.
Aug 26, 2007 4:17 PM
I'm pooping right now and wearing your bathrobe. I just lifted the back of it over my butt and am letting it rest on the back of the toilet.

Sucka.
Oct 16, 2007 1:50 PM
I miss pounching yair crasssch. I can't wait 'til you come home. I'll be waiting behind your door. Then, BLAM-O, BIATCH!

As you can tell, I love my sister a bunch -- in that creepy, pervvy kind of way.

Pop! Goes The Weasel Pigeon

2007-10-18T16:18:00.000-04:00

Rats with wings. I hate them -- but do you know what I hate even more? This occurrence that happened to me today. Now, normally, I would think this was hilarious. Normally. However, I did not. Here's why:

1. It was just too graphic.
2. I was chewing gum - which was almost like eating while it happened.
3. I kept thinking about it as I walked away and chewed my gum.
4. I kept thinking about it as I ate my sandwich later.
5. It made me feel like ralfing.

As I walked out of my apartment today, I tried to cross the street. I had my headphones in and saw that a truck was slowly rolling towards me. I stopped (in between two parked cars) and waited for it to pass. As it rolled through, I heard a loud POP! and immediately assumed a tire was the victim. I looked down past my flip-flops assuming I'd see a nail, broken glass, etc... Instead I saw a horrific feat!

As the pop rang in my ears, I looked down (within milliseconds of hearing said noise) and saw a pigeon, in "seated"/resting position get run over by the truck's back passenger side wheel. It was not more than 5 feet from me. As it popped, the pigeon's torso erupted with a volcanic burst of blood that must have shot at least a foot in the air! It gushed up and towards my bare feet. I strategically stood in the flamingo stance and removed at least on foot from danger. Had I not moved it, it would have been slathered in pigeon blood! UGH!

I just stared at its corpse, horrified. As I looked up, a bunch of people had turned around (the sound was that loud) and stared at me empathetically. Everyone had that grossed out/disgusted face. You know which one I am talking about:

I nonchalantly stepped away from its lifeless body, continued my walk to the bank, called Hilo, mass-text-messaged people, and have remained extremely scarred ever since. Yet, it didn't stop me in returning back to the scene of the crime and taking a picture before I went upstairs. Ugh. I'd say enjoy, but you won't. At this point, the corpse was moved farther into the street and had been run over quite a few times:

Sorry, friends. I just couldn't bare this alone. Please forgive me...

Disgusted,
The T

**UPDATE**

I've decided to include some great responses from the mass-text-message I sent out:

Me: Ugh. I just ended up 5 feet away from a truck running over a pigeon. It made a popping sound & blood squirted out like a volcano! It almost bled on my feet!
Zach: Haha, I just got a boner...I mean 6 boners!
Denise: Only this would happen to you!
Brando: Gross cool sad n awsome
Hitler: Like a road pimple
KT, feigning Japanese accent: HORRY SMOK!
Jeremy: wtf? just terrible.

Also, this whole ordeal reminded me of something I gawked at during my Chicago visit:

Goodbye, Again

2007-10-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

It's been two years since Manni has passed. It's so strange; the length of his death has lasted longer than how long I had previously known him. I only knew Manni for just a few months shy of a year, but he touched me so deeply that I will, honestly, always remember him and feel very strongly about what a great human being he was. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. Actually, I tend to think of him whenever I see people on motorcycles, or when I talk about philosophy, or when I read a great book, or hear people speaking German.

Manni, I miss you, kid. I remember the tender communication we used to have. I remember the funny moments, the sad ones. I came-of-age shortly thereafter our brief relationship. I do have to thank you for that. Knowing you helped me grow up. I hope you know that I ended things because I was too immature to tell you that I was falling in love, and that it terrified me. I'm sorry. Whether it meant much to you, it meant the world to me, and it's helped transform me into the truly (openly-)sentient being I have become. Thank you for your presence in my life.

I will never, ever forget the goodness in your heart and the times we shared together; although they were brief, they've helped shape me into the woman I am today - and I am very proud of who and where I am. Thank you, big guy. 'Til later. See you when the timing's right.

Be good to each other, friends. Be aware. Be loving. Don't hold back. Take it from me, it's not worth it...

Lots of love,
Tanya to the E.

PS. First Anniversary of Stahl's Passing
Manni's (would-be) 23rd Birthday

My One Year Blogiversary!

2007-10-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

Hey, kids! It's official! A year ago today I started my blog. Thank you to all for reading. It started out just to keep you updated on my life in NYC and allow me to relay funny stories to you. However, sometimes my blog takes a serious turn. Oh well. I'll post more funny quips and short stories as the blog continues. As for now, I just want to say I hope you guys enjoy reading. I may start a weekly segment where my sister's friend, Lisa (whom I've blogged about in Sacramento Visit), mails me weird food items from her local 99-cent store and my palate endures/critiques them. Regardless, let me know if you can think of anything funny you'd want to read about...

As for now, I'll just leave you with this Year-In-Review Photo Recap. Also, for awhile, I have listed my favorite blog entries to the left. Go check out how funny I am! Don't you remember how funny I am? Don't forget, okay?! (Sarcasm font).

Enjoy...

October 2006:

November 2006:

December 2007:

January 2007:

February 2007:

March 2007:

April 2007:

May 2007:

June 2007:

July 2007:

August 2007:

September 2007:

October 2007:

Lil Gup out.

One Year Anniversary

2007-10-03T23:41:00.000-04:00

Reflection. I think that's what most of my life has been. Always trying to figure out where I've been, what I've done, why I do it, etc. It's been a year since the red-eye dropped me off at JFK. Luggage and father in tow. I remember sitting on my new bed a few days later, telling my father I kind of wanted to go back with him. I admitted my insecurities: I was afraid. I didn't want to be a "failure," I said. I missed Sam. I missed comfort. I missed home. I missed knowing who I was...

But, friends, this is who I am. Like most people, I am evolving. I like it, but it's hard.as.fuck. To consistently look at yourself from the outside and see your faults, see what you want and see what you must change to get there, it's frightening. But this is me. I always want to step out of my comfort zones. Well, I don't usually want to, I just feel that it's best for me and/or that I should.

Overall, I like New York. I'm so glad I moved here. Sure, sometimes I get nostalgic, but I know that realistically, my life is much better than it would have been if I had stayed in Santa Barbara. I've accomplished so much here - even though sometimes I don't think I have. But, hey, I'm 23, I'm working in the industry I definitely see myself in for the long haul, I am cultivating a few new friendhips that I see as imperative to my life right now (mostly with this lil lady named Ariane), I am taking a certain dude-time-out to see what I really want from relationships, and I really know how to navigate myself around here.

However, there are still a few things that I haven't accomplished:

1. gotten a writing gig
2. dabbled farther in the boxing ring
3. discovered every little neighborhood/borough

I kind of feel like I'm back in the same position I was when I first got here - fresh out of a "break up," wondering what I want to do next, wondering who I want to shape myself into and somewhat wondering if I've made the right decision in staying. I have. I'm glad. Sometimes this place can bum me out, but I like it so much here and I've had amazing sights and times. Besides, for what other reason would I have a blog?

Today, I ran a few errands, got my eyebrows did, met Ariane at Union Square to watch The Darjeeling Limited and have dinner accompanied by another one of our amazing conversations. I like her lots and I couldn't have asked for another friend in this city that I'd want to be with tonight... See, look how much I like that lady!

Thank you to anyone and everyone who has visited or in some other fashion helped welcome me and situate me in this city. I really appreciate all of you and our friendships - no matter how recent, lengthy or far away. Take care, kids. Thanks for taking part in this journey with me.

Your protagonist,
Lil Gup

PS. Today, as I walked by some urban gangstas, one called out "Yo showdy, you gotz a big dumper for a lil girl!" I laughed a lot. Oh, New York.

Happy Birthday, Jess!

2007-10-01T14:29:00.000-04:00

Today is Hilo Monster's birthday!

Hilo is a really great kid. I really love her. She's one of those friends that is seriously there for you. She has amazing insight on things and tries to provide, but not push, different avenues of thought. She really does mean a lot to me. Plus, she's hilarious and did I mention ridiculously good-looking? Suckers. Hilo's rad and she's my friend. I win.

I hope this birthday brings her lots of love, laughter and memories. I mostly hope that this year brings her those three things and thriving friendships, safety and great health -- but after the year is up, I could care less. SIKE! Now here is a little photo compilation to commemorate her life and, overall, (beautifully hysterical) zaniness:

And a picture to prove our friendship...

Well, Hilo, have a great birthday! You're a great friend and I love you so much. Smile today 'cause you're great!

Yesteryear

2007-09-24T11:53:00.000-04:00

Around This Time Last Year...

-I was finishing up my LSAT classes and had signed up for the test.
-I was trying to get as much time with people in California as I possibly could.
-I was breaking up with the only boy I'd ever said I-Love-You to.
-I was getting scared of moving to New York City.
-I was getting excited to move to a place where drinking wasn't the only enticing form of hanging out.
-I was just starting to cultivate a close friendship with the beautiful Jess Hilo.
-I was having a Goodbye Party and kept saying "I don't know if we'll ever see each other again..."
-I was spending every possible moment with Sam.
-I was pinballing between crying and smiling about my decision to move.
-I was preemptively missing my coach and feeling awkward about telling him how much he meant to me.
-I knew nothing was left for me in Santa Barbara anymore.
-I knew that if I wanted to grow, New York would pull me away from all my comfort zones.
-I knew I would miss people tremendously.
-I was packing up all my belongings and getting ready to move back home for a week.
-I was telling Sam, in earnest, that this would be good for us; that we'd be able to work on just being really good friends.
-I was telling myself, in earnest, that I might be making a mistake in moving.
-I knew the move would be tough, but that in the long run I would never regret it.
-I didn't know how great this move would be for me.
-I didn't know how proud of myself I'd be for all that I've accomplished here.
-I didn't know how naked and lonely I'd feel months into moving here.
-I didn't know how euphoric it'd feel when I overcame that.
-I wondered how long I'd stay.

Well, friends, despite some ups-and-downs, New York City has been a great friend to me -- one that taught me a lot about myself and others. One that taught me how to be completely vulnerable one day and feel tremendously safe and secure the next. One that taught me that life isn't that hard and it's not always fair, but it's workable. New York City has been smart and showed me how to navigate in a labyrinth - only to realize nothing is ever as hard as it seems (in retrospect).

My One-Year Anniversary is coming up. I'm going to take myself out to a nice dinner. I'm going to walk myself through a park or two. I'm going to call the people who helped me most during my move. Maybe I'll have a get-together with friends. Who knows? What I do know, is that it makes perfect sense that my ridiculously beautiful friend Erca Whale is coming to visit today and staying for a week. I have a life here now, but people in California are still a part of it. When she heard I won't be coming back to California anytime in the next few months, she booked a ticket to see me. I think she's the first person to come visit just to see me - no desire to see certain attractions, no work-related trips, she just wanted to see the T. That's (one of the superfluous amount of reasons) why I love her so much. I can't wait to go pick her up at the airport in the next few hours...

Well, be good to yourself, friends. Give yourselves a hug and a pat on the back. Look into the mirror today and say something nice. Smile at your reflection.

Thanks for being you, you! I love you lots.

Happily,
The T

TMC: Final Thoughts

2007-09-19T15:09:00.000-04:00

Like my Springer reference in the title? No, I won't be smashing chairs on a cheatin-tranny's face...

I am done with the Master Cleanse. I'm not sure if I would recommend it to people or not. I felt like I detoxed, but at the same time, I can't see the inside of my organs. I've kept weight off - but I think it has more to do with the fact that I eat less and what I do eat is way more healthy than before I cleansed.

I saved a lot of money not eating, though! I also tried taking buses or the subway more (from work) so that I could save on cab fare as well. One night it was so pretty out (and I got out fairly early) that I walked from 78th and Broadway to 56th and 2nd Ave to catch the bus that would take me closest to my apartment. It was a RIDICULOUSLY long walk, but I enjoyed it. However, I got off of work at around 11:30 and got home at 1AM. Oh well.

The Master Cleanse did me well and I feel as though it detoxed some emotional junk as well. I feel way healthier and better about myself. It helped me remember that I am a very decisive person and when I put my mind to something I can do it...

I hope I continue to eat in a healthy manner. Also, I want to thank all you kids for helping me out. You were awesome! Oh, and good thing I dropped some weight - my dresses finally came from Nicaragua and they fit really well.

Lots of love,
T Money

TMC: Day Nine

2007-09-14T16:18:00.000-04:00

My pants fit better. I can tell I've lost weight. A few people have commented, but I think they are just being nice; I pretty much look the same... Whatever. I tried having a "real" breakfast this morning. Water, carrot/orange/apple juice blend, two scrambled eggs, wheat toast, bacon and sliced tomatoes - instead of homefries. The bacon kind of made me feel ill - as did the eggs. The tomatoes, toast and juice were BOMB though.

I had a really great lunch: green & mint iced tea blend, a salad with: kale, lettuce, walnuts, crumbled cheese, grapes, onions, tomatoes and slight vinegrette. Delicious.

I went to work and had a pretty good night. No pizza/grease/shit like that. I ordered a cobb salad (sans the chicken and dressing) and barely ate the bacon -- made me kind of ill. I drank lots of water. Things have been pretty good.

I met up with some friends at a bar later that night and had 2 cups of water. Radical.

On my way home, I stopped by this new cuban sandwich shop. So cheap and good. Listen the sandwich I made them make me: raisin bread, cucumbers, corn, lettuce and walnuts. AND I LOVED IT. Weird, huh?

Things have been going really well, friends. I'm really proud of myself. I like this new leaf I've turned.

Hearts & farts,
Tanya Lady

PS. My teeth feel way better. Maybe because I'm not drinking sugar and citrus juice ALL day. Sweet -- oh wait, or not...

TMC: Day Eight

2007-09-13T16:03:00.000-04:00

I feel great, guys! Man! My pants are fitting better than ever and I really feel more energetic. This OJ/soup biz is really working well. This morning I "ate" lunch with the wonderful Ariane and her friend. Ari just moved (back) to the city and I was really fortunate to make friends with her here. I had a full pot of "liver cleanse" tea and soy oatmeal with walnuts. Sounds not so appetizing, but I was really looking forward to it - and it was great. We ate at teaNY; it's this rad place that used to be owned by Moby - now it's just owned by his ex-lady. Anyway, it's great: healthy, tasty, vegan-friendly.

It's really strange now. I know I have to baby my stomach and such, but my body really only wants to eat healthy things. Please believe, I will not become a vAgetarian or anything, but for now I'm happy doing such. I'm kind of scared to get my protein from meat right now -- that sounded awful.

Tonight I ate (with Ariane & some other friends) at a Thai place called Spice near Union Square. AMAZING. I had chamomile tea, a soup and a small salad.

One thing is for sure, though. Yeah, I used to be a slow eater before, but this is ridiculous! I have this ubiquitous amount of space for liquids now, but very limited space for solids. So, when I eat, I feel like I have to chew lots and take my time.

I met up with some friends tonight and Willy B and went to a bar. However, I opted for water. I kind of like this whole thing. I feel way healthier and it gives me more of a solid refusal for alcohol - which people don't question as much. Plus, like I said, my energy is really good - considering that I haven't really had solid food until tonight. (If you consider a small salad solid food).

However, I haven't pooped since the morning of Day Seven because I have stopped using the laxative tea. I mean, it makes sense. I've been consuming liquids - with bits of food in it.

Poop's a big part of my life. What if I never poop again?!?! Half of conversation will be erased and I'll have to adopt some type of "personality" - whatever that is. This could be disastrous!!

Suddenly troubled,
Tanya

TMC: Day Seven

2007-09-12T15:55:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start ending the fast. Not because I can't handle it anymore, but because my body has seemed to detox so well that my "toxic" white, chalky tongue is flushing back to it's pink normal state and I'm craving really healthy foods (i.e. cucumber sandwiches and a myriad of teas). Also, I've lost 7 pounds and the enamel on my teeth is starting to thin. I think it's time to be smart. I've fasted for a complete 7 days - and with coming off the detox, it'll be another 2 or 3. So, why reach this weird obligatory 10-day mark when I'm accomplished what I already wanted to?

Coming off the fast correctly will be very important now. I must only drink freshly squeezed orange juice for today. I will have vegetable soup tonight. Only about a half cup though. I am planning on having some soup tonight at a Thai restaurant. They make great soups. The Essex Market (right by my apt) will prove to be very beneficial to me - it's like an indoor farmer's market. I've already stocked up on some OJ from them. That's where I'll be buying my veggie soup, too.

Wish me luck with the re-toxing. You guys are rad.

-T

PS. Thanks to Mega who sent me a rad gift during my fast. It made me smile and kept my thoughts off of how hungry I was.

TMC: Day Six

2007-09-11T16:01:00.000-04:00

Last night/early this morning my stomach was hurting. I think it's 'cause the laxative tea works so quickly now (since I have nothing in me, really) and creates a lot of gurgling in my intestinal tract. I had to massage and knead my ol' potbelly - which might I add, is really soft and empty feeling. I feel doughy-er than ever. I feel like the fat on my body is so empty that I could just grab it and pull it off. Weird.

I woke up with some bad stomach pain, but I massaged and sat on the can. I've read that every symptom of detox should leave with the next day's eliminations. They pretty much have. However, I am SO bored.

This cleanse is so mundane. I have to keep reminding myself I'm doing this as a detox, but I'm annoyed with how little weight I've lost and how I'm missing out on socially eating with people... I'm SO bored.

I sit. I read. I internet. I chat on the phone. I don't like to watch tv - because all the food commercials make me annoyed. I keep feeling like I just want to stop. However, I'm still detoxing. So, I don't want to just bring that to a halt. Ugh. Annoyance.

I want to just stop most of the time. It's not really painful. It's just annoying and kind of like a disturbance in my daily life. I always have to make sure I'm near a toilet because I'll either be pissing or pissing "poop" out of my butt. See, I knew this would be more of a mental thing...

My tongue keeps being gross and pasty in the morning and then clearing up throughout the day. Which makes me think: I guess I'm not really that toxic. Shouldn't I just stop tomorrow? But tomorrow (Day 7) I'll think: C'mon, T. Only three days left.

All I know is that this is really boring...

TMC: Day Five

2007-09-10T22:33:00.000-04:00

I made it through Day Five. My body is detoxing really well now. My tongue is white and chalky (with "escaping" toxins). It makes me feel way parched. I need to drink lots or else I get this stale taste in my mouth. My liver is pushing toxins out. I can tell because of the vibrant yellow hue in my stool. I started getting some neck pain and my glands are a tiny bit swollen -- all signs of detox. Yay!

One thing, though: I feel so disinterested with things. Luckily I haven't been having bad mood swings, but I feel like I'm just going through the mundane motions of my life right now. Also, I never realized how much of my life is centered around food. I miss the whole food experience. Yeah, the taste and such, but actually sitting down, choosing what to make or order, chomping it down - maybe with a friend. It's a social engagement that I feel I am missing out on...

However, I feel very proud of myself that I'm halfway there. I can't let my boredom deter me. It's incredible when people ask me what I'm drinking, and I say "It's a detox cleanse. It's a fast kind of." When they ask how long I've been fasting and I say "5 days" people are in shock. I am in shock. Had I been told even 4 months ago that in the near future I would choose to not eat and fast for 5 days, I'd be floored. Whatever. It actually seems kind of normal and habitual to not eat now. I guess that's good. It helps. For example, people offer me food sometimes (forgetting that I'm fasting) and without hesitation I say "No, thanks. I can't" and go sip on some "lemonade." It's weird.

Anyway, friends: please keep helping me truck along. I really hope my boredom doesn't get the best of me and coerce me to cave in... So far I've been really lucky, though. I've checked message bords and done some research. Some people get terrible symptoms while detoxing. I'm doing alright for now. I hope I continue to detox as I have been today. Fairly painless.

Later, dudes!

-Big T

TMC: Day Four

2007-09-09T14:49:00.001-04:00

Worst.Day.Yet.

More to come...

**UPDATE**: The saltwater flush isn't working. It's supposed to send you to the can in less than an hour of you drinking it. The laxative tea is working, but for some reason, my body isn't really releasing all the shit caked onto my intestines. What gives? I poop in the mornings (if you want to call it that -- it's more like a quasi-diarrheatic leak).

Anyway, after drinking my last lemon/syrup/pepper concoction and nightly tea, I woke up wayyyy too late this morning. Apparently my blood sugar must have dropped like crazy. (I had been super tired at work as I neared the 2AM mark. So, I went to bed at around 3:30AM and woke up at 12:30PMish. Big mistake).

As I woke up, I bolted for the toilet (told you that laxative tea is working) and started to feel hot and woozy. I fanned myself. I started to feel my legs go numb and my esophagus start to close. Needless to say, this freaked me the fuck out. I jumped up and took two big swigs of bathroom sink water and sat back down. Nothing. All of a sudden, I can explain it no other way than: I felt my body begin to collapse in on itself. I felt like my insides were all struggling to stay in place. I kept telling myself I'd be okay, but my legs started to cramp, my esophagus was getting tighter and when I checked the steadiness of my outstretched hand, it'd showed a likeness to that of Muhammed Ali or Michael J. Fox.

I was so scared. All these thoughts raced in my head:

1. I'm going to die like Elvis - on the toilet.
2. I don't have health insurance, I have a heart murmur and I'm starving myself. What am I doing?!
3. When I die, they'll have to ship my body to California.
4. Should I call in sick to work or should I call in dead?
5. Where's my sister?

With that, I yelled for Vanessa. She came rushing in, obviously confused, and all I could muster was "Please, can you get me anything to eat or drink or something. My sister's the best. She acted quickly and lovingly. She brought me a stick of string cheese (protein/fats), a glass of Crystal Light (sugar) and a glass of cold water (fluid of life). I chomped down half of the cheese and took a swig of the Crystal. Then, I finished the glass of water and the rest of the string cheese. Funny. That's the only time I've ever not peeled string cheese. I was obviously in a hurry.

I felt bad "cheating," but I honestly thought I was near death. I had never had that strong of a feeling before. Like I said, my body felt like it was collapsing in on itself. I thought my body might be going into the initial phases of shock. However, the cheese and such made me feel better straight away, and not 10 minutes after this fiasco, I was drinking my saltwater flush and first lemon concoction of the day.

I'm still on the fast. Call it cheatin' if you want. What was I supposed to do? I definitely pooped it out later that day. It was gnarly. It smelled exactly like string cheese -- and shit. Gross.

Anyway, today at work I kept smelling the pizza that was ordered. I used to do that when I had to lose weight for boxing. I'd cook a ton, smell it, and then make people eat it in front of me. It was my way of somehow ingesting it vicariously. Weird, I know.

Anyway, feeling lots better now -- and have set my alarm early tomorrow. My mouth is stale as fuck and I've been pissing like crazy, but I'm strangely energetic. I just need to shit more. I need this detox, but I don't feel like it's working as well as it's supposed to. I've talked it over with all the people I know who have done it and they say I'm doing all the right things (minus the whole waiting-tons-of-hours-before-I-drank-again thing). They say to be patient. I will be. My body is fighting it and obviously going into starvation mode. It'll let go soon. C'mon, body, work with me here; I'm doing this for you...

Still determined,
Miss T

PS. Tonight, despite side-stepping a few sudden urges of shoving food in my face, it's feeling more and more natural to not eat. Is that weird?

TMC: Day Three

2007-09-08T12:20:00.000-04:00

First off, I am really proud of myself for yesterday:

1. I didn't poop myself on the way to work - although my butt really wanted to.
2. I knew that partaking in this cleanse would be really hard during the weekend(s) because at work we get fed tons of good, greasy food from the pizzeria next door during the late show. Being the manager on duty, I ask everyone what we want and place the order. I also have to check over all the (audience) food orders as they come in. Working with all that food and not being able to eat it? Tempting, but I didn't cave in. I felt bummed for a little. Like I was missing out. Oh well. I have to do the same tonight. Wish me luck.

TMC is treating me nicely. My shits are SO WEIRD. Yesterday was my last semi-solid crap. Now they are all the consistency of a thick poop sauce. They kind of look like teriyaki sauce. Anyone want some?

I've lost 5 pounds already. I'm sure I'll gain back most of everything I (continue to) lose - seeing as though I'll actually be eating again. However, these mere five pounds are more than I've lost in a few months and it helps me feel slightly accomplished and determined to continue.

There are a few things I've noticed that are troublesome, though. Uhh, the obvious one being that I CAN'T EAT AND I LIKE TO EAT. The other is that I have been feeling sensitivity in my teeth. Think about it:

Maple syrup (sugary) + lemon juice (citrusy) = enamel issues.
It's not too bad. However, I've been taking extra special care of my teeth. Intensive brushing, flossing, etc. I'll just keep good care of my chompers.

I've been keeping a daily weight/mood/appetite/energy level "database" for the duration of my cleanse. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for your support - and to Mega for her shout-out. I deeply believe in the constant and consistent self-improvement of all people. I just hope I continue with The Master Cleanse so as to better my body and myself. Help me out, please. Thanks, guys!

Turdy Tanya

PS. On a completely unrelated note, it has been brought to my attention that my armpits are kind of stinky. I've been using Old Spice's High Endurance deodorant (scent: Fresh Sport) for years now, but I think my body is now immune. I, literally, slather on about 15 swipes (each pit) before I leave the house and when I get to my destination, I already smell gamey. I've switched deodorants to Arm & Hammer's natural (unscented) deodorant. (I hate anti-perspirants. They are unnatural and are supposedly linked to breast cancer for women). Not gonna lie - I do feel like a little bit less of a man. I miss my Old Spice. And who knew Old Spice had such a rad website?

TMC: Day Two

2007-09-07T12:49:00.000-04:00

I went to bed hungry. Everywhere I go, I must bring my little ingredients. I realized that in the second picture I posted down below (TMC: Day One), I don't really look that bad. BUT I SHALL NOT QUIT - at least not yet.

So, at night I must take a laxative herbal tea and in the mornings I must gulp a quart of lukewarm water filled with uniodized sea salt. It tastes exactly how it sounds - like sea water. Ugh. I drank half a quart and am just staring at the rest of it.

All in all, TMC isn't all that bad. I like to eat, though. So, this will prove to be more of a psychological game than anything else. Last night as I made my way home, I passed by EVERY SINGLE MANHATTANITE who was eating delicious, greasy pizza. It didn't tempt me, it just made me feel bummed out. (UGH! I just took another big gulp of that man-made sea water. I seriously wanna puke).

By the way, I had to go buy the sea salt and laxative tea this morning -- because I had forgotten I needed some. When I went to the health store, the clerk asked me if I needed help. He was very boisterous. When I asked for uniodized sea salt, our conversation went as so:

Male Clerk: Did you just get pierced?
Me: No, I --
Clerk: Did you just get an enema?
[people turn and look]
No: No! I am doing that Master Cl--
Clerk: Oh yeah! Sure Sure! Master Cleanse. Yeah, you need this.
[walks me over to sea salt and hands me a carton]
[without wanting to outright ask for herbal laxative tea, I ask...]
Me: Where are your guys' teas?
Clerk: Oh, yeah, you need that Smooth Move laxative tea, right? It's right over there!

I almost hope he was being so loud on purpose. It was embarassing, but oh well. I called Hilo right after and we had a good laugh about it. I explained to her that this detox diet is really just a healthy way of being anorexic. Ha! We'll see on the 16th!

Ugh. Time to go finish up that quart of gross sea water.

Tanya E.

**UPDATE**: Well, friends, it seems as though that saltwater was drank for the sole purpose of making me vomit it all up right after the last gulp. I had started feeling sick while I drank it, but kept pushing on. I'm stubborn. (I think it's 'cause I have bad memories of always being short and swimming in the ocean and coughing up tons of seawater. See, I told you it'd be a psychological battle.) So, after puking up a quart of seawater and a little bit of bile -- that, might I add, came out my nose a bit -- I feel great and am going to try the laxative tea to make sure I have as many "eliminations" as possible during this 10 day period. The great news is that the tea tastes like awesome. So, yeah I'll just stick to that. Alright, later!

The Master Cleanser: Day One

2007-09-06T13:34:00.000-04:00

Today, Internet Audience, I am starting a drastic change. Hopefully, I can hack it. I've never fully been happy with my weight - except for when I was boxing a lot or when I was playing on three soccer teams at once. I like to eat. So, I like to eat lots and work out lots and have it not only balance out, but keep me fit. Friends, I'm not exaggerating when I say, it's nearly been a year since I've worked out heavily -- and it wasn't even consistent. I worked out (back in Santa Barbara) with my old boxing coach about 3 times over the Christmas break. That's it.

Lately, I've felt not only been completely unhealthy with what I eat, but with my lack of exercise as well. I feel like I'm destroying my organs. My muscles are atrophied. I get winded walking up my four flights of stairs. The last time I exerted myself was during my impromptu dash through Manhattan during B's visit. I've caught myself in the mirror a few times when I'm in my skimmies and am seriously disgusted. I need to change - for my weight, for my health, for my self-image...

I'm too lazy at this point to get back into boxing because I know how intense it can be - and I know my competitive self, and could never do it just for recreation. So, friends, I've started the Master Cleanser. I used to fast (incorrectly) in high school. Thus, I know I can go a day or two at least without eating. However, the Master Cleanser is a detox "diet"/fast in which you only drink water mixed with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper (all have specific, nutritional purposes to keep me healthy) for 10 days!

I can do it, though. I need to do something drastic like this in order to kick start healthier eating, and hopefully a healthier lifestyle. I've talked to a few people who have done the fast and read the small book. I think I can do it. Will you help me, Internet Audience? Leave me texts or comments or call or something and tell me to keep going! I start today and hopefully will end Sunday, September 16th. Your support would be much appreciated!

So far, as I sip on my first glass, it tastes pretty good actually. I'm just worried I'll get hungry. (Seeing as though I already am). I, also, hope this gives me enough energy and I don't feel all woozy and faint-ish whilst I fast. However, If I do, I'll just concoct another glass and fill myself up on this detox liquid instead of greasy burgers.

As you can see from the photographical evidence, I've gone from Badass to Flabass and, hopefully, I'll go back again. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think being 5'3" and nearing 140 pounds makes you fat, but I have fat parts about me and I'm not liking them. I know I'm not fat, but I boxed at 125 and being 139 and soft is a little - okay a lot! - unsettling. So, please help and wish me luck!

Take care, kids!
The Master Cleanser T

Born To Roke

2007-09-03T14:32:00.000-04:00

Roke [rohk]: (verb, noun) The act or description of partaking in karaoke activities. To roke is to live. Ex: Let's roke tonight OR Roke is one of my favorite pastimes.

I think I was born to roke. I love it. It's addictive. Carolyn and Justin (whom I played with in Le Hamptons) came to hang out for Labor Day weekend/ Carolyn's belated birthday. Of course, we roked. Of course. Duh.

Carolyn, Justin, Jeremy, Vanessa, Christina, Melissa, Terry, Rich, Rebecca, Finkel, 5 or so other friends and I all roked the night away. Some highlights, you might ask? Why yes, of course, Internet Audience! Here they are...

Lights of High:

*As I grabbed the mic to sing "Coming to America," I shouted, "This for all the the brown people! Get up!" and some did.
*Justin and I acted out the song lyrics to Fastball's "The Way" to the amusement of many.
*Justin and I sang to Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues" in the manliest voices we could muster.
*Justin and I serenaded Carolyn with a birthday song: "Truly Madly Deeply." The karaoke video showed a weird lagoon with a gator in it and Jeremy kept yelling "There's a gator! There's a gator in the water!!!"
*Jeremy and Finkel rocked it to "Rosanna." When they finished, some bitch singing a tango song said "You're song sucked." So, Jeremy replied with "Our song was AMERICAN!"
*When a girl next to me sang "Teenage Dirtbag," I told her it was a prime choice and she said "Thanks. You're beautiful. I've been noticing you all night." 'Twas creepy, but she was funny.
*Vanessa (aka VaNace Dogg) and I (aka the T Child) shocked & awed the audience with our impeccable rendition of "Regulators."
*A random dude sang The Door's "Light My Fire." I started freaking him from behind. Then, Justin came and joined. As we danced with him, the dude yelled "Jim Morrison's a lovaaaaa!" Brilliant!
*Group of rowdy white kids roke-ing to Weird Al's "White and Nerdy."

Picture Highlights:

Roke-ing with Carolyn.

Christina looks like a hot fembot.

"Jim Morrison's a lovaaaaa!"

If anyone watches "The Office," you'll see the resemblance between my sister and Phyliss' greatest line of all time "I'll do it." If you know what I'm talking about, I love you.

Finkelmeister and Jeremy

Regulatin'.

Now that you've seen how I get down, come visit and Roke with me. I may actually take Greta up on an international Roke offer in Nicaragua. We never got to go when I visited her back in May. (By the way, I will finally be blogging about NicaTown. I got all my pictures back!) Come roke, yo!

Tenacious Tanya

Binaca Visit

2007-08-31T00:20:00.000-04:00

Bee and Vaneesqua have already started blogging about this trip. Read their's for full-blogging-coverage! Click on any of the photos below to enlarge them.

Bianca aka Binaca is one of my sister's friends (and mine as well) and an avid read of my blog - that sounded nerdy. She came to visit us in New York a few weeks ago. It was a grand old time. I don't have many pictures, but I will post some that I have. Anyway, we did lots of cool stuff with Bianca. Bee was a trooper; she hit the ground running:

DAY ONE:
She landed early in the morning. We met her around midtown, ate, sat in Bryant Park and went to go watch Harold Night at UCB Theatre.

Highlights:
*Old man selling anti-war buttons. When asked where he gets them, he stated "The button factory" - like I was an idiot.
*Girl with loud obnoxious laugh
*Vanessa making fun of said laugh

After UCB Theatre, we went to Pianos for a Guitar Hero party! Rad! Basically, people come and partake in head-to-head GH competition. It was so great! We rooted for Eric. He donned fake wigs (at times) and had great showmanship. Here are a few pictorials:

There I am mimicking a giraffe - i like the triplicate of me on the glass - and our favorite GH competitor: Eric.

DAY TWO:
Keep in mind that it was really hot and humid in NYC. It was in the 90s. We all had purchased tickets to go on the NBC Studio Tour (in Rockefeller Center) at 3:30PM. However, due to rolling blackouts (AND A TORNADO THAT HIT BROOKLYN!), some of the subway lines had lost power and were out of service. While I made my way to 30 Rock, the train I was on lost power. I was stuck at the Herald Square stop for a long while. Once the doors opened to let us out, I realized I had no other choice but to run. (Traffic was heinous b/c subways were down. Tour started in 12 minutes). I to dash 16 crowded blocks (more than a block a minute) to make the pre-paid tour in 90 degree heat. I hadn't eaten or drank anything. Ugh. Whatever, I made it with a few minutes to spare. I was literally dripping sweat when I got there.

Highlights:
*Mr. Softee vendor said he saw me from blocks away and handed me a cup of water. As I waved thanks, he yelled "Good luck!"
*We had a funny tour guide, but a boring group.
*Bee volunteered to act as the Weather(wo)man for a fake newscast.
*We took a funny (compulsory) picture, that we bought afterwards.
*Vanessa was gross and flirtatious with our tour guide - even though she would never put it that way.

After the tour, we headed to a Shea Stadium to watch a Mets game.

Highlights:
*On the train ride, I almost passed out - must have been the running, then massive amount of eating following. Bee gave me some juice. I'm not sure if I ever said it, but thanks, Bee!
*When we got there, I instantly remembered I am afraid of heights.
*I lasted two innings before I chose to stand towards the back of the stadium.

DAY THREE:
Vanesssa and Bee went to Coney Island. I slept in and did God-knows-what. I was still feeling a little woozey (sp?). Ohhh, but that night we karaoked! I brought a set list. Lame, I know, but I am very into karaoke.

Highlights:
*My crazy eyes during Bon Jovi's "Wanted: Dead or Alive."

*Lots of West Coast Rap - and might I say Bee held it down on "Hypnotize!"

*Bee's full array of facial expressions whilst roke-ing

*Potential (cheesy) album covers

*Back up singers and smooth-singing black men are great!
*We shut down the place at around 2:30AM.
*Ate at Taco Smell afterwards and had an intense debate about Harry Potter (backblog) and Will Ferrell.

That basically concluded Bee's visit. I must say, Bee is one of the best visitors ever!! She wanted to do really fun stuff and is really fun to have around. Plus, she hates HP and WF, too. Grand! I hope she had as great of a time visiting as we had with her. Later, kids!

T-Pain

I Am Famous

2007-08-24T00:00:00.000-04:00

Not really... but I'll take what I can get. Many of you might know already that one of my favorite websites is Overheard In New York and I used to be very upset that I never overheard worthy conversations to submit to this website. However, I have since then submitted a few or submitted entries for their weekly Headline Contest.

However, I would like to share the conversations I have overheard that have been published. The first one should technically be null & void because I partook in the conversation - and this is an OHNY faux pas. Regardless, it was hilarious. Enjoy, friends:

That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back
Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You're the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!

--Clinton & Stanton
via Overheard in New York, Jun 19, 2007

Lame. They forgot to type who it was overheard by. I'm going to write a formal letter of complaint! Anyway, next up:

This nigga on Overheard
Thug #1: We don't even go to the movies or nothin'. She just comes over to smash it and then she leaves. She knows, too. She just comes over for some pipin'.
Thug #2: That's where it's at.
Thug #1: She got a 10-year-old li'l nigga, too. She knows not to ask for somethin' serious. That li'l nigga in fifth grade! That nigga on MySpace!

--Houston & Suffolk

Overheard by: Rhymes With Lasagna

Headline by: ja

Runners-Up:
· "...And "To Catch A Predator"" - Stuck in the MidWest
· "He Comes Over for Some Pipin' Too." - Courtney
· "I Just Have to Wait for Her to Be in Eigth." - Snark Sloper
· "That Li'l Nigga Gots Roast Beef and This Li'l Nigga Gots None." - johnnyb
· "The Nucular Family" - Bill
· "The Waltons, 2007" - G'night, John Boy

via Overheard in New York, Aug 23, 2007

Well, I want to say thanks to Bee and J. Parnell who gave me big-ups (in a much less lame way) and let me know that I got published. TOO SLOW, THOUGH, SUCKAS! OHNY had already sent me an e-mail. But, thanks anyway. You're rad kids.

Rhymes With Lasagna

PS. You should check out another Overheard, too: Overheard in 4B. It's an apartment that overhears conversations and blogs about them. Who knew inanimate objects could be so technologically advanced?

Ugh. Lame.

2007-08-23T02:39:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to feel lonely again. I don't like it. Vanessa returns tomorrow (in a few hours, really) at least, and I won't have the apartment all to myself. Who knew this small apartment could feel so big sometimes? Carol is coming to visit for the day, too. I can't wait for her phone call to wake me up to let me know she's here. Honestly. She's great. I haven't seen her in months.

I signed another year lease for this apartment. Don't let me down, Jew York. You're already makin' me feel lonely. Don't do that; it's not nice. Weird, and I was feeling so blissful and happy for a long time until just a few days ago. I wonder what happened...

I think I rely heavily on the company of others. Lame. Also, maybe my hormones are dancing around in my fallopian tubes and cerebellum. Being a girl sucks sometimes.

Sigh,
Tanya

PS. It wouldn't really be my cerebellum, but I'm too lazy to remember the proper anatomic area of brain that houses chemicals.

Close Encounters of the Third Eye

2007-08-21T22:31:00.000-04:00

Regression. It's a funny thing. Many a time I have thought maybe I have grown from being a titty-sucking, diaper-shitting baby. Sometimes I am reminded that I am wrong. No, I don't wear plastic 'roos to catch my dumps and piss, and no I don't suckle the mammaries, but friends, sometimes I'm an idiot.

As I left my friend's apartment the other day, I decided to release a little gas during my elevator ride. It felt a little warm, but nothing too off. However, earlier that day, when I forced myself to crap, I partly shat this weird clear oil. Now, I had been eating out a lot. So, I figured this was some food grease or something. Yeah, I know you don't really want to hear about it, but let's face it, fucker; you're gonna keep reading because you're interested.

Back to the story at hand - I fart in the elevator. As I exit and walk out of the building, I noticed things weren't copacetic. Things felt a little heavy and moist (I hate that word) in my chonies. I was hauling a little extra weight, if you know what I'm saying. I kept walking, but panicked. I was wearing shorts that were white with green pinstripes. "Fuck. This is going to seep through and everyone will see my shitty pants!" I thought. I still had about a 15 minute walk to the train, a ten minute ride, and then a brisk walk to my apartment. Of course, right as this dilemma occurred I thought, "I must call Hitler!"

So, I immediately called Chris and let him be privy to my situation. He thought it was hilarious and kept asking how sure I was that I had shit myself. I said I was nearly positive. I started realizing what a long trek I had ahead of me and tried to run after a cab whilst on the phone with him. I failed. Chris suggested I find an alley to either check myself or scoop out the poop from my undergarments. No thanks. I very luckily had a hoodie with me (which was weird since it was very humid/hot that day - God, obviously, works in mysterious ways) and tied it around my waist.

However, this exacerbated my paranoia. "Everyone must know I shit myself," I thought. "No one wears sweatshirts tied around their waists anymore. Everyone will know it's because I've had some sort of an accident."

As I made my way back home I text messaged Hilo and Erca Whale with "It has become quite evident during my walk that the 'innocent' fart I let escape was really the alarm call I ignored to me shitting my pants." When I got out of the subway station, I realized it had already been a half hour. I had been walking/standing in mushy pants for that long. (I hadn't sat during the subway ride because I didn't want to smush the poop all over my bottom). Does it seem weird to know that after this long, dirty trek, I was very hungry? Well, I was. I couldn't help it, really. Right off of my subway stop there is a middle-eastern man who sells cheap halal food. So, I figured "Fuck, I've been walking around with shitty pants for a half hour now - what's 5 more mintes?"

I gave the man my order and waited to hand him my 5 smackers. As I stood there waiting for the chicken to cook, he repeatedly turned back to me and smiled. Finally he told me:

"Jew...jew airre beyootifull."
"Thanks," I said. "I just shit myself."

He smiled and obviously had no idea what I said. If he only knew, friends. If he only knew...

Well, the good thing about this story is that it ends somewhat happily. I immediately charged up my stairs and sat on the toilet. Thankfully, Internet Audience, I didn't shit myself, but I had the weird oily residue in my unders that I had seen in the toilet bowl earlier. It looked like slightly muddied water. Gross! HAHAHAHA! Oh well. The upside: I did NOT, in fact, shit myself. However, I still feel that I regressed to first grade - when the acute possibility of accidentally shitting myself was a grim reality.

Holding onto (the small remnants of) her dignity,
Tanya

Keeping Stereotypes Alive

2007-08-14T23:00:00.000-04:00

I'm unmotivated to blog...

...Mexicans really ARE lazy.

Le Hamptons

2007-08-01T17:43:00.000-04:00

As I told you all before, Internet Audience, I celebrated Independence Day with my friend Carolyn, her family, and (her Colorado friend) Justin in The Hamptons. Not too shabby, eh?

I woke up way early after a night of hanging out with the sister, Jessica, in SoHo and took a train from Penn Station to Hampton Bays. It was nearly a 2 hour trip. I must say it was worth it - sort of. SIKE. It totally was. I let Carolyn know I was almost there by texting her "On the train, should be there in 45 mins." She responded with "Cool. Don't talk to any blacks or strangers." Duh! (Isn't racism funny - when you don't mean it?)

As I waited at the station for Carolyn and Justin to pick me up, I let my iPod do its work. All of a sudden I hear an indiscernible yell from across the street. I thought it was my name and I figured it was Carolyn, but I couldn't see her anywhere. Then, my phone rang and I started cracking up. Carolyn, apparently, stuck her head out of the window whilst driving by and tried yelling at me, but I was too busy being deafened by my headphones.

It was the first time I had met Justin. He is good people and very funny. Actually, I don't really know if he's "good people" or not. He could be a murderer for all I know. He's just funny and that's what I qualify as "good people." So, don't blame me if he's on Dateline's "To Catch A Predator" or something later on.

While I was on the train, Caroline and Justin had been watching the 4th of July parade with Carolyn's fam-a-lama-ding-dong. Here are a few pictures they took. My favorite is the Cockhead. What a dickhead!:

After we got to Carolyn's parents' place, we had a really good lunch and went for a little bit of a walk/drive. Here are some great finds:

POO License plate!! That's so rad! (Don't mind the fact that in the picture I have an elongated neck and no prominent chin). I like the flooring store, too. "We'll Floor 'U'", eh? Also, check out the RED-SKINNED Indian. So terrible. They didn't even attempt to make him look peachy or brown, it's straight-up red.

The night of the 4th it was raining like crazy. So, no fireworks, but dinner was fun and we all stayed at home. By the way, it was me, Justin, Carolyn, her grandpa, her mom and dad, her uncle and a family friend were all staying the house. It was good to hang out with a family and have meals together. I haven't had that in awhile and it was hanging out with Carolyn's very gracious and hospitable family that made me realize I missed that. I inserted a picture of Carolyn looking like a raging bulldyke. Rad.

Carolyn, Justin and I all went out to a Mexican place for dinner (which, Mexican food in NY - as I've mentioned before in Tex-Mex y Futbol - is awful! I ain't no picky Mexican either, but it's just bad) and had a really great talk. I enjoy these kids immensely...

On the 5th, the weather cleared up a bit and we went for a walk on the beach. Some kids were setting off some fireworks while we were there too. It was rad.

In true suburban youth fashion, we all took "gangsta" pictures together. I took my "fucking someone in the ass" picture, too:

Quit staring at my crotch in that last picture -- especially you, Dad! (Yes, my parents read my blog. It's pretty cute actually). After all that, we went to a bar to hang out and see any celebrities. None. Just us:

BUT! We did see our own favorite local celebrity: POO!!

Yes, I'm pointing to where poo comes out from. So what? Anyway, the next day we rose early-ish and took a train to Manhattan. From there we perused my neighborhood a bit, ate Thai food and got ready for a night of comedy. While I trotted off to work at the club, Carolyn and Justin did this:

Carolyn, Justin, Lucy and Jeremy all showed up at the club to watch Patrice O'Neal and a few other comedians perform. It was a really funny show. Overall, I'm glad I got to spend some time with these kiddos. It was great to meet Justin and - if he doesn't turn out to be a mass-rapist - I'll be happy to stay friends with him and Miss Caroline for many years to come.

Thanks for waiting so long on this post, guys! You're rad!

T.Zo!

Do You Have A Minute For Gay Rights?

2007-07-27T16:40:00.000-04:00

My internet is still lame. I think tomorrow I'm going to go the the internet cafe and use their wireless to upload my blogs that are waiting to be published. I am using my sister's top,lap and ethernet to write this blog. FYI, I "can't" publish my other posts off of this 'puter 'cause then I'd have to download all the pictures from my Gmail and stuff and that's just ridiculous. Sorry. I'm too lazy.

Yesterday I visited Jeremy in his 'hood and we went to McCarren Park to people watch. There were lots of HiSpanish people playing futbol, nubile pre-teen girls coquette-ishly watching and interacting with the older gentlemen, people running track, and ice cream vendors. It was pretty cool.

Jeremy suggested we have a push-up contest and I told him I refused to do tandem push-ups across from each other like a bunch of douchebags... but then we did anyway because we're both competitive as hell. After our lazy day at the park, we started walking towards a video store. That's when a young woman interrupted us:

Young girl dressed in rainbow colors: Excuse me, do you have a minute for gay rights?
Me: No, sorry.
Jeremy, sarcastically: Not even a minute.
Young girl: Okay. Have a good day, guys.

Now, the way these petitioners word things, they know what they are doing. Oh, they know what they are doing. It's a simple equation, really...

"Do you have a minute for the environment?" + "NO, SORRY" =
You being a total asshole...Squared

(Whatever, I like gays. I like rights. I think gays should have rights. Do I want to talk to some hipster chick from Williamsburg about it? Not particularly). As we walked off, she asked a family right behind us, a young couple with very young kids.

After she asked her question, and they continued to walk behind us and kindly blow her off, we heard the young boy ask: "Daddy, what's gay rights?" My mouth hung open in guffawing position. Jeremy and I looked back and awaited the young father's response. "Umm, go ask your mother." THEN, HE STARTED LAUGHING! HAHAHAHAHAHA! What a rad dad! We all looked at each other and cracked up. What a brilliant fucking answer! And! Then! He solidified his awesomeness with the sinister laugh! How perfect! God bless that man, Internet Audience. God bless him.

Tanya

PS. Check out that dude's mooseknuckle up top. Gross.

I Hate Technology

2007-07-24T14:43:00.000-04:00

So, I've had a great blog post ready to be published for the past 3 days now, filled with clever observations and ridiculous pictures, but my stupid interweb hasn't been working. Right now I am using my sister's laptop and interbot to write this blog post. Sigh. I might just re-write the whole post and download all the pictures onto her computer (because they are saved in my Gmail), but that is so much effort. Lame Lame Lame. I hate technology sometimes.

Your bumbling protagonist,
T.Zo

Professional Idiot

2007-07-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

This morning Jeremy tried to convince me to go watch the newest Harry Potter movie with him. He said that all his other friends had already seen it and I was the only one who could go watch it with him. Internet audience, this made my stomach churn. I despise the idea of watching the Harry Potter movies. *GASP* OH NO! You're up in arms -- if you're a douchebag. Hear me out, NO not all people who watch Harry Potter/read Harry Potter are douchebags, but you totally are when you can't wrap your tiny little brain around why I don't care to ever watch the movies.

I don't care what you have to say about these books/movies, I don't care to see or read them. Why is that such a big deal? I think they are lame. I'm not interested. Get over it. My fellow Erazo siblings can back me up on this. We've decided that the reason people get all upset when we denounce Harry Butthole is because Harry Bunghole is lame. So, people automatically think you're saying they're lame for liking it (which, yeah, I kind of am) and they feel the need to defend their honor and, thus, prove they are not lame (which, yeah, they kind of have to). Then, they try to prove YOU wrong for not liking it. Whatever. I don't care about Harry Dumbfuck. Don't try and sell me on it. I just don't care at all. Duh, I refused to watch the movie with Jeremy. Him, being the stubborn mule he is, tried to tell me I had no choice.

"No, we're going to watch it. Dude, you won't watch it even knowing that no one else can watch it with me? All my friends who like movies have seen it already."
"No, I won't. I won't pay for a movie I have NO desire to see."

He, then, offered to pay and I still declined.

"I just don't care to see it," I explained.

This made Jeremy go on a very funny tirade.

"You're an idiot. You're a professional idiot" he started off.

Just to piss him off, I said "Harry Potter's for faggots!"

He kept making fun of me for not wanting to watch children's films.

"Oh, I'm Tanya. I'm so cool. I don't watch Harry Potter. Shit, I [Jeremy] watch children's movies. I'm all about it. I fucking watch Ratatouille!"

HAHAHAHA! Is it weird that I find it especially hilarious that he called me a "professional idiot"? That's so rad! I'm not just an idiot, I'm so refined in my idiocy that I am deemed a professional. Stupendous! Anyway, I call people "idiots" a lot because I find it comical. It's because it's such a harsh insult, but it's really harmless - unless you mean it.

Whatever. I thought it was funny. AND NO! I will not be watching Harry Fuckface Potter! End of story.

**UPDATE** This is precisely why I love Erca Whale so much: I read her my blog on the phone in the angry/funny tone that I wrote it in and she kept "uh-huh"-ing me like she was a black woman in church and I was the preacher. Then, she sent me these photos via e-mail-ings. God, she's great! Enjoy:

Found Comedy

2007-07-15T23:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I walk around the city and see funny stuff that I would like to share with you. Like I've said before, my camera is busted, so I've taken a few pictures (stealthily) on my camera phone. Here are a few little gems you should check out. Remember, as with all pictures, you can click on them to enlarge them.

Let's start it off with "creative" outfits:

The Long Island Wonder - After Arden's graduation dinner, Jeremy and I took the train back from Long Island. We saw a bunch of L.I. douchebags (who come into The City on the weekends to party). This guy was wearing a wifebeater with a FUR COAT over it. What the hell kind of look is this? AND! It was at the end of May! It definitely wasn't furcoat weather! Oh, don't forget to check out his stereotypical Long-Island-Douchebag-Hairstyle. My sister has appropriately dubbed it "The Hair Burst."
The Brooklyn Wonder - Arden and I went to Target together in Brooklyn. As we crossed the street, we happened to find ourselves behind this fine fellow. His LEATHER oversized jacket is patched together like a quilt of Urban new stories solely about Tupac. Who thought this up? What was the pitch meeting for this clothing article/line like? Why wasn't this on a reality tv show?
The Key Lime Lady - Long ago I sent this in a picture message to Hilo and maybe a few others. As I got off of the subway to meet up with Mr. Joe Finkel, I ran across this little lady. I must say, although I like bright colors, I don't like them in velour full-color tracksuits. Who runs track in a velour suit anyhow? She reminded me of Santa Barbara - either of a young sorostitute prancing around or an old washed-up MILF wannabe walking around downtown.
The Eye of the Tiger - This man's outfit is really my pièce de résistance. Eye of the tiger, indeed. I was laughing so hard when I saw this shirt. WHO WEARS THIS?! God, he's got such great big cojones for not only choosing that shirt, but and then wearing it. This man deserves a medal! Get him a medal, America! Get him a medal post haste!

This next segment is just stuff I thought was comical that I've seen on the streets:

Nar Nar Hair - Ugh. Believe it or not, I've seen this weird matted-up, dredlocked look on a handful of females. (By the way, I think it's hi-larious when women are referred to as "females." It's so stupid!) It still amazed me enough to take a stalker picture, though. Why would you ever do this to your hair? It looks like the paddle-like tail of a beaver. It looks like a cricket bat. It looks so utterly disgusting. How do you wash this? Do you wash this?
This Sign is Dope - This sign cracked me up. I found it while Hien and I walked around Littly Italy. I've never tried any drugs ever - shocker, I know - so, this sign pulled at my little innocent heart string and made me smile. Cute little sign. I like how it's all patriotic, too. Remember, kids, when you buy drugs the terrorists win, right? Right. Riiiiiiight. (I wish there was a sarcasm font).

Well, I'm sorry these pictures aren't of the highest quality, but I hope you enjoyed them nonetheless, friends. Take it easy! Oh, and I'm glad so many of you read and comment - especially the newbies! It really makes my day. Yes, I'm that lame.

Bye BFFs,
T.Zo

Coney Island Crazies

2007-07-11T14:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday Jeremy and I frolicked to Coney Island. We rode the subway to the end of the F line (for the Stillwell/Coney Island stop). It was kind of a weird idea - riding the subway in my bathing suit, board shorts, new Rocky shirt (which I shall post a picture of later) and flip flops through Manhattan and Brooklyn to get to the beach. When we got there Jeremy and I kind of laughed that it was scummy and really city-like. There is the beach and then right across the street from the boardwalk are tons of multi-lane boulevards, high-rises and people.

Before we hit the beach we had to hunt for a football and some conditioner (so my hair wouldnt get nappy). Some dumbass dude tried to sell me a bottle of conditioner for $7. No way. I tried to haggle with him and he said "No, this isn't Africa!" Ha! WHAT? He kept trying to tell me that it was expensive because it was Pantene Pro-V brand. Riiight. That shit is only, like, 4 bucks, tops! He was a nut. Friends, this is where the slew of crazies began a-flowin'. We met/saw quite a few nutjobs at Coney Island.

Jeremy and I set our stuff down very close to the water. Now, I never really worry that my shit will get stolen at the beach, but we had two iPods, two wallets, clothes, cell phones, et cetera and TONS of riffraff around. So, before we trotted off into the water, I kindly asked some woman and her daughter if they could watch our stuff. She said it would be no problem. Great, grand, wonderful.

We played in the water for a bit - which was super cold, but being from the Bay, I'm used to - got out and sunbathed. When we returned to our beach towels, I thanked the woman who looked after our things. She smiled and said it wasn't a problem. Shortly thereafter a bunch of rambunctious kids started playing around right next to us and were kicking up some sand. The woman who looked after our bag looked pissed. When the kids scampered off, she shook her towel off and said "I just hate Black kids like that!" Wow. What do you say to that? I just kind of smiled and did a weird nod of some sort, but in my head I was like "This bitch is crazy!" She said a few more hushed racist remarks to me and when she thought Jeremy might of heard her, she stopped and apologized. What? He's white. I'm brown. Don't you think it'd be better to say these racist thoughts to him at least. Weird. Weird, weird lady.

As we sunbathed, a bunch of vendors kept walking by. Beer was being sold, food, water, mangoes!! It was really bizarre. I felt like I was at some ghetto resort. A dude next to us was hilarious. He was this drunk ass Puerto Rican guy who kept telling everyone nearby that he had to go to work in two hours. He drove a garbage truck. "I gotta go to work tonight. If you see a garbage truck swerving' towards you, you better move son. That's me. God loves me, yo. Sometimes I be weavin' in about 4 lanes and I'm fine. God really loves me, yo." He was hysterical - because he was an idiot. He told Jeremy he was going to leave and go get food on the boardwalk. "I'ma go eat 20 pizzas and puke!" I told him that was a waste of money. He told Jeremy to buy me flowers, but not roses because they were too expensive. He told him to buy me daisies. Ha, what a silly bastard. Then he proceeded to try and buy the woman (who looked after our bags) a shredded up beach shirt that has a picture of the Puerto Rican flag on it. He was out of control and hilarious. I think I want to marry him.

After we got done with the beach, I went into the restroom to freshen up. While pulling my hair back, I met Sabrina. She was a particularly sweaty, skinny AfriCAN AmeriCAN woMAN. (I dunno why I say it with that intonation, but I do). Anyway, as I fixed my hair a bit and held my eyeliner in hand, she just started yelling "Girrrl, you good! You good, girl! You goooood!" For a second I thought she was pseudo-chastizing me for quasi-primping at the beach - but I have nappy ass hair, so i gots to! - until she walked over and kept talking:

Crackhead Sabrina: "How'd you DO that? How'd you DO it?!"
Me: "Sorry, what?"
CS: "How do you gots your eyeliner so smooth? You got it on the top AND the bottom!"
Me: "Oh, yeah. It's really easy to do."
CS: "I just love how you people do that!" What the fuck? "Can you do me?"
Now, let me point out here that Sabrina is most definitely a crackhead and had the sweatiest face I had ever seen. I wanted to say: Are you serious? I'm not using my eyeliner on your sweaty face!, but there she was, poised with her eyes shut already waiting for me to apply eyeliner... So, I did. Sabrina looked in the mirror when I was done.
CS: "Ohhh, girrrl! I never done this in my life! I never had that done before! Thank you. Excuse my manners, my name is Sabrina."
Me: "Nice to meet you, Sabrina. I'm Tanya."
CS: "Tanya, can you line my lips, too?"
Me: "Well, I don't have lipliner. This is eyeliner and it's black."
CS: "Oh, tha's okay! That'll look good"
What the fuck, part two! I did it. It was weird. I basically gave a crackhead a makeover. When I finished, I tossed my eyeliner away and washed my hands.

Directly after that, Jeremy and I stood in line for food at Nathan's. Two dudes ordered around the same orders around the same time and at registers right next to each other. So, when Dude #1's food was ready, Dude #2 took it (maybe by mistake). However, Dude #1 was really upset and started cussing at him. Dude #2 just started walking away and paying no mind. But then he turned around and said "Mah nigga, are you really tryin' to argue over a hot dog??!!" Then, Dude #2 flung the dog at his feet and they got all in each other's faces. One of the scrawny Nathan's cashiers looked really nervous and scared. Jeremy and I just hung our mouths open at each other and we're doing the silent laugh/"is this for real?" look. Then Jeremy just says to me "Homie threw his weenie at him." HAHAHA. It cracked me up. He kept repeating it in awe. It was really ridiculous.

Oh, Coney Island. Oh, crazies! Overall, I liked Coney Island. I had a really fun time. However, it was pretty ghetto and crowded. It's like a Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, but dingier. I had fun. Later, homies.

Tangee Poo

Independence Day

2007-07-03T13:50:00.000-04:00

Hello, friends. Happy early 4th of July!! I am going to be in The Hamptons (Rich White Woman Voice: Oh my, why i've never!) chillin' with P. Diddy (or just my friend Carolyn) for the 4th. It'll be my first time in The Hamptons and my first 4th in New York. Excitement. I am feeling a little nostalgic, though...

Sad sidenote: Last year I spent one of my best 4th of July's ever in Santa Barbara with The Butcher Shop kids, Erica Yoon and Sammy B. I got to watch the fireworks on a boat in the harbor as I ate kobe burgers and canoodled with my then-boyfriend. It sounds lame, but as we watched the fireworks he gave me a strong hug and just said "This is the best 4th I've had ever." I think it was the good company. Fuck. Lately, I've really been missing shit like that. I miss that kid. We keep in touch, but it's over, duh. It's been over for nearly 9 months - that's like a baby's worth of time. I guess I'm getting nostalgic because he hasn't called in awhile and July 14th marks our would-have-been anniversary. Lame. We are both dating new people - who I'm sure, on both ends, are better for us than we ever were for each other - but I think I just miss being that one special person he trusted with everything. Oh well. We weren't much good for each other in the long run. He's a nice kid. I just need to stop aggrandizing our past. It was fun, but it had it's problems. Ugh. I'm getting teary-eyed. What a sell-out I turned out to be.

ANYWAY! I'm excited to have a great 4th regardless! I haven't seen Carolyn since December 26th (Kwanzaa!). Damn, that's nuts. I really can't wait to see her. Her family has a house in The Hamptons and it'll be a nice little vacation. Then, she'll be coming back to Manhattan with me for a night or so to watch some great comedy (while I work) and we'll have lots and lots of adventures. Hence, I'll probably blog when I get back. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to share.

As for now, I have to go get my nails done (shut up), clean the apartment, pack a small bag for Le Hamptons!, and get ready to go to a party tonight with my oldest sister, Jessica. Later, friends!

Here's to my first 4th in The York:

I like the doggy in the corner. Brilliance!

Your wussy protagonist,
Tanya

"Didja Sexually Situate That Chick Last Night, Bro?"

2007-07-01T23:00:00.000-04:00

I like movies with explosions and over-the-top action. Hence, I went to watch "Live Free or Die Hard" the other night. As I checked movie times/run-time/etc., I noticed it was rated PG-13 for "violence, adult language, and a sexual situation." Who the f says that? Utter geniuses, that's who! I want to start saying that in conversation now. "Oh, so what ended up happening with that girl from the bar? Did you take her home for a sexual situation? Imagine someone saying that line with the raised eyebrows and/or sleazy wink.

Duh, I was obsessed the whooooole time whilst watching the movie. Is this the sexual situation, I'd query. I think I spotted which one they meant and it was kind of lame. As it happened, Dude-bro Jeremy and I just looked at each other and whispered "Sexual situation!" Oh my God. Isn't that sooooo funny?! SIKE.

Go eat a dick, Internet Audience. I'm kidding!!

Lots of lovecicles (it's hot this summer),
Tanya to the E.

PS. Please remember to be safe about your

SEXUAL SITUATIONS
--Management

Futbol y "Tex-Mex"

2007-06-28T16:39:00.000-04:00

Read this brief article if you didn't watch the game: "Copa-Dunga blames missed chances for Brazil defeat"

"Mexican Nery Castillo celebrates after scoring against Brazil during their Copa America Venezuela 2007 group B match in Puerto Ortaz. Mexico masterminded a stunning 2-0 win over defending champ Brazil in the opener for both teams at the 2007 Copa America championship."

Last night I was invited by my friend, Amber, to attend the pre-Grand Opening of "Whistlin Dixie Texas Tavern" in Manhattan. The bar/restaurant opens next week and the owners wanted to figure out a game plan of how they would direct their waitstaff and bartenders while patrons were there. So, they opened up for friends, family, etc. and everything was on-the-house. Rad, right? Yes and no. Don't get me wrong, I am super grateful that Amber invited me and that everything was free, but the food/drinks were not what I expected. The margaritas were so sour that I would have rather sucked on a lemon - which I actually really like doing. The food was "tex-mex," but mostly just really dry chicken. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't tex-mex. I went with The Jeremy and he pointed out that we were probably the best judges of the place: a Mexican and a Texan.

After eating like beasts, we started watching the t.v. Low and behold, they put on the Copa America match between Brazil and Mexico. I noticed before the game started that a group of Hispanic people had sat down nearby and one of the women was wearing a Rubinho (Brazilian team member) jersey. A-ha. My nemeses. Sike. Although I am Mexican, I am a huge Brazilian soccer fan. I was originally rooting for Brazil. They usually play really well and are a pleasure to watch. I like Mexico. I am part Mexican, but it's rare that I root for Mexican soccer.

However, as the game got underway, it became evident that the Mexicans were there to prove something. Also, it was Dunga's (Brazilian coach) first time coaching the team solo, and well, the Brazilians were just passing a lot - which isn't uncommon, but many balls kept being intercepted by Los Mexicanos.

In the first 4/5 minutes, the photo above took place. Mexico scored off of a free-kick! I seriously hopped about in my chair, clapped and was like "HOLY SHIT! YES!" This was not welcomed at all by the Brazilians at the neighboring table - which I noticed. Now, normally I would be more polite and clap or celebrate without rubbing it in someone's face. However, the fact that they glared over at me made me despise these fans. I knew they felt upset, mostly, because Brazil is a soccer giant and Mexico (who is high-ranked, but not as "great" as Brazil) actually scored on them and scored first. I hate pretentious bastards. So, they made me annoyed.

Now, when someone annoys me, Internet Audience, I make a mental catalogue and become spiteful. Yes, Internet Audience, I am childish, but at least I know that. So, when these BraziliaNazis stared at me in anger for my mere clapping and hurrah-ing, I decided at that point:
1. that I now hated them
2. that I was now rooting for Mexico, and
3. that I was now rooting for them loudly.

So, imagine my glee when not 4 minutes later Mexico scored again! I seriously clapped, looked over at their table and did the fake "bang-bang" gunshots at them!!! MUAHAHAHAHA, I'm such a jerk. I love it!

When I mentioned to Jeremy that the Brazilianazis were giving me bad looks he said something to the effect of "Maybe it's 'cause you full-on shot fake bullets at them!" Serves them right! No one puts baby in the corner. I mean, fuck, you know what I mean, right?

Anyway, Jeremy and I left shortly thereafter to go watch "Live Free or Die Hard" (which was fucking amazing). We made a hasty exit because - what with the hostility between me and the Brazilianazis - I don't think Jeremy was willing to put up a fight against the Brazilianazis in order to protect a "dirty Mexican." I mean, he is a Texan afterall...

A Catholic & A Jew Walk Into A Racquet Club...

2007-06-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

...And get married.

My brother, Brando, and his (now) wife, Jessie, got married on June 9th. I haven't been to very many weddings and was actually not looking forward to being in the wedding (the standing, the looking nice, the buying matching dresses, etc) but luckily all that b.s. was not involved. I was in the wedding party, but all the bridesmaids just had to wear a black dress and heels. We just had to match colors, not dresses. It was was grand.

The boys looked pretty sharp in their black matching penguin-tailed suits and black/white adidas. I liked that we didnt have to be super serious for the wedding. It was a nice wedding, but it was actually really fun, too.

Since they didn't want a religious ceremony, Jessie's Godfather "presided" over the ceremony. It was really cute because he made it super (quick and) personalized. He made some funny jokes. "Today we have something borrowed, something blue, something old, something Jew..." I really liked him. He's in the picture (to the left) with my brother. He made a few other jokes, too but I can't quite remember them all. Sidenote: I liked, in general, the mix of cultures during the wedding. My brother and Jessie signed the Hebrew Marriage Contract, my brother crushed the glass under his foot as we all yelled "Mazeltov", there was an impromptu chair-raising of the new couple on the dance floor, there was tons of great latin music during the reception, my grandma sang and spoke in Spanish to everyone at the reception, etc.

Here are some great shots of my brother prepping before the wedding ceremony (As with all pictures, click on them to enlarge):

Here are a few shots of us before/during the ceremony:

The reception was pretty comical. It was great to see a bunch of people I hadn't seen in a long time. During the Dollar Dance (when you pin money on the bride or groom to dance with them) my mom (being the baller that she is) called me over to hand me a $100 bill to pin onto my brother. In my true (disgusting, perverted) fashion, I tucked the Benji and my ATM card in my bra and sauntered over towards him. I bent him over, swiped my ATM card up his butt - making sure the magnetic strip was facing towards me, or else it wouldn't read correctly, duh! - and proceeded to pin Benjamin Franklin onto the crotch of his pants. (I'm sure our Founding Father would be proud). Then, we danced, but it was kind of awkward because he was holding me so close and I kept saying "What the f! Quit trying to make out with me." I also felt him get a boner. I let him rub it on my outer thigh. SIKE! GROSS!

After that, my brother, Orlando, got in on the action and kept giving Brando quarters (like a jukebox) and pressing against his body. Check out his face to the right! The Dollar Dance was fun, needless to say. Also, my sister's friend, Laura, rummaged through her purse - only to find the greatest thing you could possibly pin onto someone. No, friends, not money, not Cheez-its, but...

an Olive Garden gift card - which I think was partly used. Oh, that's not all my friends! As more legitimate dollar dance patrons lined up to dance with my brother or his wife, I rallied my brother's two drunk friends: Marcus, and (my Mexican-Albino brother) Ross, to join forces with me. I gave them each a dollar to pin onto my brother and instructed them to form a tight circle around him and then hump him into an oblivion. I must admit that although this was very funny (and disturbing to the onlooker), they ended up giving me the front - which I found highly inappropriate. However, it did not stop me from humping away.

Here we are gearing up for our performance. (Sidenote: Why is it that us suburban kids always like to act so "gangsta." I think it's because it's so funny to us because it's not a reality at all in our area. I mean, sure, I've met some "ghetto" people, but I would never act this way in Oakland, Compton, or Harlem or something. Whatever, I'm a puss, apparently). My sister, Vanessa, was smart enough to know that everyone would want visual evidence of this said humping trio, so she posted it on the internets. Enjoy:

The Humpty Dance

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My favorite part is that my sister, Vanessa, keeps yelling "ew" in a myriad of tones, but continues to record, zoom and even capture thrustful humps from different angles. Also, I like that Marcus looks like he cums at the end. OH! And!! Later on in the night, Ross wanted me to punch someone in the balls and when I responded with "No! Ross, why would I do that?" He said, "Come on! I humped your brother for you today -- I humped your brother for you on his wedding day!" HAHAHAHAHA! Priceless.

Later on, my dad and Vanessa's godfather started dancing together in a sexually suggestive manner. I've never seen my dad's hips gyrate so beautifully - except for when he does his Shakira impression. It was pretty ridicunuts! I love my family! There was a lot of perversion, which = hilarity.

At one point I started freaking Brando and I heard his wife gleefully tell one of her astonished friends "Do you know what their family saying is? Incest is best!" Is that weird that that's true - our slogan, not that incest is, in fact, best? Gross, I also heard one of Brando's friends say "I don't see why you'd ever want to marry out of this family." Ha, grosser! I guess people agree that we should all be incestuous. Well, audience, as Brando jokes "Incest is best! Put your sister to the test!"

Oh, right, and during the Father-Daughter dance, Jesse and her dad had a really nice moment, while during the Mother-Son dance, my mom and brother grabbed at each other's asseTs:

Here I am with my sister, Jessica, my Mexican-Albino brother, Ross, and Sarai and Ezra - the curly-haired babies:

Here are some more random pictures:

Who said cake cutting can't be fun?

And to tie together this post's theme (no, not wedding): incest and gangsta youth, here are a few pictures of the wedding rehearsal dinner and the wedding brunch (both of which my mom singlehandedly cooked for. If you've ever had my mama's cooking, you know how delicious it was. She was getting shout-outs all over, son):

Appropriately enough, the picture of Brando and I grabbing for each other's junk was Wedding Picture #69. Gross. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this (pervy) blog post. You've learned a bit more about my (disgusting, but hilarious) family.

The End.

PS. Sorry about the lack of posting, too. I'm still waiting on Nicaragua pictures. Also, my digital camera is busted and I hate posting without pictures. Later, friends!

T-bag

Boogers

2007-06-21T19:25:00.000-04:00

Ugh. I'm sick. I don't really know how. I have my suspicions. See, it's so f'ing hot here (which is nice) that I absolutely must sleep with the A/C on. The other morning I woke up with a sore throat and chapped lips - SHUT UP, PERVERTS! I realized then that I must be blasting the A/C for my f'ing lips to get chapped by the tremendous amount of wind travelling about my room. Also, sometimes I wake up and it's freezing!

That occurred nearly 4 days ago. I was supposed to go to the beach today with my sister and niece/nephew, but I knew I'd feel like horse shit. I really would have liked to. Alas, I have tons of congested snotS and I am coughing phlegm. Lame.

This morning I attempted lulling myself to sleep on the couch because I really got .5 seconds of sleepS. Ugh. Lame, Part II. So, I popped in Billy Madison and found myself come back to consciousness nearly drowning in a puddle of my own spit and booger goo. It was really gross. I was actually disappointed with myself. Does that ever happen to you, InternetS Audience? where you/your body does something so gross you are actually disgusted with seeing it? It's kind of funny how disappointed and offended I was with seeing my puddle of goo.

Oh well. Hopefully I feel better soon. I gotta work tomorrow.

Your protagonist,
Tanyita

PS. I'm not yakking, but I thought this was funny:

Help Me Not Be A (Blog) Slacker, Please

2007-06-18T00:48:00.000-04:00

It's been too long, friends. Too long, indeed. A lot has been going on. I was waiting to blog because I went to Nicaragua for awhile, but my camera is broken and my friend took all the pictures on hers. She hasn't given them to me yet (despite it being a month since my vacation) and I wanted to blog about all the fun stuff with pictoral evidence. So, I was waiting to blog about anything because I wanted to blog in sequential order (because I'm a nerd). However, in Greta's defense, she's been trying, but the zip files are being weird or something. Anyway, I'm still waiting on the photos and will blog about Nicaragua when I get them.

I'll list recent event stuff and then perhaps blog about them in detail later ('cause let's be honest, there's a lot to ~~talk~~ write about and I haven't been the best at keeping up. So, baby steps, friends. Baby steps):

1. I got a job at the comedy club at which I had previously lost one. I like it lots.
2. I have been going out a lot and really getting to know Williamsburg in Brooklyn and my own neighborhood.
2a. I have been hanging out a lot with my friend Jeremy.
2b. I have not seen Arden in probably a month - she's studying for the bar.
2c. I need more friends in New York. Seriously. I like having lots of friends.
3. I went to California last week for my brother, Brando's, wedding. Pictures are up on The Space That Is Mine.
4. Summer in NY is fun.
5. I've seriously gotten chubby and am going to start doing something to combat this. Check in on me to make sure I am, please. I mean it.
6. I love you. Duh.

Sorry for not posting in a really long time. Thanks to those of you who called me out on it. I'll be trying harder. I promise. Has anybody been reading, even? Anyway, catch you later, homies.

Back on the blogging saddle,
Tanya ~~Arousal~~ Erazo

What A Fruit!

2007-05-28T12:57:00.000-04:00

I was hanging out on my lunch break (in front of the office in Midtown), sitting on Robert Indiana's Love Sculpture, enjoying my lamb gyro on a pita with my friend, Jeremy, the other day. It was a very nice, hot day and tons of people were walking about. A few people stopped for the middle eastern vendor who sells "fresh" fruit from his cart right next to the Love Sculpture. I paid no mind.

While Jeremy and I were talking, the vendor looks at me and waves enthusiastically. I half raised my hand and mostly just looked at him like "What? Who the fuck? Que? I don't... whatever." Jeremy looked over his shoulder, back at me and then questioned "What was that about" - to which I replied "I dunno. I guess that dude thought he knew me. Weird." I kind of got a creepy vibe from the dude, but thought nothing of it. Then about 10 minutes later, Mr. Vendor Man did it again. I just looked at him completely unenthused like "what are you, fuggin retarded?" He kind of went away.

Now, normally this wouldn't be blogworthy, but the next day during my lunch break, I sat atop the same Robert Indiana piece and consumed my daily lamb gyro pita (with everything on it, extra white sauce and a splash of spicy sauce). Mr. Vendor Man came up to me and said:

Mr. VM: Why you don't want fruit? You want fruit?
Me: Uhhh, no, I'm fine [waving my pita at him]. Thanks, though.
Mr. VM: Have some fruit. Come, have some fruit.
Me: [forcefully] No, thanks. I'm fine.
Mr. VM: Here. I give you cherries. For you it's free.
Me: [suddenly amiable] Okay!

He started cramming this bag full of cherries - to the point where I felt uncomfortable.

Me: No, that's enough. Thank you, sir.
Mr. VM: No, here. Take peach? You want peach?
Me: No, thanks, that's --

Mr. VM crams peaches in there. Then, strawberries. I protest. Then, he looks at me and says:

Mr. VM: You want banana?
Me: [repulsed - totally thinking of sexual innuendo] Uh, no. That's fine. That's enough. Thanks.

Mr. VM, per usual, completely disregards my protest and makes eye contact the whole time he slowly inserts the (phallic, duh) banana into the black open plastic bag. I grab the bag, say thanks, give him an awkward arm/shoulder pat and literally run into my office building.

Gross, huh? I felt dirty eating some of the fruit. Whatever; it was free. I didn't eat the banana, though. I totally gave it to another girl in the office. She told me that the fruit guy is creepy and gives all the girls free fruit. Ugh. Disgusto.

As I made my way home, Mr. Vendor Man tried calling my attention by frantically waving for me to come to him and halfway jumping up and down. Needless to say, I pretended to neither hear him through my headphones nor see him in my periph(eral). I scurried home. Men are stupid. Free fruit isn't the way into my pants. Money is, stupid!

Kidding,
Tanya to the E.

I'm A Dick - What Can I Say?

2007-05-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

"UFO" couldn't blog about it. So, I did. Enjoy:

UFO (9:36:51 PM): i have a funny story to tell u
UFO (9:37:01 PM): i wont blog about it cuz its embarassing
Tanya (9:37:48 PM): hahah i like how u got reminded becuase of "explosive diarrhea" tell me tell me tell me.
UFO (9:37:57 PM): i was on the bus
UFO (9:38:07 PM): and i had horrific gas
UFO (9:38:17 PM): the kind that burns your butthole on the way out
UFO (9:38:23 PM): and singes your nose hairs
UFO (9:38:38 PM): well, so i farted one of those aforementioned farts
T (9:38:43 PM): hahaahaha
UFO (9:38:44 PM): it smelled REALLY bad
T (9:38:51 PM): badly
UFO (9:38:53 PM): wafted out from under me
UFO (9:38:59 PM): (i was sitting)
UFO (9:39:06 PM): and the old man standing right by me
UFO (9:39:15 PM): made thise face like he was gonna throw up
UFO (9:39:32 PM): and then actually covered his face with his t-shirt
UFO (9:39:35 PM): it was THAT bad
T (9:39:50 PM): HAHAHAHAHAH
T (9:39:57 PM): did he know it was you?
UFO (9:40:05 PM): i am not sure
UFO (9:40:20 PM): but, just to cover my ass (literally) i made this face
UFO (9:40:28 PM): like eeeeeeew. what stinks
UFO (9:40:37 PM): and starting looking around for the culprit
UFO (9:40:46 PM): it was genius acting on my part
T (9:41:48 PM): you scoundrel!
UFO (9:41:56 PM): i rule

My (Brief) Life As A (Pseudo) Suit

2007-05-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

My awesome job fell through. (See backblog: Disappointment.) So, I am temping at this division of Perry Ellis as a receptionist for two weeks. Weird. I really am not fond of receptionist type work. I also had to dress really "professionally" for my "training" - which was nothing more than chatting with the person I am replacing. All we did was talk mostly about how we hate women who aren't headstrong. Yeah. I'm judgmental; get over it.

The place where I am working is a fashion line/fashion design company. Hence, I feel the need to dress nicely and not look like a piece of trash because I fear the designers and such will secretly judge me on my style choices. My friend Jeremy jokingly told me that I was going to be Ugly Betty. Ha! Rad.

I have been liking it alright. Some of the people are super friendly and make me laugh and such. I've been offered 2 positions since I started just this Monday. However, I am holding out for a shot at anything I may be able to get through Wayne (the dude that would have been my boss at the comedy club). Plus, working at the office has proven terribly boring. Honestly, my day is spent reading (LOTS of reading), drinking tons of water so I can make excessive trips to the bathroom, pretending to look busy, NO COMPUTER (so that means no internet or IMing), cleaning things that are already clean, answering the 7-13 phone calls that come in throughout my 8 1/2 hour stay, and text messaging lots of people.

The first day, I literally got so bored I started doing geometry. "Hmm, what's the Pythagorean Theorem again? Okay, so if angle A is acute, and angle B is right, then..." Whatever. I figure I might as well get paid to get smarter. So, I've been catching up on all my history/psychology/sociology books. Also, I have started playing MASH. Yeah, I do. Fuck off. If you had 8 1/2 hours to kill who knows what you'd end up doing. However, sometimes I like to play a different way in which I only list things I don't want to end up with. Anyway, here are some noteworthy results:

-I will live in a SHACK in SPAIN with my boo, FREDDIE LJUNGBERG. We will have NO KIDS. I will drive a LOTUS and be surrounded by a FEW GOOD FRIENDS.
-I will live in a MANSION in LOS ANGELES with hubby, JEFFREY ROSS, (others in the running: Steve Buscemi, Abe Vagoda and Gary Busey). I will be COMPLACENT with my MORBID OBESITY. I will drive our SIX KIDS around in my SHOPPING CART.
-I will live in an APARTMENT in SAN FRANCISCO with my Wifey (Felicity Hartnett). I will be a STAY-AT-HOME MOM for our FOUR KIDS and I will chauffeur them around on my RASCAL.

I don't know how you 9-5ers do it. I go 9-5:30 and barely do anything (as evidenced above) and come home completely exhausted. My dear friend, Jess Hilo, informed me this feeling is really just my life being sucked out of me. True. Well, that's about it. More blog posts later. I swear. it's not like any of you read anyway...